She’s waited long enough for a response from me so we’ll just get right to the point with her question. It’s a really, serious question and I hope that many of you will help point me to new resources I can bring to everyone.
Q: Hello, my name is Lisa and my fiance is a firefighter/ paramedic and recently he has been struggling with the fact that every time he goes on shift something really awful happens. I have been trying to reach out and find him support. He just has a hard time talking to someone, like a therapist, who has no idea what it really feels like to go through these events. I was wondering if maybe you have any ideas of how i can get his mind off of all this. I was hoping there was some type of support group in our area but i havent been able to find one. I’m new at this and i was hoping for some good ideas. It worries me everyday when he’s always down due to a bad shift. Please help! Thank you.
A: First off, it’s important to get to know other people he works with. Whether it’s wives of those he works with or directly someone he works with. I say this because I had this same comment from a friends girlfriend and I’m so glad I could pass it on to my husband and get him help.
At times the guys forget that others haven’t been in the same situations. I know this particular event was a child fatality. My husband went through just about every horrible event you can do in his first year of volunteering. We just didn’t know that wasn’t normal…but I guess I’m glad it was our normal because we had to cope on our own for it. However, my son had just had an episode of craziness and our friend was associating with this first child fatality he witnessed.
Thankfully I have the connection with my hubby and I immediately said our BF was having a bad time. His girlfriend was fire as well so it’s not like she didn’t have some major clues about helping him. Come to find out there had been no debriefing for the event. We have had quite a few child events in that time so I can see where it can happen. But sadly it was our BF’s first child fatality so it really needed debriefing.
My stepping up and immediately passing on the info helped. I told hubby I didn’t want it known how it was passed on because I didn’t want any a-holes saying anything. That’s just not a spot you get to make fun of someone.
Now for other resources if the above is not an option. A therapist doesn’t have to go through any of the events, they do not have to actually understand the feelings to be of help. Therapy has nothing to do with the therapists feelings, it has to do with their skills at helping him work through HIS feelings. We have therapists available to us through the fire department and I’d recommend he talks to his Chief or HR to see if you do as well. Our therapists are also available to the fire family to my understanding.
As with any negative situations in life, help him remember the positives that happened at work as well. After listening to the stories he needs to get off his chest, work to pull out calls that he’s set aside because they were “routine” calls. Calls that they did save someones life by getting them help in time. Those are easy for them to overlook and it’s important for them to focus on how happy those people and their families are.
I found a great site for PTSD help for fire, police, ems called What is PTSD?
Then an even better site I found is FireStrong.org.
I also found some books that may help:
The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook: A Guide to Healing, Recovery, and Growth
This is obviously an area that needs more free help put out there. I was disheartened to find nothing on the iaff website at all. I contacted some guys to see if I can find even more info.
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Amber
First of all, let me say – GIRRRLLL, I have been there!! I’ll share with you what I’ve learned over the last few years. (Many points agree with Val
)
1. This is the most important. I can’t stress this enough. Build yourself a support network outside of your significant other. Preferably, with someone in a similar position (i.e. another firewife) This will allow you to stay strong and have the emotional support you need to be able to support him, while he unable to return you the favor.
2. Understand that this isn’t something that will just go away. It will be a roller coaster. Depression is a common and frequent problem because they see so much of the ugly in the world. Some FF’s can compartmentalize better than others. Some will turn to alcohol or drugs to make it disappear, or if he’s like my boo, he will start to just sleep his days away. Learn your sweetie’s warning signs.
3. Have an open line of communication. This is probably the toughest, but in my opinion the second most important. For me, this meant being a sounding board for everything he needed to get off his chest. He needs me to be able to hear about every ugly detail and not flinch or get overly emotional. Not gonna lie, it’s hard. But, this has the added advantage of keeping me in the loop, so I know what behavior to anticipate and can be better prepared to help or advise.
4. Find out about counseling. Some departments have counseling available to their FF’s and families, free of charge. Some have “peer” counselors within the department that could be a mentor for your SO – if he’s new to the dept. If none of these are available, call around to the local therapists/psychologists offices. Sometimes they offer counseling for FF’s either free or at a significantly reduced rate. Also check you insurance. Some insurances will pay up to a certain amount a year for mental health.
5. Lastly, help with the usual things that help with depression. Exercise and regular sleep will help tons. So will antidepressants and sleep aids, if needed. Making sure life isn’t 24/7 about the firehouse helps too. I will designate some nite NFDT (meaning no fire department talk) just to remind him of the world outside of the CFD. We are actually a firefighter home that doesn’t have a single FF knick knack in it (a rarity, I know). But this is done on purpose, to help him compartmentalize work life and home life. On the flip side, his locker, his helmet, his bedside table and his car are filled to the gills with momentos and pictures of happy times at with me and the kids – to help him keep perspective. Laughter helps too. I go to great lengths to make him laugh when he’s in a funk.
Best of luck to you and your firefighter!!!
HotWife
Thanks for your incredible comments Amber. All very good, helpful points. Finding a hobby definitely helps.