As you may know I welcome questions about the firelife so all of us can help you work through things. You can submit questions 24/7 through my contact form. You can choose to be anonymous (which I generally tweak things to protect anyone sending in questions) or if you have a website/blog and want me to include it with your question I can do that as well.
I’ve been getting more and more questions and I love it. The only thing is, there is a definite theme to the majority of them. FEAR. Fear of them getting hurt, fear of staying home alone while their at work, worry about the unknown and the uncontrollable.
Fear can and will hold you back from enjoying life if you let it. I have many fears and I battle them. Thankfully fear of him being at work isn’t one of the big ones. I have a fear of drowning and a fear of heights. The drowning really bothers me the most on bridges so we can combine that with the heights issue.
How can this whole fear of heights hold me back? We love going skiing and boarding. The first run of the day I have to mentally fight myself to get on the lift. I have to fight with myself to actually tip my ski’s off the edge of the slope. I have to battle within my brain before I get to certain spots on the slopes that I know are going to be much more downhill. I have a panic attack if hubby wants to help push me and go on a different run that I don’t know. After a run last year, I’m not sure I’ll be able to battle that fear of the unknown up there again.
I know many of you are saying, “then why do it?” Because if I don’t, my fear will only get worse. Even though my family loves to laugh at me as I go so slow I’m about to fall down, I’ve learned to laugh at myself over my own stupid fear of heights. It’s not something I can change, it’s just something I have to work with and try not to let it take over.
Dealing with these fears may be what helps me through his work as well. Since I’m not a psychologist I can only use my best deduction and self-analyzation. Hmm, is that a word? lol I’ve learned over the years to battle back fears for things I can’t control. I don’t want to miss out on the fun. I could choose to waste time worrying about my husband while he’s at work but what would that accomplish? I can worry about my daughter while she goes on vacation with friends or family, but what does that accomplish? I can worry about my son going to the skatepark with friends, but what does that accomplish?
The only thing it would accomplish is me feeling sick and not getting things done around the house. It’s unproductive and I have too pay some bills as well. I could easily spend more time worrying about things that are not happening while missing out on life that IS HAPPENING all around me. It’s a conscience decision I have to make.
Now do I worry? OF COURSE I DO! I just don’t let it consume my every thought. When I started writing this post the pager went off. My heart skipped and I got up to go see what the page was. The worry started it’s way in imagining they were going on a big mva or fire and them setting a general alarm, and, and, and. Which was promptly squashed by laughing at myself that it was page to turn their time cards. Being able to laugh at myself helps a lot.
For those of you that are new to my blog, I can hear a few saying “it’s because she’s never been through a tragedy like we have in”. Please read around just a little bit. But a quick synopsis is three years ago we did go through a major tragedy here in our department. Our Chief died in LOD. I have every mental vision to pull from of how the weeks go down after a death. I could easily sit and do nothing but worry about having to go through it with my own husband. And there was a time I did. It was a horrible, dark time for me. I’m so thankful I pulled out of it and am on the other side with the motto of living with no regrets. If something happens I don’t want to be looking back wishing I’d spent more time enjoying anyone’s company.
I’ve written a few posts over the years with suggestions for getting over or working around fears. I hope they’ll help!
Engaged and Worried
Does your firefighter worry about your stress?
Advice for a wildland wife
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Kary
Im not sure if you remember what my original email said to you but the bad dreams have gone away, I had them for 2-3 weeks every night but I think I just told myself its pointless to worry so much especially to lose sleep over. Im not entirely sure why the dreams stopped but im not complaining. Another issue I have to face is do I tell my firefighter boyfriend my worries about his job or do I keep it to myself? Communication is a huge thing to me hence why I want to tell him, but I have a very strong feeling that if I tell him he will stop talking to me about his firefighter stuff which I dont want because I like that he is open with me. Im already bad with my words on how to express things so I am unsure on what to do.
