I’m sure by now most of the country has heard about the assassinations of 4 veteran police officers that happened yesterday morning. It was a horribly long day. Waiting and waiting to hear the names. Waiting as someone that I have known for over 20 years is married to a Lakewood cop. Breathing that guilty sigh of relief when the names are no one we know.

But my friend does know them. In fact she was at training with one of the officers just 2 weeks ago. She knew his wife from work. She called me last night which doesn’t usually happen, we text quite a bit and FB a ton. But she was just overloaded you could tell. So many cops in our area ran to the scene to volunteer their time and manpower. Then there were others that volunteered their time to the city of Lakewood to cover shifts so the other officers could take care of themselves and be with family. There were many wives begging their husbands not to go. One wife is even a fellow officer. So many wives were calling my friend to get some reassurance that their guys were going to make it home ok while this manhunt is still on for the killer.

This happening just 29 days after the last assassination of the officer in Seattle. But the story behind the suspect and how our justice system has failed is disgusting. I’m building a new site because of this. My cop friends are helping me. Education is the key to the site.

4 families lost a loved one yesterday. 9 young children lost a parent yesterday. 1 department lost 10% of their brothers/sisters yesterday. 1 county lost 4 very active officers that were on other teams yesterday. 1 state is in mourning for how this could possibly have happened yesterday.

I wish for peace of mind for everyone involved as they deal with their grief. I know I will be doing my part to help those in my life that are trying to deal with this grief. I know the anger flowing through some of them is so intense, I can feel the pain through the phone.

I felt compelled to find this poem today as there was a post recently on our firewives forum about an article in a paper talking about a couple of MVA’s in a row and then what some people were posting in the comments after the article. Now I know that people will post things online just to start trouble, but it just pushed me to find this poem.

I don’t deal with anyone saying how lazy FF’s are, atleast not them being serious. I know everyone loves to make fun of hubby for his time off. But it’s in jest. Anyway, I thought this was a good one going through so many things they sometimes hit in a single day!

<h2>I Wish You Could Know</h2>

I wish you could know what it is like to search a burning bedroom for
trapped children at 3AM, flames rolling above your head, your palms and
knees burning as you crawl, the floor sagging under your weight as the
kitchen below you burns.

I wish you could comprehend a wife’s horror at 6 in the morning as I check
her husband of 40 years for a pulse and find none. I start CPR anyway,
hoping to bring him back, knowing intuitively it is too late. But wanting
his wife and family to know everything possible was done to try to save his life.

I wish you knew the unique smell of burning insulation, the taste of
soot-filled mucus, the feeling of intense heat through your turnout gear,
the sound of flames crackling, the eeriness of being able to see absolutely
nothing in dense smoke-sensations that I’ve become too familiar with.

I wish you could read my mind as I respond to a building fire “Is this A
false alarm or a working fire? How is the building constructed? What hazards
await me? Is anyone trapped?” Or to call, “What is wrong with the patient?
Is it minor or life-threatening? Is the caller really in distress or is he waiting for us with a 2×4 or a gun?”

I wish you could be in the emergency room as a doctor pronounces dead the
beautiful five-year old girl that I have been trying to save during the past
25 minutes. Who will never go on her first date or say the words, “I love you Mommy” again.

I wish you could know the frustration I feel in the cab of the engine, squad,
or my personal vehicle, the driver with his foot pressing down hard on the
pedal, my arm tugging again and again at the air horn chain, as you fail to
yield the right-of-way at an intersection or in traffic. When you need us
however, your first comment upon our arrival will be, “It took you forever to get here!”

I wish you could know my thoughts as I help extricate a girl of teenage years
from the remains of her automobile. “What if this was my daughter, sister, my
girlfriend or a friend? What were her parents reaction going to be when they
opened the door to find a police officer with hat in hand?”

I wish you could know how it feels to walk in the back door and greet my
parents and family, not having the heart to tell them that I nearly did not
come back from the last call.

I wish you could know how it feels dispatching officers, firefighters and
EMT’s out and when we call for them and our heart drops because no one answers
back or to here a bone chilling 911 call of a child or wife needing assistance.

I wish you could feel the hurt as people verbally, and sometimes physically,
abuse us or belittle what I do, or as they express their attitudes of, “It will never happen to me.

I wish you could realize the physical, emotional and mental drain or missed
meals, lost sleep and forgone social activities, in addition to all the
tragedy my eyes have seen.

I wish you could know the brotherhood and self-satisfaction of helping save
a life or preserving someone’s property, or being able to be there in time
of crisis, or creating order from total chaos.

I wish you could understand what it feels like to have a little boy tugging
at your arm and asking, “Is Mommy okay?” Not even being able to look in his
eyes without tears from your own and not knowing what to say. Or to have to
hold back a long time friend who watches his buddy having CPR done on him as
they take him away in the Medic Unit. You know all along he did not have his
seat belt on. A sensation that I have become too familiar with.

Unless you have lived with this kind of life, you will never truly understand
or appreciate who I am, we are, or what our job really means to us……

I wish you could though.

