HotWife :: Firefighter Wife

Ex-girlfriend in the Department

Posted on March 12, 2012 by HotWife

This isn’t something I have personal experience in since hubby and I started dating when we were 17 and 18. I mean, we didn’t even have something I’d consider a “serious” relationship before each other. But, we did grow up in a small town. I knew everyone he’d dated. In fact when we went off to college one of his more major ex’s was the only person I knew besides hubby. We would double date a lot with her & her fiance. But no games were being played and in no way was there ever a hint she wanted him back. This ex and I grew up a block away from each other. I graduated and was friends with her younger brother. It’s a part of small towns lol

Part of a comment form I received recently included:

Q: He has an ex girlfriend in his department, one he was with before me and she often times cause issues for us. I understand that being in the department they are going to need to be civil and be able to work side by side on the job. I am trying to be understanding with that but sometimes it gets to me. I’m not realt sure what I am afraid of, cause he says all the time that he doesn’t love her and I do believe him I mean why else would he be with me instead. But she likes to play games. I am looking for some advice, anyway to cope. I live in a diff town than him almost 2 hours away, but that is changing for I will be moving to be closer to him. With their father being absent the girls have grown fond of him as well. I dnt want to feel worried about her. How do u cope with the ex being in he same department?

A: I guess I did cut out an important part of this being a volunteer dept. I just didn’t want to copy/paste too much info and have the person be traceable if they wish to be anonymous. I have issues with dating in the workplace, no matter the job. It will always cause issues. Good issues, bad issues or ugly issues, there will be problems that will cause havoc in any workplace. It causes very unique problems having an a relationship. BUT, that’s a separate issue to talk about and not the point here.

The thing I see that needs to be addressed in this email is highlighted above. She likes to play games. I’m unsure if these games are code for her wanting him back, practical jokes because she’s just one of the guys or she causes actual trouble for him at work. But that seems to be the core of the issue as I read it.

Analyze these games being played. I’d personally write things down that have been bothering me. I’m a big pen and paper person. By writing it all down you could come up with a mixture of three conclusions.

Maybe more of this is in your head than you think. YEAH! This is the option we hope for No matter how hard we fight it, we all have female hormones. I know they often make me think things are worse than they actually are or just put stupid ideas in my head altogether. This is why pen and paper works so well for me. I see it in black and white, laugh at myself and it’s easier to move on.

She looks like she’s jealous and does want him back. Obviously if you are with him and looking to move closer to be with him then he’s a keeper. Hard to fault her for realizing she made a bad choice. If there are very specific things she’s done that make you uncomfortable then bring those SPECIFIC events up with your boyfriend. Work on keeping the emotions as low key as possible so you don’t come off as the jealous new girlfriend. Explain how these events make YOU feel, no matter if they have a basis or not. Stress that you are not doubting him but you just want to keep the communication going strong on how it makes you feel.
I think it’s hard for hubby not to roll his eyes when I start a conversation with, “I know I’m being stupid, but…” He never knows what’s going to come after that statement. I could be about to hit him up with new ideas I’ve added to our zombie apocalypse plan. I know you just giggled, but that is literally what my poor hubby has to deal with. I’m pretty sure he’s afraid of what goes on in my head lol

She’s moved past #2 and is also causing trouble at work. If this is the case then it’s time for the chain of command to be notified. Maybe things are bothering you because you do feel he’s being harassed at work and that is not ok. Again, by writing things out you will be able to pinpoint to your boyfriend what is bothering you and why. I know I personally go all Momma Bear and have since I was very little about family members and good friends being harassed or bullied. My first fight was at 3 (yes, 3 years old) because someone kept smacking my baby brother.
It’s possible she’s making work difficult with inappropriate behavior and he hasn’t realized how inappropriate it is. Sometimes stories are just passed on to us and they haven’t realized how all the actions have built up over time and affecting them. Knowing whether he needs to talk to his superiors about an issue is something only he can decide. So don’t be pushy about it if this is a conclusion you come to. It’s really hard for me as there are times I just want to march down and rip someone’s head off for not noticing things. See, there’s Momma Bear again. But it boils down to it being their place of work so they have to be the one’s to deal with it.

