Some questions take me a little longer to answer than others. They get a little deeper and I just may not be in a position to hit them up. Please don’t get discouraged but I have to be in a decent mindset to answer things without giving a smartass response or sounding cranky in my reply. Plus as you’ll notice I don’t blog here every day so I like to get other posts set up between the questions.
But I’ve got another question to answer about our guys working with female co-workers. I’m sure many of us have co-ed departments and can relate to how we’ve dealt with different aspects in our own personal life.
Q: My boyfriend has been on the fd for about a year now. A woman just recently joined and they have become pretty close (texting, calling, etc.). He assures me he thinks of her as “one of the guys.” I know it’s silly, but do I have the right to be jealous? How do I overcome this? Has this ever happened to you? We’re thinking about getting married (we’ve been together 4 years), so I know deep down that I have nothing to worry about. I think I need some reassurance from a woman who has probably dealt with this before. My friends are immature and thinks that he’s going to cheat. I want advice on how to get over this darn jealousy! Thank you!
A: First if something bothers you then you need to feel comfortable enough in your relationship to be able to talk to your boyfriend about it. It doesn’t have to be rational thoughts you just need to be rational when you are bringing them to his attention.
It’s true he may think of her as one of the guys. I’m just one of the guys to many BUT that doesn’t mean I will put my husband in a position where he feels uncomfortable. I don’t have co-ed friendships that my spouse isn’t a part of and when I was training I was very aware of how much I talked about my male clients. It’s not easy but I tried to put myself in his shoes and how I might feel if I was constantly hearing about one of the women he works with. While I know nothing would be going on, it still sends irrational messages in my brain.
Hubby worked a lot with one of the women in our dept in his first couple of years. At first it was a little rough because of stupid thoughts going on in my head. He’d worked with other women in construction but of course this “living” in the same place was a different aspect to get used to. I’m sure I got over my ridiculousness quicker because I met her so many times and met her husband as well.
Then there are the friends you mentioned who I assume aren’t in the firelife. Why are they saying he’s going to cheat? Just because he works with a woman? It’s pretty safe to assume they work with a lot more men, so the odds are higher that they will cheat with their co-workers if that’s the correlation used. If they just think it’s funny then I’d probably have a chat with them and tell them it’s not cool and you don’t find it funny. Usually all it takes is telling your friends that something they do bothers you and they will stop. If not, well that’s a whole other issue to work with.
If he’s texting and phone calling more than you like then it would be a good idea to address it. I’d also suggest having a get together so you can get to know her. Whether it’s dinner at your house or going out somewhere for drinks it will help you a lot if you can at least chat with her for a few hours. Will make you more comfortable when you find out she has absolutely no thoughts of moving in to your relationship.
Any of you ladies had the jealousy issue pop up and can offer advice?
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Tracy
My husband took his EMT course with a woman from his volunteer FD. They spent every Tuesday and Thursday night in class together. They would occasionally study one or two nights a week before a test. I knew her and had even spent some time with her, her husband/kids. But I still got jealous. Looking back, I didn’t think anything was going on I was jealous of the time she got to spend with him. Time I didn’t get. Now the four of us are best friends.
HotWife
Great point Tracy. It’s not necessarily that the worry of cheating is there, but they are spending that time with them that we don’t get.
Trina
Ask if you can meet her. Invite her over for dinner, go out, whatever works. You might find that you actually like her. I am one of those girls that is one of the guys – my phone ring tone is ESPN Sports Center, baseball. My ring on hubby’s phone is the “lucky couch” jingle. The SI comes in my name. My Twitter is all sports and firelife. I was the thrilled one when we got DTV’s Sunday Ticket. And my hubby could care less. It actually caused problems at a party with other FireWives, because I sat and watched the game instead of hanging out in the kitchen with the girls. You have to talk to your BF or it will consume you. Communication is everything. And you have to be able to trust him or this life will never work out. Hang in there.
Tricia
It’s nice to read there is another girl out there like me! I’m a football mom who lives football in general… I’ve spent my whole life in a law enforcement family with 4 brothers. My idea of a fun day is throwing lead down range… Now I’m an EMT and work the 24 shift. I am one of the guys… But I’m also the female co-worker that wants to meet the wife/fiancée/GF… So there is no reason for them to hate me!
