No, I’m not talking about my honey. But he is as well. lol

Our weather this Summer has been outrageously off. So much hot weather. More days of sun in two months than we usually have all year here in the Seattle area I think. ROFLMAO But it is pretty difficult for the boys to work. Hubby went on a housefire all last night and was miserable. When I talked to him at 4pm he had gone through 3 tshirts already. He sweats a lot anyway, but all these days in a row of upper 80’s and 100 today and tomorrow are a lot.

But I promised a happy post today to balance it out some. I’m excited that we have friends at the lake that are off shift with us. The kids are gone for the night and we’re packing up to go play in the water. So cheers to friends that are willing to pay the high tax dollars and live on the lack!

I will completely warn you now, this will be a long post. Today commemorates one of my worst days ever. Not the worst, the funeral was the worst, but it’s right up there in the top 5.

Today was the day the pager went off for a general, important meeting. A meeting on 8am on a Sunday morning. There is only one thing that can’t wait until Monday morning and OMG who is it?

I can remember it vividly because I’ll be honest in this post. The night before we had an awesome house-warming party. I met a few more wives and it was so much fun. I was high on Diet Pepsi and not drinking for once. I was running people around on errands. Alcohol runs, food runs and we even ran to my friend’s Mom’s house to pick their kid up that night. lol I was on my diet pepsi roll and freaking everyone out because they still didn’t know me well enough to know that I wasn’t stockpiling blackmail. Goodness really? Believe me, I’ve left a lot around to blackmail me, I don’t do that.

So this leads me to the fact that in the morning I was feeling awesome and hubby was not. He had a huge hangover and I barely got him to check the page. He wasn’t with it so he didn’t really say anything about it, yes I may not be hungover, but I still really like to sleep. lol I didn’t ask, figured it was OT being called. Then the phone rang and of course I’m now listening. It’s one of our best friends and his wife is HR. They don’t have info, but he suggests that hubby gets in the shower and goes to the meeting.

While hubby is in the shower, his phone rings again and it’s his other best buddy. I talk to him a little bit to pass on messages. I understand that something major has happened and I’m so thankful, yes thankful and i will not regret it EVER, that we’ve now talked to our two boys and it wasn’t them. I will never apologize for that, you definitely start circling up and pulling in your loved one’s.

The kids weren’t even up when he got back from the meeting. We live in district and I don’t think he was gone 20 minutes. My hubby is not a crier. He’s the calm, cool, and collected, mellow guy. He couldn’t stop crying. I was worried how he even got home. OMG I didn’t want to ask. I really didn’t. I had so many people running through me head. I just knew it was someone from the party that I had let drive home. I totally knew it. I double checked everyone before they left, but I was so worried. I really didn’t want to ask, but he made me ask as I held him. You don’t hold up 6′3″ 265 very well when you are 5′7″. lol

He said it was Chief and again I won’t apologize for the instance of relief I had for it not being someone I am close to. I just won’t, I’m human and so are you. I was not close with the chief because we are still a little new, but it wasn’t my boys I’m with every week. I had that short spat of relief before it weighed in on me. OMG, our Chief is dead. Our chief that personally hired my husband just a little over a year ago. Our Chief that is involved in everything our department does and really knows what is going on. Our Chief that everyone loves and not a single soul ever has a bad thing to say about is dead. This man who has built an empire of a fire department is gone. It was huge, seriously, seriously huge.

Hubby has never dealt with death. His last close relative passed when he was 19 and he didn’t do well with it. I worry about our parents passing because he just has no concept of how to deal with the emotions. So I worried, I had no idea what to expect. I let him go back to bed to sleep. Our daughter was away camping with some friends for a week thankfully. I..was supposed to go to a beloved Great-Aunt’s memorial which is another story altogether. So I called my parents and they understand that I couldn’t explain what had happened yet (we were in media lockdown) but that I did need them to take the youngest. They totally understood that I just couldn’t go, that it was that bad. I also couldn’t tell my Dad as I didn’t want him going to one memorial and grieving a brand new death. It was one of the rare times later I’ve had my Mom thank me. She appreciated the fact that I didn’t tell my Dad. (fyi, my dad took it so hard he couldn’t even go to the funeral. Again, another story there)

So I dropped off the youngest and I hit the grocery store. I had no idea how hubby would take this. I bought and bought. I was ready to feed a family. In my family, we get together as many as possible. We get together and we hug. So I was prepared for that. I cooked like I’ve never cooked before. roflmao I joked about the Italian I didn’t know I had in me. lol I made so much food and I left it open to have everyone over. I asked if he wanted me to invite them over? Do you want me to call? No, he just wanted to hang out. We watched movies, we watched tv shows, we ate, we drank, we just WERE.

