Tonight I’m just feeling lonely. No real reason why, it’s just been building. It’s the middle of the set and I have had a good busy week, so what is wrong?

I know after his 4 days I have a harder time. I swear each time the set begins it gets more difficult. Which is weird because of course while he’s home on his 4 day it messes my schedule up. lol I guess I’m just having an oddly difficult time adjusting each week and need to figure out why.

If I think back it is because I’m just not feeling enough attention some days. I know this. I’m not high maintence, but this new life has been a lot of adjusting for me. Prior to this, he did not have “family”. I know I was it, period, IT. We get with and love his family, but they aren’t around all the time. His best friend is around and we love him, but he has issues we can’t help him with and sometimes we just can’t be around him while he learns to deal on his own. But this new family that he does want to spend time with and makes plans with when I’m not around, is something new.

It’s mine to deal with and mine to acknowledge. It’s also mine to let him know how it makes me feel and that he isn’t letting me in on plans before he makes them. I don’t ask that he comes for permission, just the common courtesy of asking if I had any plans first. Especially when I’m just dieing to see him.

Ok, that is the issue right there and I can be the big girl and admit it. There are times I don’t think he misses me as much as I’m missing him. He doesn’t seem to be dieing to get home to say hi, but yet I can’t wait for him to get home.

See what blogging can accomplish? Now I have my discussion all ready for tomorrow after work or later on Friday since he works again on Thursday. We already set a date to go to this chili house in Seattle that has been on the food network. lol Hope I haven’t bored you too much with the rambling on this post. But this is how I roll. I have to work it out to keep my sanity!

Why we stand tall

some things will change

while others always stay the same

the landscape is changing

the red devil never straying

we fight a battle with a war never won

a fire has gone out but there is always another one

we lose soldiers all too frequently

what are we fighting for some will never see

some say our job is dangerous

and some do it for free

I will tell you how i feel

and what it means to me

it means my elderly neighbour can sleep at night

knowing we are there in her time of fright

it means the community can not think about what we do

because they can not handle a baby turned blue

it means our children can play and know we are there

in their time of need we always care

but people may criticize what we do

if they only saw if they only knew

some people love us

some people hate

but when they need us

they all appreciate

they never gave us a dollar

and never said thanks

when we put out a fire

or put our life on the flanks

we know why we did it

some people will never know

wearing our hearts on our sleeve

we belong here and it shows

by Dave Decker

It’s time to put some posts up for the exact reason why this blog came to be.  Dealing with the grief I couldn’t handle 9 months ago.

I know I’ve hinted at it and if you follow my Busy Momma blog then you have heard some of it, but no one else can understand except those that are in Fire.

9 months ago yesterday we lost our Chief to a wildland fire. The amazing thing is, it was a Sat that he passed and that sunday the 27th that we all were informed. I remember it being July 26th because remarkably that was my daughters due date 13 years prior. lol Not a date a Mom forgets, but now I’d like to let that date slip past unknowingly. Of course, it never will.

So as I walk around today on Sunday the 27th, and thankfully hubby is home, I will kiss and hug him extra. 9 months ago today he was so emotionally damaged I didn’t think he’d be able to continue. We were so broken on that sunday morning that I literally had nothing to do or say. We moved in a fog for what seemed like an eternity.

We came out the other side in a much stronger relationship, but neither of us will ever be the same for going through the experience. When an all call/general meeting goes out on a Sunday morning you know that nothing good is going to be said. You just start calling everyone to make sure that your closest loved one’s are not the reason for the pager going off and the important meeting. Oh how I hope and pray never to have to go through another time like that again. More will be coming, but I can only handle little bits as I do not want to bring this blog down horribly with it.

As all of us know, if something is going to happen, it’s going to happen while they are at work right?  Well that has only really been bad things up until now.  But in a way I guess this isn’t good either.  lol  Just in a lonely way.

Hubby bought us a new bed on Friday and I’m so thankful.  We bought our first new bed ever about 6 years ago, but it was pretty cheap because we couldn’t afford even the one we bought.  lol  This time we were getting what we wanted.  We were at the mattress store for at least an hour and it was hilarious how the most expensive one’s were not the good one’s for my back.  If you have back issues, shop for a mattress when your back is tweaked.  It makes it much easier to shop.  I narrowed it down pretty quick by what mattresses took the pressure off my aching back.

But anyway, we have an awesome California King Bed delivered and of course it’s delivered on a day he works.  SIGH, brand new huge bed and I have to sleep in it alone the first night.  Is that the life of a firefighter wife or what?

I have to post a little update since starting this post.  I was texting hubby when he finally got to the station with a few seconds to spare and told him the bed was here and he asked how small the room looked now.  About 5 minutes after I hit send on a reply the kids and I see the medic rig pulling up.  He was home to pick up some stuff for dinner they needed.  Yeah RIGHT, lol, I’m sure he had to at least see the new bed.  Since he’s stationed down the street we are used to him stopping by to grab food stuffs at meal times.  But this was so funny cause he didn’t say he was on the way over.

A fire wife’s prayer

Heavenly father, I’m asking you to send your angels today
To protect my firefighter husband in a very special way
I ask you to guide his thoughts and actions and keep him free from fear
To bring him home safely again to those who hold him precious and dear
Please show me the way to let him know I’m proud to be his wife
I thank you lord for giving me this man with whom I share my life
To keep those you love safe from harm is a goal that you share
I pray that as he follows in your ways you hold him in your care

I’m a member of a great community called Fire Wives. This is a very supportive community to help all of us wives deal with the every day issues that pop up. We vent, we cheer, we cry together when big events happen.

Angela has started a great weekly post called My Husband Rocks. We understand that a lot of times we need support on this forum because stuff goes down, or we want to shake off the little stuff in life and not drag our husbands down with it. There is enough on their plate without bringing every little daily thing to their attention all the time. So Angela wanted to keep a great positive vibe going and created this weekly post. If you go on there you can read mine, I’m busymomma on the boards. If you join us over there make sure and give a shout out that you found us through me I’d love to hear that I helped bring more wives/girlfriends/fiance’s some help.