As I say all the time, communicate. No relationship is going to work without a good line of communication. This is going to be especially necessary if they both stay in the volunteer dept for a long time. If it was a more recent breakup then it just might take a little while for them to get back into a comfortable working relationship.

Any of you ladies dealt with an ex being at the dept and can pass more actual tips on? Might be especially helpful for any of you female firefighters that have gone through it personally or watched it unfold at the station.

Categories : Fire Questions, Relationship

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Blog of the Year Contest

Posted on March 10, 2012 by HotWife

I’m way behind in posting because of my minor procedure I had done. The deadline for nominations is today so if you have a blog in mind (hint-hint) then you need to go fill out the short nomination form right away.

The contest is hosted by EMS1, FireRescue1 and FireCritic.com, and sponsored by the American Military University. Their goal is to find the best bloggers in the EMS and Fire industry.

This year they will have both judges choice and readers choice for Fire and EMS so there will be 4 winners.

There are a lot of great blogs out there so go make sure that your favorite gets nominated. Voting starts on the 14th!

Categories : Everyday

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Blogging With The Department Watching

Posted on February 27, 2012 by HotWife

I’m not going to lie, hearing feedback from locals about your blog for the first time is very unnerving. Especially since I’d been online with my blogs and sites for years before it ever finally happened. We can thank facebook for that lol

I was asked how I deal with the anonymity issue and any of it getting back to him at work. And I guess that’s easy for me to answer, I don’t. I don’t deal with it that is. He does, and I always have to remember that.

As those locally will attest, I’m an open book. If you want to know something just ask. I keep it easy here. I don’t talk about anything that I wouldn’t talk about with someone in person, face-to-face. That could be up for interpretation if you read earlier posts, but it’s true for the posts from the last couple of years.

I don’t post about actual calls with details. I don’t post about exact situations or issues that come up. If I do talk in a general form about an issue, I set the post ahead months or even a year ahead so we’re not directly in the situation and it’s easily tracked back to people. I never post about things hubby has told me and risk his job with even a hint of a HIPPA violation.

I post about how the firelife affects ME. I post about MY feelings that take place.

If you have the personality that you do worry, even slightly, about what others think of you, it is probably not a good idea to start a blog. If you blog about personal issues, then you are just leaving the windows, doors and roof wide open for others to comment. I think that goes for both people in the relationship, not just the one blogging. It’s my husband that has to hear about it and he has to be ok with it. If he’s not ok with it then it would become a problem in our relationship and there are enough issues to contend with than to add something superficial like that.

That said, facebook was actually an issue that DID come up and annoyed the hell out of us both. To the point I almost deleted my account a few times. I have been on twitter for years and it’s a totally different animal. On twitter you can post often. I didn’t know facebook wasn’t the same. OR WAIT, that wasn’t the case, it was the fact that people who are new to being online wanted to push how THEY felt facebook should be. Hubby was constantly harassed at work for how much I post. SERIOUSLY?! Hit unfriend then if it annoys you moron!

I’ve gone through quite a few periods of no posting because of it. Now if I find out there’s a complaint, I unfriend them myself, that easy. Because my REAL friends get worried and annoyed if I’m not posting on there. lol Facebook can definitely be another blog post. Probably a few blog posts.

I think my biggest recommendation about starting a blog that will post anything personal is to go in with full disclosure with your husband. Mine doesn’t care because I’m careful about boundaries. It probably doesn’t hurt that I’ve also been online blogging and building websites for over a decade. It’s not something new that I’m picking up.

I know there are quite a few regular bloggers here, how did it come up with your husbands? Did you talk about it before you started or ever talk about it at all? How do they feel about it and even more odd to me, do they read your blog? While writing this it dawned on me that I’ve never asked him how he feels about my blog. Hopefully I’ll remember to bring it up tomorrow.

Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Categories : Everyday, Relationship

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Adding Forums?

Posted on February 18, 2012 by HotWife

I’m in the middle of some remodeling as you can tell. The plan is to lighten it up here some and make it easier to navigate . I really want to work on getting resources front and center.

As such, I’m revisiting something that I get asked about a lot, forums. They are a lot of work but I know they are also beneficial. It gives everyone another way to interact and commiserate.