* author unknown *

As you probably saw in a previous post, our adjoining little fire department lost a firefighter. As I put in that post I said that I figured my hubby would know her and he did. She actually helped out with his EMT class ages ago when he first started as a volunteer. Our two little departments did a lot of work together back in those days.

Last night I was on my way home from the gym. I’d had a very rare late appointment that actually showed up. If I’d only left at 7 like normal I would have been ok. As I was coming to the edge of town I saw what looked like a car accident up ahead (it’s a major highway, so it’s normal) so started slowing down waiting for it. But then as I was getting closer I realized that there were cop cars well up ahead and no one was stopping by the first area of lights. Then as I got closer I saw it was one of our engines (were district over) and the guys were out of the rig and the towns cops were also out of their cars and standing in line by the road.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

How could I possibly have ended up going home as they were doing the procession to bring her body home. I had to pull to the side even though they weren’t to me yet. I was shaking and wanted to throw up. Actually, I still feel that way today.

I had really thought about going to the funeral out of appreciation and a show of support for my buddy. But I don’t think I can. I think I’d make it worse as he saw me completely break down. I just am not strong enough to do it. It brings back so many memories of the Chief’s funeral. It brings back the indescribable pain of riding in that procession through so many towns and sitting all alone with that pain and grief on the bus.

I’m hoping one day this will get easier. It’s been 15 months and it smacked me as hard as it did back then. It’s possible it won’t get better and I suppose that’s ok. Some of us just show our emotions more than others I guess and unfortunately this is one thing I can’t hold my emotions back about. I’m quit steady otherwise in hiding things and taking care of others. But not with this at all.

I even stopped at the little store and grabbed the 6 pack hubby had asked me to on the way home. Yep, with tears well up in my eyes, sniffling and shaking. I’m not ashamed. Of course, they wanted to know what the procession was about and that was hard to keep it together and explain. But you know what, it’s good that others see the pain losing one of our own causes. The fact that these are real people, living normal lives, that just happen to give everything they’ve got to help.

Tomorrow is the procession for the Seattle Officer that was gunned down last week. Maybe I can get hubby to take me out for lunch so I won’t be home to watch it on tv.

Here’s the deal, I am deeply ingrained in the cops. I mean deeply, damn it I have some that are like brothers and I have a couple like sisters. I’m in the service industry completely. So, while I am a firefighter wife I hurt right now for the fallen officers family.

It has been 15 years since the last death of SPD. I remember the last death, I was pregnant at that time. The wife has come out with official statements and set out to help the family with their grief. That is one hell of a woman. I applaud her and wish her support. To go through this with a family is a high undertaking and to even suggest that she would help is so much. I can’t understand how it would affect her again as they are both senseless deaths.

But the update on the fallen Seattle officer? It was an assassination It was planned out. I can’t help but look at the gang initiation rights it probably brought as I understand that the gang activity is up again. There are places I understand I will not be able to go for a couple of years now because of gang activity. I have a mouth and hubby can’t get me out of my mouth if they have a gun, doesn’t matter how big he is. lmao K, not funny really, but it’s true and I understand that I can not go there for a while and it sucks!

But the other officer in the car was a 6 month rookie and from all accounts she rocked it. I’m impressed and so happy. I only know one other female officer and my girl ROCKS my world so I was happy to hear another incredible account in the field. I’m also happy to hear that she is doing ok. I’m not sure if she really is as we strong women are very good at hiding it, but so far so good.

I have another post planned because I’m ticked off about his memorial. But for now I want to send the most well wishes to his family. Much deep love and the hurt from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could give her a hug and take away some pain. I hope that she has someone with her that is doing just that.

It’s with a heavy heart that I post this super early am. I had another post planned but I will hit that later in the day.

My husband was a volunteer for 8 years before getting hired on. He had the privilege of working pretty closely in the early years with the town next to us that is all volunteer except for their Chief. The Chief is awesome, I mean he’s super awesome. His department rocks, performs incredibly and is very professional. Chief even went to my husbands academy graduation with another good friend, they were truly integral in helping him become the FF he is today. No we didn’t lose the Chief, OMG I would not be able to post about that so quickly.

But I’m just setting up the story that these guys are tight group and on Friday they lost someone to a car accident in Cali of all things. A car accident? REALLY? I didn’t know her, but by the texting that went back and forth with my buddy I’m pretty sure she’d been there a while. I only got a last name and hubby hadn’t worked with them for a while, but I have a feeling he will know her as well when we find out more info. Does this mean I have to go to another FF funeral? arghhh, tears already thinking of it. I will, I totally will. I need to go if only because my good friend needs someone there with him to be more of a support system as he goes through this. I was so worried about him last night, but he was with a friend watching a movie so I was very happy to hear that. He’s a total brother to me.

But then on facebook he posts that a Seattle Police Officer has been killed. I’m hoping it’s not someone he knows, but he’s in the general area and has been for 20 years as a deputy so it could very well be two in two days. If not then my other buddy in same field may know him. Either way it doesn’t matter as you know how it hits you in the heart when it is someone doing their job that goes down.

All my heart goes out to both departments and surrounding departments in this time of grief. I know next week will be one with a very heavy heart as I help some brothers if needed. Have whiskey, will travel.