Relationship :: Firefighter Wife

An Important Update From Val

Posted on May 17, 2012 by HotWife

I’ve had a rough time writing this post. In fact I’ve stared at the blank screen for hours now. Time to just blurt it out.

I have sold the site.

For those of you on the newsletter list this won’t be a surprise. You were the only one’s that new I was putting it up for sale. I wasn’t looking to sell to a big company and get rich from it. Firefighter Wife was never about the money. I wanted to make sure it was going to be taken over by someone that would continue it forward with being a helpful resource.

I believe I found that person in Lori. I’m excited about ideas she’s shared with me and some of her vision for the future here.

When a decision is right it can be easy to make. Selling FFW was an easy one and one that has also gone smoothly. My other sites are keeping me really busy (yeah) and I’m unable to post as much here as I’m sure you have noticed over the months. It’s been one more thing on my to do list that weighs on me. Instead of letting the site go downhill I wanted to let someone else keep it growing. Not only keep it going but push it in the direction I’m sure it can go.

Lori is graciously letting me hang out and post here and there so I won’t be completely gone. I’ll still be on the fanpage, commenting on posts and joining in on the forums as well. :)

I’m so happy I created firefighter wife. It has served so many purposes over the years helping me work through this new life we entered into once he became paid. All of you have been incredible with support for me and for each other. Not once have I ever have to edit or delete a hateful comment from one of you readers. That is amazing and shows how great all of you are. I know you’ll continue to be helpful to Lori as well.

Thank you to all of you for helping me create the community atmosphere at FFW and for becoming friends. I’m glad this isn’t a case that I’m having to say goodbye. Just a see you around in a different capacity.

With love,

Val

Categories : Everyday, Relationship

Comments (11)

Ex-girlfriend in the Department

Posted on March 12, 2012 by HotWife

This isn’t something I have personal experience in since hubby and I started dating when we were 17 and 18. I mean, we didn’t even have something I’d consider a “serious” relationship before each other. But, we did grow up in a small town. I knew everyone he’d dated. In fact when we went off to college one of his more major ex’s was the only person I knew besides hubby. We would double date a lot with her & her fiance. But no games were being played and in no way was there ever a hint she wanted him back. This ex and I grew up a block away from each other. I graduated and was friends with her younger brother. It’s a part of small towns lol

Part of a comment form I received recently included:

Q: He has an ex girlfriend in his department, one he was with before me and she often times cause issues for us. I understand that being in the department they are going to need to be civil and be able to work side by side on the job. I am trying to be understanding with that but sometimes it gets to me. I’m not realt sure what I am afraid of, cause he says all the time that he doesn’t love her and I do believe him I mean why else would he be with me instead. But she likes to play games. I am looking for some advice, anyway to cope. I live in a diff town than him almost 2 hours away, but that is changing for I will be moving to be closer to him. With their father being absent the girls have grown fond of him as well. I dnt want to feel worried about her. How do u cope with the ex being in he same department?

A: I guess I did cut out an important part of this being a volunteer dept. I just didn’t want to copy/paste too much info and have the person be traceable if they wish to be anonymous. I have issues with dating in the workplace, no matter the job. It will always cause issues. Good issues, bad issues or ugly issues, there will be problems that will cause havoc in any workplace. It causes very unique problems having an a relationship. BUT, that’s a separate issue to talk about and not the point here.

The thing I see that needs to be addressed in this email is highlighted above. She likes to play games. I’m unsure if these games are code for her wanting him back, practical jokes because she’s just one of the guys or she causes actual trouble for him at work. But that seems to be the core of the issue as I read it.

Analyze these games being played. I’d personally write things down that have been bothering me. I’m a big pen and paper person. By writing it all down you could come up with a mixture of three conclusions.

Maybe more of this is in your head than you think. YEAH! This is the option we hope for No matter how hard we fight it, we all have female hormones. I know they often make me think things are worse than they actually are or just put stupid ideas in my head altogether. This is why pen and paper works so well for me. I see it in black and white, laugh at myself and it’s easier to move on.

She looks like she’s jealous and does want him back. Obviously if you are with him and looking to move closer to be with him then he’s a keeper. Hard to fault her for realizing she made a bad choice. If there are very specific things she’s done that make you uncomfortable then bring those SPECIFIC events up with your boyfriend. Work on keeping the emotions as low key as possible so you don’t come off as the jealous new girlfriend. Explain how these events make YOU feel, no matter if they have a basis or not. Stress that you are not doubting him but you just want to keep the communication going strong on how it makes you feel.
I think it’s hard for hubby not to roll his eyes when I start a conversation with, “I know I’m being stupid, but…” He never knows what’s going to come after that statement. I could be about to hit him up with new ideas I’ve added to our zombie apocalypse plan. I know you just giggled, but that is literally what my poor hubby has to deal with. I’m pretty sure he’s afraid of what goes on in my head lol

She’s moved past #2 and is also causing trouble at work. If this is the case then it’s time for the chain of command to be notified. Maybe things are bothering you because you do feel he’s being harassed at work and that is not ok. Again, by writing things out you will be able to pinpoint to your boyfriend what is bothering you and why. I know I personally go all Momma Bear and have since I was very little about family members and good friends being harassed or bullied. My first fight was at 3 (yes, 3 years old) because someone kept smacking my baby brother.
It’s possible she’s making work difficult with inappropriate behavior and he hasn’t realized how inappropriate it is. Sometimes stories are just passed on to us and they haven’t realized how all the actions have built up over time and affecting them. Knowing whether he needs to talk to his superiors about an issue is something only he can decide. So don’t be pushy about it if this is a conclusion you come to. It’s really hard for me as there are times I just want to march down and rip someone’s head off for not noticing things. See, there’s Momma Bear again. But it boils down to it being their place of work so they have to be the one’s to deal with it.

