So we have said all along “Jump in! Join us! Catch Up!” anywhere in this study. Now that I’ve read this chapter, I’d have to say this would not be the one to start with. While still good and informative, I think you need the background of at least the intros to put it into context.
I was really squirmy through the first part stating that sex should be uncomfortable. Ok Hal, I know you’re trying to be quippy with words and all but this is a little over the border for me. There’s just too much sexual dysfunction in the world and I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. But then again, I’m speaking from my past and upbringing. I’m the girl who’s mother described sex as “painful but you want it to hurt a little.” Um yeah. Was that a trick to get me to NOT have sex? And I do not even want to think about why my parents sex is painful for my mom. Ugh! Too much.
So, I got off on a great foot with my personal confidence in the sexual intimacy category. Through in the catholic good girl syndrome and it’s taken me nearly a full 40 years to realize that
JESUS WANTS US TO HAVE FREAKY GREAT SEX WITH OUR HUSBANDS!!!
(That’s one of my personal favorite marriage lines to really get people to pay attention!)
Now I have had some very healing and restorative conversations with some fire wives about sex. Like many of you, I went through my entire first marriage rarely experiencing an orgasm. Of course, there was zero emotional communication so it all makes sense. They are so interwoven as Hal so accurately shares as well.
So let me get a little raw and revealing here. Control freak girl (that’s me) needs to lose a little bit of that control (in the bedroom) to let someone please her. This did not happen for me until I met a man (my current husband, duh!) who
– is so strong in the verbal affirmation love language I can’t even keep up with him
– came with a confident swagger that made me feel safe and secure with him “in charge” as head of our household (this is where I get a bit mixed up with Hal’s message by the way. I want to feel safe and secure…..but authentically, not because we are stuffing the tough stuff and not dealing with it.)
– who I felt so at ease with that I could actually relax and let him pleasure me, yes to finally experience regular orgasms
and the older I get (ahem, 40 year old sex drive in women is no joke and I can understand why some ladies don’t mind being called cougars!!) it seems that we are also trying new things. So yes that is a little daring and adding the unexpected, outside the safe zone.
But…..I truly believe that also comes because of how much personal and emotional growth we’ve had in our marriage. Let’s face it. When he is irritable and you are feeling hopeless, throwing your arm over his back and spooning in bed is a last ditch effort to try to connect. If he responds, it patches the bad spot for a moment and maybe encourages him as a man to open up a bit in what I like to call “the golden moment”. After you’ve had great sex and can say almost anything without him getting mad.
“That was so wonderful.” *sigh* quietness. stillness. “I was so mad at you today when you ____________. And now that’s all just washed away.”
And he responds something like “yeah I need to get better about that.” and you both laugh it away.
The golden moment of forgiveness before you slip into the sex exhaustion coma.
Well, now I didn’t intend to just dump our sex life like that but there you go! Why bother erasing? I hope this is helpful to some of you.
Back to the book, the most insightful quotes for me were:
Page 188 “By remaining calm and present when your spouse chooses to respond, you create the opportunity for an authentic self-representation from your partner.”
Page 183 “Each partner is waiting for the other to make the bold, risky, vulnerable first move.” So true! So many ladies ask me “Why do I have to be the one to go first? To apologize first? To break the silence and approach him?” I truly believe its because someone has to and if you do it enough times (with calmness and maturity) you’ll be setting such an amazing example for your spouse as to how easy it is. Eventually (it took 6 years for me so be patient!) the silent treatments get shorter and he’ll surprise you by breaking them first.
Page 177 “The knowledge we both reveal and gain about ourselves and the other during sex is more revealing than any other kind of knowledge.” This is exactly why women get defensive and possessive when other women “touch” their husbands. Even those ladies who casually lay their hands on his arm while they talk to him. Yeah. Not going to happen around me. it’s totally crossing a line because immediately the conversation is more intimate with the touch. However, I’m not sure I buy that sexual knowledge is more revealing than any other kind. of course, I haven’t studied it for years to know for sure but it seems that knowledge of their hearts and dreams and fears and how their brains work should be so much more revealing than how they have sex. Maybe they just have a sex hang up from some childhood upbringing like me. This is a good one to chat about in the comments.
Everything you need to become naked and unashamed with your spouse is already available to you. p.182
Experiencing an erotic, emotional connection as you’ve never had before is going to require some intentional moves and responses you’ve never tried before. p.189
A few questions to discuss in the comments….answer as openly or discretely as you prefer
1. Who usually initiates sex and how? Next time what I want to happen is…….
2. What do you think about the statement: “great sex is supposed to be uncomfortable. What are some areas of your sex life that you need to take a risk?
3. Are there some habits you would like to get rid of?
4. What are some of the biggest issues in your sex life? How have you tried to work on those or have you tried to talk to your partner about them?