However, my biggest issue with forums is that they MUST stay a positive influence. Which is where the forum community itself has to really step up and take responsibility. Now I know that life is not all roses and chocolates, but I wouldn’t be able to handle a place that everyone only came to complain. As a moderator for other boards we always implemented a rule that for any negative(ish) post, you had to post a positive post to balance it out. It’s amazing how much that can help everyone. Especially once you get your vent out of the way and are already on your way to feeling better.

So I’m putting it to the community here as a poll and it’s going to take a LOT of replies for me to even think of putting the time into it. I have to know they would be visited and posted to. Let me know how you feel about a firefighter wife forum you could visit 24/7.

If I do get a lot of positive response then I’ll also be looking for a couple of women to help moderate. So if you are interested in helping send me a line contact @ firefighterwife.com just take the spaces out. No pay for moderators at this time, but who knows down the road? We can hope right

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Categories : Everyday, Resources

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Happy Un-Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 15, 2012 by HotWife

Now that Valentine’s day is finally done with, we can get back to loving everyone as we should. Not like the corporations and media have told us we should.

Hubby and I have had 21 V-day’s together. I can remember the first one because hubby was away at college and it was my senior year. I probably still have the little plaque he got me somewhere, but I can’t remember what the other little things were. I remember all of us laughing because the guys had to run out last minute and get stuff since they’d forgot. The girlfriend from the other couple would have pitched a fit if our friend hadn’t done well with the gifts. I didn’t even care. I was just so happy my boyfriend was home that the stuff really meant little.

See what possibly started a long line of not caring about Valentine’s day? Well I guess it goes farther back than that. I didn’t grow up with a ton of money and we did a lot more things for each other rather than buying things. The best presents still in my opinion are time spent with your loved one’s and/or homemade gifts. Not that I don’t appreciate big gifts and I’m definitely not all above that. lol I just still think gifts feel more special when they have meaning behind them.

Valentine’s day to me is a forced day. Telling people that they MUST go spend $120+ on flowers, buy chocolates, blingy jewelry or make reservations at the “best” restaurant where it will be packed, loud and over-priced for the night because they have a special menu. That if they don’t do these things they don’t really love their spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend. It’s just ridiculous and sets everyone up for failure. I know that sounds bitter, but I’m not at all. I’ve only had Valentine’s day as an adult with my husband and I can’t remember a single one that I was horribly disappointed. So it’s not a matter of tracking to a year that ruined them all forever.

I think I’ve passed on the message to at least our daughter. The high school does stoplight day on Valentine’s day. They wear red if your taken, green if your single and yellow if it’s complicated. My daughter and some friends wore black to celebrate. lol That’s my girl. I told her she should say they were protesting commercialism. Even though I know they just wanted to make the statement that the day is stupid in their book.

I am a firm believer that every day you should celebrate your love. Every day you should tell your loved one’s that they are important. It’s all part of the no regrets way I’ve been working hard at living by. You aren’t guaranteed tomorrow and you don’t want to regret not saying or doing something important. Thankfully, I didn’t learn that the hard way. I learned it by making the time when I was too busy and then having those loved one’s pass away not long after. I can look back and be thankful that they knew I loved them.

But on to the funny part of this post. In honor of my pushing my beliefs on my kids (as is my right lol) I doctored up these boxes of chocolates to put in their lunches. I wonder if they’ll say anything when they get home. I double wonder if my son will even notice what I wrote before he rips it open and snarfs down the chocolate.

Hubby took OT on V-day and in honor of him working an extra shift I have a yummy salmon dinner planned for him tonight. We’ll spend the evening doing what we probably would have on Valentine’s Day. Sitting in our recliners, possibly both on our computers and catching up on the dvr. Ain’t we romantic?

Categories : Everyday, Relationship

Comments (6)

Does It Get Easier?

Posted on February 14, 2012 by HotWife

The question everyone always wants to know. My quick answer is a resounding… YES!

Q: Hello, I just came across you’re site and I think its wonderful. I am actually engaged to a firefighter. He is a volunteer right now but in the process of being hired on. Even being a volunteer he goes on a call on average twice a week for about 6 hours each time. Sometimes its 5 times a week and sometimes its none. Its very hard, never knowing when he’ll have to leave or if he’ll make it back to me safe. This may be a dumb question, but does it ever get easier?

A: I’m not sure how long you’ve been together or how long he’s been a FF so I’ll just go as if both may be kind of new.

