Well, my fireman comes home from shift today. And you know what that means?
It’s Shaving Day!!!
After so many years in this life and with a family of five to tend to, shift and non-shift days look fairly similar, with one exception. I wear shorts or skirts on his first couple days home, but I’m mostly a jeans kind of girl at the end of the shift cycle. Now that just seems inconsequential and kind of crazy for me to even mention it, right? But it’s TRUE! I have to believe that I’m not the only woman who does this. So let me ask:
Does anyone else shave their legs according to their fireman’s shift schedule?
(Haha! Please, somebody stand in my corner for this one so I don’t feel so dumb.)
My current shift schedule (yes, after 14 years, I call it “my shift schedule” too and I think that’s acceptable) has me shaving about 1-2 times per week. My firefighter works 48 hours on then has 96 hours (4 straight days) off. He, works a second job on some of his off-days, but he is home every evening on those days. The way I calculate it, in the summer months in the South when jeans are simply unbearable, I have to shave every couple days just for the sake of decency. But as the weather cools and I don’t pass out from heat exhaustion just at the thought of wearing jeans, I break it down into a nicely timed pattern.
Here is my running inner dialogue on any given cool-weather 6-Day Shaving Cycle:
• Day 1: He’s coming home from shift in an hour. I can hop in the shower and shear my sheep-like legs! That way, when he crawls in bed with me tonight, all will be well. My silky, smoothness will entice him to be just a bit closer to me, leading to…well, you get the picture.
• Day 2: I can get up and go for a jog. Then I’ll still have time for a quick shower. No shaving time before I have to dive into my busy day though. It’s okay. I’m still good from yesterday.
• Day 3: I’m starting to feel a bit sand-papery when I run my hand up my leg, but today is an insanely busy day. I barely have time to pee, much less take the time to shave both legs. If it’s more like the really rough 80-grit sandpaper rather than the 240-grit, smoother stuff, AND there looks like the promise of some between-the-sheets action tonight, then I’ll do a quick run over my shins and calves with my shaver. That’ll hold me over!
• Day 4: It’s his last day home before he heads back to work. I really should try to make this a special evening…a slight stubble isn’t going to turn him away though. Let’s face it. His priority focus is not on the smooth curve of my calf when I’m naked in bed. Besides that, I shaved the shins last night, only to be welcomed to bed by the sound of soft snoring before I read myself to sleep. There’s a penance to be paid for that.
• Day 5: Whew…he’s on shift. I miss him and would much rather he be home, but I’m just going to bust out my favorite jeans and enjoy the fact that I don’t have to dedicate 10-15 minutes to shearing myself like a ripe alpaca today! Yay!!!
• Day 6: Okay, he comes home tomorrow. I’m noticing that the friction released when I pull my jeans on is enough to spark a match to life. And whenever I turn over in bed, my sheets stick to my cactus-like legs and travel with me, catching me in prickly webbing by the morning. Hmmm…I could shave today and relieve myself of these issues. Then again, it’s another busy day and that would take too much time. I’ll just stand clear of any fuel sources during my spark-filled dressing session, and slog through another day instead. Maybe tonight I’ll soak in a candlelit bath, dream of my sexy fireman, and start my shaving cycle again before he comes home in the morning.
Now, maybe some of you think I’m crazy for planning a shaving schedule around his shift.
Maybe you’re right. But at least I willingly admit to my slightly wacky side even though I’m not sure where I learned to detest shaving so much. Don’t get me wrong. I completely love to have sleek legs and hairless armpits that keep me from looking like the Yeti’s long lost cousin when I walk through the woods. I just hate committing the time to shave! I would prefer to just be able to snap my fingers or cross my arms and blink like Jeannie each morning and be fully showered, shaved, and ready for the day in 0.8 seconds.
When I was a teenager, I remember my dad yelling to me in the tub one time, “What’s taking you so long?”
I had jumped in the shower in a hurry, which was not a good scenario to begin with. By this time I had forgotten to rinse the soap out of my hair and it was stinging my eyes. I had nicked my right ankle during shaving and in my frantic push to finish I slipped the razor sideways on my left shin and opened a nice red, dripping crescent moon shape. The bathroom was looking more like the site of a ritualistic bloodletting than a teenager’s prepping palace. So I hollered back, “You take less time because you only have one face to shave and I have TWO legs!” At this, my dad laughed and very wisely backed away from the bathroom door and any further questioning.
So, while taking the time to shave has always been a bone of contention and a major source of irritation for me, I’ve never wanted to present my fireman with anything less than flawlessly smooth legs.
Quite a dilemma…perhaps it’s time I give waxing a try.
Will that last me more than six days?
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