Kelly
I have gone through this with my FF but the best thing you can do is talk to him about how your feeling like Val said. I know it’s hard, but you have to trust him if not you will go crazy. If your friends are saying he is going to cheat is it because he has done something in the past or is it because they are outside the fire life? Remember sometimes they like to call each other and text about different fire calls or swapping shifts or just to say hi. They have a very close bond and have become a family within the FF. The best thing to do is get involved in their events and like Val and Trina said , try hosting an event so you can establish a friendship as well. Usually I am one of the guys and we all watch Green Bay or UFC fighting and we have a blast and I have gotten to know the FF women as well. I know this is all easier said than done, just communicate with your FF about how your feeling and try to get involved. Wishing you the best of luck
Deirdre
I’ve haven’t had a problem with my ff working with other women. He was deployed for a year to Iraq with women in his unit. So I guess that doesn’t bother me. The only problem I had was when he came home and told me that one of the older guys was trying to set him up with an ER nurse at the hospital in their area. They all knew he had a girlfriend! When I finally met the guy, I joked with him about stop trying to set my ff up with nurses or I’d have to hurt him. But I got my point across without coming across as a total b*&$h.
Now my ff’s best friend’s girlfriend used to call and text my ff all the time. I stopped that very quickly! I didn’t say anything to the girl but I let my ff know that I felt that it was not appropriate and was unfair to his best friend and myself. So when she would call or text, he would let it go to voice mail and not answer texts back unless it was about his best friend. My ff listened to me and heard me out and made changes that kept the peace.
HotWife
Sounds like you have great communication Deirdre!
Thanks for commenting Kelly.
Amy
My husband works for a bigger department and works with women every now and again. I can say that I don’t get jealous because 1. he values his job too much to actually do anything inappropriate inside a firehouse – plus if anything were to happen and just one person knew, the whole department will know , 2. when he says that most of these women are one of the guys…. he means it, literally. 3. he knows that any sort of relationship within the fire department rarely lasts and there would be so much controversy that it wouldn’t be worth it. And, honestly, he’s one of those guys that doesn’t think women should be on the fire department so he’s not real chummy with them anyway (equality opportunity much? I’m not sticking up for him on that one!). And, someone mentioned something about them ‘living’ together. I wouldn’t consider it true living because it’s not as if they kick back every night, relax and cuddle watching movies. Also, he really values the time with the guys and not having to be censored. They can’t do that with a female around.
Sometimes I think some of these women are looking for true acceptance in this ‘guy’s world’. And, if they find a buddy that will treat them like one of the guys, then hey, maybe the others will, too.
And, another thing you have to think about(and I don’t know how often this happens in other departments), people get swapped around to different stations and shifts all the time. More than likely, they won’t always be working together.
And, what are they texting/calling about? My husband can spend 48 hours with the same guy and be on the phone with him on the way home talking fire department. So, if he’s talking shop with a female, then more than likely nothing is happening.
Lastly, if it bothers you that much, say something. And, evaluate how much you trust this person. I am in contact with males all day at work and I have no problem remembering I’m married (or, even before, who I was with). And, I know my husband is in contact with females when I’m not around, I can’t worry about every single time he talks to a female without me there, I’d go crazy! It’s about trust because you can get as much advice as you want but your feelings will stay the same.
HotWife
Thanks for commenting Amy!
Amber
It isn’t the women who work with them that I worry about. It’s the groupies. I know you’ve seen them. The ones that come in and act all coy and ask stupid stuff like, “tee hee can I slide down your pole.” Grrr, hold me back ladies…it’s these women that get under my skin.
HotWife
Only groupies we’ve ever had are old ladies that bring them food. They especially loved to stop by his old station a couple of days after calls and bring baked goods lol
Amanda
I have had this problem with FI before. We’re a hybrid county, and while FI’s station is all volunteer (only one in the county! *proudalmostwife*), there are paid medics that are staffed there on QRVs. One medic (who is now transferred) was female and FI even admitted to me he had a bit of a school-boy crush on her. Now, before we go any farther, let me say there were many, MANY rumors she was a lesbian, and I’m pretty positive the only reason he even had any type of crush on her is because she was probably a lesbian. We all know how guys are about that stuff. Anyway, I knew he would never actually do anything and teased him about it all the time. Especially after one night, in his sleep, cuddled up to me and said “Ohhhh hiiii *insert medic’s name*”
However there is one girl that runs at the station that I have a problem with, mostly because of an issue that came up with FI that I’m not going to go into detail about on here. Nothing happened, but it rasied MANY questions in my mind. The other girls that run at the station that I LOVE however and consider them very good friends of mine!
A big issue for me is that a lot of the other guys that run at his station cheat on their significant others.
It really all comes down to trust though, which is the major component in any relationship!