I had the internet up cause it always is. I’m an addict. lol But he had moved over and was laying on my lap so the laptop was on the coffee table. We knew they were only going to be able to keep the media off of it for so long and they had hit way over a usual mark. I’ll say kudo’s for the media for letting that happen, thank you. It is huge to have a Chief die on the job so to let us all deal a little before breaking in with the news was very human of you.

I remember him breaking down again as the text went out that they had returned the body to camp. This was well over 24 hours from the time he passed. This is how bad the story is. I will never post the story of his recovery and their rescue attempt as they did not follow procedure I’m sure. Hubby barely made it through telling me about it later when they found out. The jumpers went in to try and recover him immediately and I am so thankful that none of their lives were taken as he was most certainly gone at that point already. Smoke jumpers are true heroes and adrenaline junkies from hell. lol That’s a good thing

I digress! Told you this would be long. I had no room to deal with any emotions on what was happening. Except for the relief that it wasn’t one of my boys. I had only met the Chief a few times, he was an awesome man and really cared about everyone and LOVED his job. But I had no personal connection with him so I was able to back off a little bit and help hubby. Plus, it’s what I do. If you are hurting, then I shut my emotions off and I help you deal.

More to come and I recount the 2 weeks of absolute hell before the funeral happened. Our personal/relationship hell did not end after the funeral, it was well after that, but the funeral was horrible for me, truly, truly the worst day of my life, but yet again, the brotherhood that surrounded me after was so amazing it’s hard to focus on all that horrible. I’ll post happy tomorrow, I PROMISE!

It’s hard to believe that today marks a year since our Chief passed away. It’s been a year of many changes. Last August and September I honestly wouldn’t have thought I would be posting this as a fire wife. I was honestly getting worried I’d be an ex.

Dealing with this loss was tremendously hard on our relationship. It was so hard on hubby. Chief wasn’t all that much older than us and his girls are only teens and early 20’s. He and his wife had been together for a long time and were best friends as well. There were times I worried hubby would not stay in the fire service. He just never wanted to put us through what they were going through.

But I’m happy to report that after this horrendous and at times wonderful year, we have come out the other side stronger than ever. Our communication skills have increased 10 fold and I am now not afraid to tell him when things worry me. It helps him as much as it does me. My worry reminds him how much I love him, so he does need to know. I’m not the type to generally let people know because I’m the strong one in my family and always have been. I’m the one that is here for you and can take anything. But it broke that wall in our relationship that I had been building back up in order to deal with him doing the job he does.

It also made me seek outside help. This blog for example. I started this blog to help me work through the grief and to also try to stay sane on the nights and days alone. I also found the incredible Fire Wives forum to talk to other wives around the world. Both of these outlets have helped me tremendously.

There is a memorial today and they will commemorate a beautiful pond in his memory. I left it up to hubby whether he felt we should go. Thankfully he said no, he didn’t need to go. I don’t think we do either. Our consensus when he talked it out was that we have mourned enough. We have worked very hard to move past the sadness and we have. Neither of us wants to bring those tears back in again or that horrendous ache. Chicken way out? Possibly, but there were some that couldn’t go to all the things we did back a year ago. Everyone deals with death differently.

Ironically we have a big family BBQ today at my mother-in-laws. Our adult niece and nephew are supposed to be there. I’m excited to see loved one’s I rarely see anymore. I find it a very fitting way to pass this marker in our lives. Surrounded by loved one’s laughing and eating the day away!

It must have been about 3 weeks ago that hubby went on a really bad call. It happened on a day I was a mess, so I was venting about it all when he got home. It took me a good 30 minutes because it was a really bad day of pain and just hassles as well. Then he comes up with the fact that he went on a baby call. Oh man, here I am going on and on and he went on a baby call.

Anyway, no details are needed. It was bad. No one’s fault, but really bad.

The story has come up multiple times at parties since then. I’ve let it go since it is other FF that are bringing it up and talking about it. I’m not totally in on the healing/dealing process now that he does most of the debriefing at work. But this last BBQ was the last time it will come up. Obviously it’s time for Momma to step in and hammer them. Is it really healthy for him that they keep bringing it up? Is it healthy that every time they do so he brings the picture back up in his head? No, it’s not and they need to be reminded of that I guess.

In my last post I talked about how I hoped we’d all be getting together more often. Thankfully it has. Of course, my waistline is under some serious damage from all the BBQ’s, but the laughs are totally worth it!

We’ve gotten together and had no big issues, which you know can happen in any family. lol But now we’ll be doing it a lot more since our good buddy just broke up with his girlfriend. Hubby texted me our buddy was coming to dinner because “he’s sad”. awww, poor guy. So we’ll swarm around the wounded even though every one of us wants to tell him “we told you so!”