It’s always difficult going through the adjustment period of something new. But, it’s especially difficult because we don’t have anything that remains the same each day. We’re constantly hit with something new and that’s the only thing that remains the same lol

I have just a quick question of why a call averages 6 hours? Is it only fire calls they go on? Ours have always been mostly medical calls, so he could be back anywhere from 30 minutes on, as we didn’t do transports as a volunteer station as a general rule. But we had a lot more calls than 2-5 so it probably averaged out to the same amount of time as you posted about.

You have to look at it as he will always come home to you safe. If you don’t, your sanity is going to take a major toll. He’s trained and so are those working with him. You have to put your trust in that training.

It’s very difficult not knowing when a call will go out. I wrote a post last spring about being a volunteer wife and it has a lot of information in it. Hubby was a volunteer for around 6 years before getting on paid and it was a roller coaster for sure. Especially since the kids were little.

When our district was super crazy before the merge it was rare for him to be home at all. He’d work his construction job and then there would be a ton of calls as well. I just learned to appreciate the time he was home because it was rare. Make sure and set up time that he won’t go on calls and he’ll actually turn the pager off. It doesn’t have to be very often, but it helps a lot.

Categories : Everyday, Fire Questions

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Helping Your Firefighter With Stress

Posted on February 9, 2012 by HotWife

She’s waited long enough for a response from me so we’ll just get right to the point with her question. It’s a really, serious question and I hope that many of you will help point me to new resources I can bring to everyone.

Q: Hello, my name is Lisa and my fiance is a firefighter/ paramedic and recently he has been struggling with the fact that every time he goes on shift something really awful happens. I have been trying to reach out and find him support. He just has a hard time talking to someone, like a therapist, who has no idea what it really feels like to go through these events. I was wondering if maybe you have any ideas of how i can get his mind off of all this. I was hoping there was some type of support group in our area but i havent been able to find one. I’m new at this and i was hoping for some good ideas. It worries me everyday when he’s always down due to a bad shift. Please help! Thank you.

A: First off, it’s important to get to know other people he works with. Whether it’s wives of those he works with or directly someone he works with. I say this because I had this same comment from a friends girlfriend and I’m so glad I could pass it on to my husband and get him help.

At times the guys forget that others haven’t been in the same situations. I know this particular event was a child fatality. My husband went through just about every horrible event you can do in his first year of volunteering. We just didn’t know that wasn’t normal…but I guess I’m glad it was our normal because we had to cope on our own for it. However, my son had just had an episode of craziness and our friend was associating with this first child fatality he witnessed.

Thankfully I have the connection with my hubby and I immediately said our BF was having a bad time. His girlfriend was fire as well so it’s not like she didn’t have some major clues about helping him. Come to find out there had been no debriefing for the event. We have had quite a few child events in that time so I can see where it can happen. But sadly it was our BF’s first child fatality so it really needed debriefing.

My stepping up and immediately passing on the info helped. I told hubby I didn’t want it known how it was passed on because I didn’t want any a-holes saying anything. That’s just not a spot you get to make fun of someone.

Now for other resources if the above is not an option. A therapist doesn’t have to go through any of the events, they do not have to actually understand the feelings to be of help. Therapy has nothing to do with the therapists feelings, it has to do with their skills at helping him work through HIS feelings. We have therapists available to us through the fire department and I’d recommend he talks to his Chief or HR to see if you do as well. Our therapists are also available to the fire family to my understanding.

As with any negative situations in life, help him remember the positives that happened at work as well. After listening to the stories he needs to get off his chest, work to pull out calls that he’s set aside because they were “routine” calls. Calls that they did save someones life by getting them help in time. Those are easy for them to overlook and it’s important for them to focus on how happy those people and their families are.

I found a great site for PTSD help for fire, police, ems called What is PTSD?

Then an even better site I found is FireStrong.org.

I also found some books that may help:

The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook: A Guide to Healing, Recovery, and Growth

Is He Depressed or What?

This is obviously an area that needs more free help put out there. I was disheartened to find nothing on the iaff website at all. I contacted some guys to see if I can find even more info.

Categories : Fire Questions

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Rekindled Pride Dog Collar and Tug Toy

Posted on February 6, 2012 by HotWife

Are you ready for the cute pictures of my gorgeous dogs? Are you sure you are ready for them? Ok, you can stop begging.

