The question everyone always wants to know. My quick answer is a resounding… YES!
Q: Hello, I just came across you’re site and I think its wonderful. I am actually engaged to a firefighter. He is a volunteer right now but in the process of being hired on. Even being a volunteer he goes on a call on average twice a week for about 6 hours each time. Sometimes its 5 times a week and sometimes its none. Its very hard, never knowing when he’ll have to leave or if he’ll make it back to me safe. This may be a dumb question, but does it ever get easier?
A: I’m not sure how long you’ve been together or how long he’s been a FF so I’ll just go as if both may be kind of new.
It’s always difficult going through the adjustment period of something new. But, it’s especially difficult because we don’t have anything that remains the same each day. We’re constantly hit with something new and that’s the only thing that remains the same lol
I have just a quick question of why a call averages 6 hours? Is it only fire calls they go on? Ours have always been mostly medical calls, so he could be back anywhere from 30 minutes on, as we didn’t do transports as a volunteer station as a general rule. But we had a lot more calls than 2-5 so it probably averaged out to the same amount of time as you posted about.
You have to look at it as he will always come home to you safe. If you don’t, your sanity is going to take a major toll. He’s trained and so are those working with him. You have to put your trust in that training.
It’s very difficult not knowing when a call will go out. I wrote a post last spring about being a volunteer wife and it has a lot of information in it. Hubby was a volunteer for around 6 years before getting on paid and it was a roller coaster for sure. Especially since the kids were little.
When our district was super crazy before the merge it was rare for him to be home at all. He’d work his construction job and then there would be a ton of calls as well. I just learned to appreciate the time he was home because it was rare. Make sure and set up time that he won’t go on calls and he’ll actually turn the pager off. It doesn’t have to be very often, but it helps a lot.
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Mariah
I found that it does get easier, as well. It took me a long time (and honestly, I’m still working on it!) to figure out how to have a life that would still be complete if he couldn’t show up for stuff. Couples things were mostly out, because I didn’t know if he’d be available, or out on a call. But, it’s given me a lot of time to invest in myself, in others, and especially girlfriends!
Ask your to-be-hubs to tell you more about his training. The more I realized how careful they were, and how much time they put into practicing, the better I felt. Also, be sure to be honest about when you just need him to be around. I like to give my guy a warning, such as, “I’ve been feeling sort of lonely. Sometime in the next 2 or 3 days, I’m going to need to just have you around.” That way he knows, and has a chance to put things in order, if he needs to, in order to spend the day with you.
Good luck, and keep talking to other FF wives!
HotWife
Thanks for your insight Mariah, I know it will help her knowing how many of us are in the same boat
firefighter journey
I am a wife of a firefighter (sorry, not a volunteer ff), and have had the opportunity to be there from beginning to end.
I’m going to be blunt and say that being the wire of a FF it’s not easy. HOWEVER, through working on our marriage, understanding HIS work, and appreciating what we do have, it’s the best thing for our marriage.
WHy? It’s all about perspective…
His time away from home allows both of us to hold onto who WE are as individuals.
Makes us appreciate each other more when we are together.
We have date days (when kids are in school)
When he’s home, he cooks and cleans.
We put time aside to discuss his calls (especially when they are bad ones), which equates to bonding time.
And most of all…
knowing in the back of my head that when he goes to work it may be the last time I see him, I don’t sweat the small, trivial things that irritate and anger most couples. It is my fear that if his life ends in the line of duty and our last moment was a not so good one, I may regret it for the rest of my life. Therefore, I enjoy every moment in life that we spend together, and value even the small things. It may be a morbid way to think, but I happen to think it’s a blessing.
Of course, there are many moments when I feel like i’m a single mom, and much of the daily responsibilities fall on my shoulders, but it’s a wonderful life. So much so that I am in the process of trying to become a firefighter myself…
It takes a lot of work to get to this point, but in the long run, it’s so worth it!
Hope that helps!
HotWife
Thanks for your insight Journey
Nicole
hello, i am as well a firefighter girlfriend, ive been with my man from the beginning of volunteering to the academy, and now hes hired on a small department just getting his foot in, one day hell be at a bigger one after experience. Its very hard, I am a person who is very close to the one i love, and hate sharing him, but i have learn spending the time hes not around with girl friends makes it easier to accept and i hope that when were married one day and have kids, i will have it down pacted, its all about adjustment and trying to be positive. Which im not always great at being. But as long as when you are together you use it wisely, I think any relationsip can work and come on ladies, who doesnt want some girl time with some wine lol. My only worry is from growing up a military brat, my dad was always gone, i fear the same for my kids one day, that they wont get that closeness they need from their dad. And also with me having health issues, im scared one day of having an episode and pass out, and he wont be there caus eof his job, but i have to live with it.
HotWife
Hi Nicole. Super glad you commented. Welcome. Couple of points that struck me. I had a HUGE adjustment period for sharing him. His family was never very close (at least not like mine) so it was and IS always very different after 15ish years to share him. The kids and I have been everything. That was my own to get over as they aren’t trying to steal him and we can all share him. But I still get jealous sometimes just because it is weird.