HotWife
Absolutely, and if they are hanging with those people you think of as cheaters. That’s another thing for people to consider. We do know who we don’t want them hanging out with by reputation, but are they? Or are they working with them only? Because they really can’t help the work schedule lol
Rebekah
I am having the same problem now! My husband works with this woman who is significantly older but often send him texts. It really does bother me because I am jealous. I had a big issue with other girls before my hubby became a FF but now that this is job my big issue has turned into a huge complex. blah. I hate feeling that way but it really truly does annoy me. I know he would never do anything like that or hurt our relationship. its the other women i don’t trust. So the other night, she texted him again. This time I messaged her back saying “I do not feel comfortable with you talking to him outside of work. Do not do it again” She understood where I was coming from so I was thankful for that. My husband totally understood and agreed that it was weird for her to be contacting him.
HotWife
Glad it was settled. Communication is always key
Tricia
I am actually on both sides of this fence…
My fiancée is a firefighter and EMT for a volunteer fire dept. when we began dating we were taking the EMT class together and were randomly made partners for class. The female instructor is on his fire dept and made it VERY clear how much she would like to “get to know” him. She had already gotten to know several of the other guys. So when we started dating, and moving through our relationship I would get so anxious, nervous, every time he went on a call or worked a shift. I had to have a calm rational (which was difficult- lol) conversation with him so he knew my fears. I have to say I’m lucky, he went out of his way to let me know when she was there, if he talked to her… I had to trust him.
Fast forward… I now work for an ambulance company, 24 hour shifts myself. Every 3rd day I “live” with my 3 male crew members… And I have a perminent partner, male. He and I are close friends… He’s engaged and so am I. If we weren’t opposite sex we would be in each others wedding… Lol. My fiancée deals with it really well… He knew my partner before I started working there. My partners fiancée had a very hard time with the idea… And I don’t blame her. I made it a point to put myself in her place, not too long ago I had my own insecurities. I urged my partner to invite her to quarters to eat with us… And really pushed for the 4 of us to go out together… She had to get to know me… It was just as important to me that she was okay…
In our careers we are close to our partners because we put our lives in their hands… We have a different kind of trust with them than the average person understands. It makes for great friendships… An extended family. I work with my 3 brothers every 3rd day.
Moral of the story… Be honest and open with your spouse, but trust them. Get to know their partner… But do it so you can truly KNOW the person… Not just to “size up the competition”… Because most likely, there really isn’t any… He loves you… He’s just family and friend to them.
Bobbie Jo
Not sure if this is still an issue or not, But I can say that I have been on both sides of the fence. I have been a volunteer fire fighter since 1999, and now I am the wife of a volunteer fire officer.
When I first became a fire fighter, I was treated as “one of the girl’s who wants to get to know your husband better”. I was dating a guy, and we were very serious, but anyway you looked at it, I was treated different by “my” guy’s wives or girlfriends. They treated me as if I was always trying to hook up with their BF or husbands. NEVER was that the case!
Being a woman, and doing the job, I was treated with kid gloves, always treated as if I was going to break a nail or something. If I didnt think I could do the job, I wouldnt have asked to be hired. After I had been around for a year or two, things changed, and after my BF and I went our seperate ways, the few guys on the department that were single, thought it was okay to try and get even more friendly. They were like my brother’s, not anything more. We fought like we were related, and for a majority of them, we were. I lived in a very small town. But like I said, they were family…NO interest in any of them what so ever. I was one of the guys!
Now that I am married to a volunteer Fire Officer, I am still just like one of the guys. Every guy knows who I am and who I am married to. I show it proudly! I see new FF and their wives or girlfriends act strange when they are around the women on the department. I pull them aside and have a small talk with them, and to let them know that not every girl on a Fire Department is out to get their husband or BF. What alot of wives and girlfriends might not understand, is that being a girl on a fire department, is a much harder job than they think….We as women, DO have to prove ourselves more than that of the guys on the department.
I took alot of “heat” from the older fire fighter’s, and the “old timer’s”. I was told many time’s, that I should be at home “making babies, baking cookies, doing laundry”, etc. Being a girl on a department is a hard thing to do, and respect is the main thing and probably the only thing that most of us is or are looking for.
rachel grant
Sound advice, Val. I struggled with random thoughts of my boyfriend not being faithful because he is surrounded by beautiful all day. He never gave me a reason to not trust him but my insecurity drove me mad. I finally gathered the nerve to just talk to him about it.
Whew! What a relief. Just getting it out and hearing his response gave me such clarity. I think we both reached a new level of open communication in a our relationship.
HotWife
Glad you got a good discussion out of it. It’s amazing how much better it gets when we openly communicate. Believe me, we just had a great discussion last week over some things as well. So much relief and back to happier self