Back in December you may remember I did a review for the Rekindled Pride Christmas Stocking.

But the Christmas stocking wasn’t the only item Rekindled Pride sent me. They also sent a dog tug toy for my Lab and a collar for my Maltese. Hmm, it just dawned on me that we have a Maltese…Maltese cross…association. Why have I never thought of that? Maybe because she’s not the manliest of animals. But don’t judge her for her 6 pound frame.

Judge her for how well she pulls off this firefighter dog collar. (Yes, she did gladly pose for this pic) I was a little worried about the weight of the collar on her. She really is a tiny thing. But it fit just fine and she’s perfectly comfortable in it. Even though she loves to dress up in her pink, girly outfits, she’s a tomboy. I love the fact that when we go camping we now have something easily washed up. Because take a guess who the first dog is to get in the mud and water? Definitely NOT my prissy Lab. I’m looking forward to the easy cleanup at the river this year. Plus I am not worried about it getting ruined when I clean it, this thing is definitely going to last her lifetime and more.

I’m impressed by the stitching. My Mom sews and used to make a lot of clothes when I was growing up. In fact she made all of my dance dresses in high school. I was only ever mediocre at sewing. These lines are very straight and that impresses me. The straight stitches give it a very crisp, finished look.

Then we have the fun firehose tug toy. After I got pictures taken and the Lab spent a few weeks playing with it, there was a list of people that wanted to see it first hand. Off to the station it’s gone. I’ll have to really keep an eye on it

My Lab is not a chewer so I wasn’t worried much about it getting torn up or even having to test that out. BUT for some reason she thinks it’s fun to nibble at the seams of this tug toy. Of all the times to get a new habit. She’s eleven for goodness sake.

With that said, the tug toy is standing up well to the test. There is some slight unraveling happening, but it is from the hose ends themselves and it has stopped well before the seams. Again, I’ll comment on the quality of the sewing. These seams aren’t going anywhere. The pull loop is really stoutly attached. Hubby and the old girl can fight to their hearts content.

The entire toy is made from hose. The base is a stuffed and the nice, big loop is flat. For those of you that do play tug with your dog, the 7″ loop is nice and roomy even for hubby’s hand. It’s not fun to get bit while playing tug as they go for a better grip. If your hand is too close you get in the regripping procedure. It also doesn’t dig into your hand while pulling. Which is a major plus if she wants me to play tug for longer. If it’s digging into my hand then I give up early. Mom’s a poor sport.

My lab was uncooperative with the picture taking so Sweet Pea offered to help again. She looks guilty because I set her on the coffee table for the picture and she knows she’s not allowed up there. Mean mommy, I know lol She’s a few weeks past a grooming appointment so excuse the scruff she’s got going on.

All of us in the family love the products sent to us by Rekindled Pride. You won’t be disappointed with their quality.

Categories : Everyday, Shop

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Slacker

Posted on February 3, 2012 by HotWife

Yep, that’s me. Business has been taking off and pulling me away from more personal stuff online. That means this blog as it’s not a money maker and the bills really do have to be paid no matter what I tell those stupid creditors, jeesh.

Anyway, I think there is some respite starting after the first of the year craziness and I can see the movement back here.

A little site redesign in is order. T-shirts and sweatshirts are in order. And no one has forgotten the first ever convention coming up online.

As suspected and I knew would happen, I can’t plan to work during wrestling season. I need time AFTER to put things in order. From November till mid-February my brain is on one-track and that’s wrestling. It may be better next year as my daughter will be driving so I don’t have to focus a full 6 days a week on the schedule. But it consumes everything for me as I work on either fattening them up or lowering their weight. lol Yes, as it’s the last few weeks of the season it’s coming out like a complaint because I’m done. BUT, I love it.

So these are the reasons I’m a slacker. Then add in that hubby is working, we’ve had quite a bit of fun out shooting, the snow/ice storm hit and then more fun mixed in and my being a slacker is not as bad as I think.

No, it is. There have been a couple of days this week I haven’t done anything. I didn’t even have the energy to stare at the computer. I was just burnt.

Are you excited for what the new year is bringing? I know it’s February but that doesn’t matter. It’s still only 30 days into the year and I have big plans to hit before summer

Categories : Conference, Everyday

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