I was not one of those that hang out with a lot of girlfriends before. Never had been one to just go out for a drink after work, etc. But I’m sure glad I’ve found some other wives now and that IS what we’ve done. Now that I have great girlfriends to hang with I agree it’s much easier. I know I can text them late at night when the guys are working, pick up the phone, etc. Priceless.
The health issues are definitely something I can understand you worrying about. Are you friendly with any of your neighbors? Is there someone you can give a key to and be able to call them if you feel something coming on? Unsure what your health is so I can only give you some generic advice. My neighbors daughter has MS and knows to call since I work from home. We have each others house keys for emergencies. Which has come in handy for other things as well. Like when we got snowed in up at the pass and needed the dogs taken care of.
Oh and having your Dad be gone won’t ruin a bond between children and Dad. It’s the quality time they get when he’s there that creates the bond. I know lots of military brats and that’s what they have told me. One friend’s Dad could be gone for well over a year and they wouldn’t know where he was at because of security, but he was incredibly close to his Dad
Brianna
It does get easier dealing with the job as a whole, we’ve been together 3 years now and he’s been on as a call/volunteer ff the whole time. I nearly left him several times because I wasn’t sure I could deal with the schedule, the stress, the lifestyle, and most importantly, the fact that you will always come second to the job. Out on a date, being intimate, sleeping, having an important talk, and a call comes through, he will always leave. I eventually started asking him to leave his pager at home when we’re out on dates, or make sure we go somewhere far enough away that the pager won’t work. (Though once I thought we were far enough since we were 3 towns away but sure enough the call came through, we had to leave midway through a golf game and I sat there waiting for 6 hours at the fire) That was what saved our relationship! Sometimes the pager just has to be off.
I worry every time he runs out the door, but as others have said, knowing about all his training will help you feel better. Also, I found that getting to know the people he works with gave me some comfort in the fact that I trust them. As a team, they really are responsible for each other’s safety. And get to know some of their wives! They can be great company on your lonely nights. But no matter what, I’m still awake the whole time he is gone, with my phone nearby just in case. And the most helpful thing for me was getting a scanner for our house so that I can hear what is going on, I keep it nearby when he’s at a fire and I can hear everything from the fire scene. They are about 400 dollars but worth every penny!
The hardest part for me was when we had our baby, as I needed his help more than ever after him being gone at his other job all day, and sometimes I just have to do it all alone. But if you love him, it is worth putting up with the job (and the training which will also consume his time). Don’t be afraid to tell him you don’t want to hear about it sometimes, as it can feel like it consumes his thoughts. Sometimes you will have to force him to put you and your family first, but my man was very understanding of this, he never realized he did it. Just remember to talk to him about all your worries! It may not get much easier, but it is so worth it.
HotWife
Thanks for all your wonderful comments Brianna. I love how you are truthful and not trying to sugar-coat it. I agree it’s all worth it.
meri
Hi Ladies,
I congratulate you all for being so courageous, loving, understanding and supportive to your firefighter husbands.
I learned so much from you all today, especially the idea of “making the most out of today”… indeed very true!
Even us who are not married to firefighters, we should appreciate “the today”..
coz no one really knows what tomorrow brings..
At least with you ladies.. you are well aware of this fact.. and you have somehow prepared yourself on this eventuality.
Thanks so much Ladies for this valuable tip that I learned today…
God bless you all!
HotWife
I think it is a good idea for everyone to live that way as you said. I worried more about my husband not coming home when he was commuting 2+ hours in high traffic and working his heavy construction than I do now. The odds were much worse for an accident then. I think most people take each day for granted as we get super busy.
BrucesBabe
Hi everyone. I recently started dating a fire fighter. He recently made lieutenant, yay for him. I havent been seeing him very long, but we have both fallen in love very quickly. he works 3 days on and 3 off and i am already beginning to feel the loneliness. He only texts me from work, and barely has time for a conversation. I dont like this feeling, but sure enough I always fantasized about marrying a fire fighter, so its true when they say watch what you wish for. I really want this to work for us, so I welcome any advice please and do you ladies have to deal with him not calling you when he is on duty? or should i be concerned. Thank you.
HotWife
I rarely get a call when he’s at work and it’s usually because he needs something dropped off. It’s too difficult to carry a conversation. Either they get a call or he has the guys listening or he’s trying to do chores, etc. It’s much easier to be able to text conversations and know that they are private. It never fails if he does call me then the tones will go off.
You say that you are newly together, so what was it you were doing with your days before you got together? I know you will miss him, but look at what you were doing during that time and keep at it. Just think of it as a melding of the best of both worlds. You still have that freedom of your time like when you were single, but the comfort of knowing you have a best friend to chat with and spend time with.
Hobbies and girlfriends are a sanity saver in my opinion.
BrucesBabe
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