We’re only half way through the Summer. Our next big party is our daughter’s bday next week. We’ve invited half our shift and told them no presents. lol They won’t listen, so we’ll just have to have a big party for the youngest in Feb as well. Not fair how much loot she’s going to come away with from this.

This is a suggestion, but it is a very major one.

I know that I am a “newbie” to the paid fire family, only 2.5 years in. But he has been in the service for a total of almost 10 years and he and I have been together for 19 and married for 15 of those!

So while I’m newbie to fire service, I am old hat at relationship/marriage. YOU MUST BE A PART OF HIS MAJOR LIFE.

This goes with anything in a relationship. If something is major in your life, your partner must play a part in it. I would love to partake in any study about it and push others to do the same.

I’m 200% in my hubbies fire family and fire life. HELL, the other night I went down to the station for 2 hours and helped him with his OT work so I could hang out with him.

But that wasn’t what prompted this post. The total awesomeness of the baby shower we went to is the reason for this post. They had guys and gals showers and the friends live next door to each other. It was easy for it all to merge into 1 party by the afternoon. We all knew it would that’s how it works

The beer flowed. I know that surprises everyone. A few shots of course, as well as 2 giant BBQ’s and a smoker rocking out food non-stop. I ended up chatting with someone that I’m sure hubby would have preferred I didn’t. BUT, alas it is my part in life. I talked to this guy and his wife NEVER comes to any events or parties. They don’t live in district, which is another post on my list, but she just doesn’t want to be a part of it.

To me, this is truly sad. She has no comprehension of how much of his life this is. She doesn’t understand how much he needs this party to unwind with everyone. But she also doesn’t have the option to vent and chat with all of the guys and their wives and girlfriends. I get to vent with people that understand. I get to yell at the guys for being asses on a call if hubby has said it’s ok to. I get to make fun of the guys I’m good friends with about anything on the face of the earth and I most importantly get to chat and hug my girls that live this same life I do.

It had been way too long since our last big get together and I hope it doesn’t go as long this time. But even though hubby may kill me, this guy really wants me to meet his wife. WELL DUH! Of course he does. I’ve run into very few guys that didn’t tell me they want a wife like me

I would like to start this post by saying that I do NOT feel guilty for the fact that I need to vent to my hubby about how icky I feel. If you read anearlier post, then you know that I was hurting. Honestly, if I hadn’t found enough neosporin, I would have totally gone to the station. I don’t care how upper inner thigh this is. It still hurts and it’s been over 24 hours now!

My ankle is twisted as well. I have no idea how that happened, but I have to limp to walk and there is no way I’m doing any cardio. Aleve isn’t even helping it and I can’t take advil because I’m allergic.

So then we get the reality check right? I refuse to cry and I refuse to diminish my issues. I know that sounds cold and it will be even colder once you hear the issue. But, this is our life and it’s something we have to deal with. My husband is remarkable for being able to listen and acknowledge how bad my issues are when he’s had a really, super-duper horrible day of calls. Usually, he starts off on that so I don’t rant, but I could see why he didn’t want to.

Today I even told my daughter that we needed to cut Dad some slack this weekend if he needs it. Don’t pick on him as much as normal and just help out. She understands and she’s a great kid. Even though she’s a teenage wise-mouth, she does understand that those calls suck. We are really blessed with awesome kids. I do take responsibility for a lot of how they’ve come out, but some is luck as well. lol

Anyway, after I get done ranting about it and icing my ankle and bitching. He lets me know who he was working with and that they always have shitty calls. He’s very matter of fact in the call he went on. So I do get a smack in the reality check. I get those frequently anymore because he doesn’t vent to me as much as he used to. Anyway, this was truly horrible. A little fell out a second story window to the concrete driveway. Of course, I won’t go into details as I’m not supposed to know it happened. But, unfortunately you can think of how bad it could be and it was. This is what he comes back with after I am complaining about my raw thighs and my twisted ankle. Really? Why does he have to be thrown with more on my bad days?

I’d just like to say that the universe does not need to toss more crap his way to balance out my bad days. I can deal with mine. I do deal with mine because I have no choice. I just want a little sympathy for my aches and pains. When he comes back with the shitty day that happened, and that was not all in the day by any means, then I am led to believe I should feel bad. I WON’T! I refuse to feel bad. My pain, is my pain. It is not diminished because he see’s so much worse.

Thankfully my man does not expect anything less. Which is why he listened to me first and then passingly brought it up. Although that brings up some new issues since I wouldn’t have gotten it passingly brought up just a year ago. I don’t need to be pampered from what he sees and helps and deals with. I dealt with it 8 years all on my own before this. I don’t want him thinking he needs to shield me from it now just because he has others to talk to. That’s not how our relationship works.