HotWife
Hi Kary, thanks for commenting. So happy to hear your dreams have subsided and the reason it happened doesn’t matter right?!!! Just so long as you are able to sleep much better. woohoo
I’m pretty horrible with keeping things from my husband. He’s the only person in the world that I can blurt stupid things out and he either tells me how it came out wrong, reassures me or tells me I’m being an idiot. lol
If it’s something you want to talk to him about you need to. Just work and rework the opening you want to use in your head first. Make it as unconfrontational as possible and I usually start out with something like, “even though I know this is silly and will never happen, I’ve worried about…”.
I’m with you, I definitely don’t want to ever put him in a position he doesn’t want to share. I use to almost throw up when he told me medic stories. That stuff is so NOT my thing. But I had to get over it because I don’t want there to be any area of our lives that either of us feels like we can’t talk about it.
Everything’s a process. What works for one of us, won’t work for the other and vice-versa. I know that after 11 years in I can now bring things up much differently than I ever would have thought of back in the early days. So I can let you know that the communication will get better. If there are some aspects of work that set your imagination off, possibly let him know that those aspects make you worry. That at this time if he could refrain from talking about “that aspect” just for a few weeks while you mentally deal with it that it would be appreciated?
Deirdre
I have to say that I don’t live in fear. I worry about him when he’s at work or goes on a call but I don’t let it consume me and my every thought. Between being a FF wife and an Army wife if all I done was think about the what if’s while my FF is at work I’d be a crazy person. I keep my mind active and I work and am passionate about my own job like he is about is. But if he ever sends me another text message yes I said TEXT message saying he’s in the ER their going to keep him next time cause I could have skinned him alive over that! lol! However, I am prepared for any phone calls or any bad news and ready to deal with it. My family is great and are very supportive. So I’ve got a great support system that I hope I’ll never have to use. But I think the best thing that helped me was watching him in full gear fighting a couple of fires. I don’t watch to many movies like “Backdraft” or “Ladder 49″. I’ve also had to stop watching footage from 9/11. The hardest thing I have problems with is sleeping when he’s on shift. Keep up the great work Fire Fighter Wife! Love it!
HotWife
You say “I’d be a crazy person” like there is something wrong with that
I’m pretty sure it takes a crazy girl to stay sane and want them to blab about their work lol
Yeah, let him know if he EVER sends another text and the department DISRESPECTS YOU with letting him text about an injury then there may be some wives around the country taking it out on some individuals personally. I know I can write off the airfare so they only have to fear their welfare for not contacting you appropriately lol
Glad you don’t live in fear Deirdre. Live in the now and enjoy every minute, it’s all we are given
Danielle
It’s a constant back and forth thing for me…everytime the pager goes off (he’s a volunteer) I cringe (sometimes because he is skipping out on the dinner I just made and sometimes because the call is “serious”)…he however happily runs out the door ready to “play” as he calls it…I am not sure that I will ever understand this mentality…however, I have decided that when I finish grad school (somewhere in the area of 2012-2013) I plan to go thru the academy just to see if I can begin to understand it…we shall see
HotWife
I’m sure they would welcome you at drills
lacey
With havin so much content and articles do you ever run into any issues of plagorism or copyright infringement? My website has a lot of exclusive content I’ve either created myself or outsourced but it looks like a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my authorization. Do you know any methods to help protect against content from being ripped off? I’d certainly appreciate it.
HotWife
Hi Lacey, it’s always an issue if you are on the internet. Especially if your site ranks well and you have a lot of content. I’ve been online for over 10 years now. Some of it you just wash your hands of and move on, as long as it’s not hurting your business any. But for the most part I contact the person directly and send them a cease and desist email. Depending on the site I will also send a notice to their hosting at this same time. Things that look like it could be a newbie site owner I will contact them first and give them the benefit of the doubt for not knowing, but that’s rarely who is stealing content. It stinks that so many people think that if something is online then it’s fair game to use. Totally not the case. EVERYTHING on all of my sites is my personal property and copywrited.