I’ve had a little email conversation with a firefighters girlfriend and she posed an interesting discussion.  Since we run with mostly married folks or couples that have been together a while I didn’t even think of the guys worrying about how their SO (significant other) is able to handle the stress of their work.  But it was brought to my attention that it could be a worry.

A little background, the two of them are in different states and I’m a geography idiot so I can’t tell you without running off to google how long that distance could be.  I don’t know their towns anyway. lol

Question: I’ve been dating a firefighter captain and it’s a whole new world, things I need to get used to and understand.  We want to make this permanent but he’s so afraid that I won’t be able to handle the stress. Talking with other girlfriends/wives is what I need to figure all this out. I hope you can help with this – thanks! T

Answer: Ok, so the above isn’t technically a question but it still is a call for asking advice.  Since the beginning of the emails were about looking for support.

I’m wondering if he has grounds for thinking she can’t handle the stress.  From a second email, I’m wondering if this question comes up because she does worry a lot.  If things are bothering her a lot already and she hasn’t moved closer to his work yet I could see that his concern is it will get worse when she moves.  Since there were quite a few unknowns and always will be, I’ll go with what I have.

I always suggest getting together with locals.  We can chat all we want online but it’s never going to be the same as having a one-on-one girlfriend discussion and laughs.  Getting together with some other couples will help with the mindset that you aren’t doing this all alone.  It’s probably rough because if you don’t live close to each other then you want to spend time alone when a date night actually happens.  But believe me, you’ll be happier after spending some time with others in the department that he wants to introduce you to.  Even if it’s just a lunch get-together and then you can have the evening free for your own date.

Think of what is worrying you the most?  If I was living a distance away I think my worry would end up being if something happens, would I be notified and how quickly can I get there.  Look at your list of fears and it may help you have a better discussion with him about it.

If things are worrying you then it’s good to discuss it all, but also look at if this is the only topic of discussion when you are together.  If that’s the case then you can imagine why he’s worried you can’t take the stress.

It can’t take over your every thought.  They have enough horribleness to deal with every day.  If they have to constantly ease your fears it just adds more work to that.  I feel we are here to remind them that life is normal and bring that normal to fruition.  Of course, everyone’s normal is different

Was your guy worried about how you would handle the stress of being a firefighter wife?

I’m a little behind on questions that have been sent to me.  Forgive me ladies if you have sent them in, I know they were important enough for you to send them to me.

This question is definitely one we all battle with.  The last minute calls that take them away and how to deal with feeling second.

Question: Thanks for this website, it has great insight! My boyfriend is a firefighter and I truly love him and support him in any way, we have been together for 1.5 years. I admitt that I have blown up in two occassions when we are supposed to see each other and he gets called in to work and we aren’t able to meet. I have apologized and let him know that I do support him, this last time I aplogized right away and the relationship does not seem the same. I don’t want to overwhelm him and have given him some space. We have talked about getting married, I went on a two week trip and we said that when I got back we would speed things up and begin the planning. Of course I would love to spend the rest of my life with him, I want to let him know that I support him and the disagreements we have had about his schedule are somewhat “normal” (from what I read) and its not something that will detotoriate our relationship. Any input?

Thanks, D

Answer: As always, I’m going to start this off by saying how key communication is. If you have felt a shift since that last blowup then it would be a good idea to ask him about it.

On those days that it really bothers you that he can’t make it to see you, look at how your day went.  It’s a safe bet that you were having a rough day and felt the need to see him to make it better.  Instead this was the straw that broke the camels back on your emotions at the end of the day.  That can be completely normal.

I am unsure how often this happens to you because all the departments are so different in how calls come in.  Also it wasn’t said if he’s on a paid department or volunteer and that can make a big difference in your feelings as well.

I know when my husband was a volunteer we did set different times that he couldn’t go on calls.  It wasn’t often but it was necessary.  A date here and there during the year and a couple of hours on the kids birthdays.  There would be times he’d get a call during a birthday party or family event and we it was just fine that he would run off.  But for at least a couple of hours on the kids bdays it was a priority for him to be here.  Same with date nights.  If it came down to my having to set some law down then it meant we REALLY needed time and I just explained it to him that way.

Career now is a different story because we don’t have staff that are “on call” ever.  It would have to be something catastrophic for him to HAVE to go in.  General alarms go out and if he’s available he’ll go.  We’ve only been mandatoried a couple of times and while annoying it didn’t happen on a day that couldn’t be worked around.  If OT goes out he’s pretty good about asking if we have anything major going on before taking it.  Again, not usually anything that can’t be moved around and I can always have a typical date on the next night.  If there are tickets to somewhere then he would have already turned it down.

While it is normal to have some disagreements about it I’d definitely look to yourself and see why it is bothering you so much that it’s causing major arguments.  If it’s something that is going to happen often in his department then you’ll need some fall-backs for times that plans change.  If a date gets dropped then consider it bubble bath night.  Set up some kind of treat that you normally wouldn’t do as it’s replacement.  That may help with the disappointment.

How do you other wives cope with a disappointing cancellation because of work?