As I say all the time, communicate. No relationship is going to work without a good line of communication. This is going to be especially necessary if they both stay in the volunteer dept for a long time. If it was a more recent breakup then it just might take a little while for them to get back into a comfortable working relationship.

Any of you ladies dealt with an ex being at the dept and can pass more actual tips on? Might be especially helpful for any of you female firefighters that have gone through it personally or watched it unfold at the station.

Categories : Fire Questions, Relationship

Comments (7)

Blogging With The Department Watching

Posted on February 27, 2012 by HotWife

I’m not going to lie, hearing feedback from locals about your blog for the first time is very unnerving. Especially since I’d been online with my blogs and sites for years before it ever finally happened. We can thank facebook for that lol

I was asked how I deal with the anonymity issue and any of it getting back to him at work. And I guess that’s easy for me to answer, I don’t. I don’t deal with it that is. He does, and I always have to remember that.

As those locally will attest, I’m an open book. If you want to know something just ask. I keep it easy here. I don’t talk about anything that I wouldn’t talk about with someone in person, face-to-face. That could be up for interpretation if you read earlier posts, but it’s true for the posts from the last couple of years.

I don’t post about actual calls with details. I don’t post about exact situations or issues that come up. If I do talk in a general form about an issue, I set the post ahead months or even a year ahead so we’re not directly in the situation and it’s easily tracked back to people. I never post about things hubby has told me and risk his job with even a hint of a HIPPA violation.

I post about how the firelife affects ME. I post about MY feelings that take place.

If you have the personality that you do worry, even slightly, about what others think of you, it is probably not a good idea to start a blog. If you blog about personal issues, then you are just leaving the windows, doors and roof wide open for others to comment. I think that goes for both people in the relationship, not just the one blogging. It’s my husband that has to hear about it and he has to be ok with it. If he’s not ok with it then it would become a problem in our relationship and there are enough issues to contend with than to add something superficial like that.

That said, facebook was actually an issue that DID come up and annoyed the hell out of us both. To the point I almost deleted my account a few times. I have been on twitter for years and it’s a totally different animal. On twitter you can post often. I didn’t know facebook wasn’t the same. OR WAIT, that wasn’t the case, it was the fact that people who are new to being online wanted to push how THEY felt facebook should be. Hubby was constantly harassed at work for how much I post. SERIOUSLY?! Hit unfriend then if it annoys you moron!

I’ve gone through quite a few periods of no posting because of it. Now if I find out there’s a complaint, I unfriend them myself, that easy. Because my REAL friends get worried and annoyed if I’m not posting on there. lol Facebook can definitely be another blog post. Probably a few blog posts.

I think my biggest recommendation about starting a blog that will post anything personal is to go in with full disclosure with your husband. Mine doesn’t care because I’m careful about boundaries. It probably doesn’t hurt that I’ve also been online blogging and building websites for over a decade. It’s not something new that I’m picking up.

I know there are quite a few regular bloggers here, how did it come up with your husbands? Did you talk about it before you started or ever talk about it at all? How do they feel about it and even more odd to me, do they read your blog? While writing this it dawned on me that I’ve never asked him how he feels about my blog. Hopefully I’ll remember to bring it up tomorrow.

Image: Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Categories : Everyday, Relationship

Comments (12)

Happy Un-Valentine’s Day

Posted on February 15, 2012 by HotWife

Now that Valentine’s day is finally done with, we can get back to loving everyone as we should. Not like the corporations and media have told us we should.

Hubby and I have had 21 V-day’s together. I can remember the first one because hubby was away at college and it was my senior year. I probably still have the little plaque he got me somewhere, but I can’t remember what the other little things were. I remember all of us laughing because the guys had to run out last minute and get stuff since they’d forgot. The girlfriend from the other couple would have pitched a fit if our friend hadn’t done well with the gifts. I didn’t even care. I was just so happy my boyfriend was home that the stuff really meant little.

See what possibly started a long line of not caring about Valentine’s day? Well I guess it goes farther back than that. I didn’t grow up with a ton of money and we did a lot more things for each other rather than buying things. The best presents still in my opinion are time spent with your loved one’s and/or homemade gifts. Not that I don’t appreciate big gifts and I’m definitely not all above that. lol I just still think gifts feel more special when they have meaning behind them.

Valentine’s day to me is a forced day. Telling people that they MUST go spend $120+ on flowers, buy chocolates, blingy jewelry or make reservations at the “best” restaurant where it will be packed, loud and over-priced for the night because they have a special menu. That if they don’t do these things they don’t really love their spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend. It’s just ridiculous and sets everyone up for failure. I know that sounds bitter, but I’m not at all. I’ve only had Valentine’s day as an adult with my husband and I can’t remember a single one that I was horribly disappointed. So it’s not a matter of tracking to a year that ruined them all forever.

I think I’ve passed on the message to at least our daughter. The high school does stoplight day on Valentine’s day. They wear red if your taken, green if your single and yellow if it’s complicated. My daughter and some friends wore black to celebrate. lol That’s my girl. I told her she should say they were protesting commercialism. Even though I know they just wanted to make the statement that the day is stupid in their book.

I am a firm believer that every day you should celebrate your love. Every day you should tell your loved one’s that they are important. It’s all part of the no regrets way I’ve been working hard at living by. You aren’t guaranteed tomorrow and you don’t want to regret not saying or doing something important. Thankfully, I didn’t learn that the hard way. I learned it by making the time when I was too busy and then having those loved one’s pass away not long after. I can look back and be thankful that they knew I loved them.

But on to the funny part of this post. In honor of my pushing my beliefs on my kids (as is my right lol) I doctored up these boxes of chocolates to put in their lunches. I wonder if they’ll say anything when they get home. I double wonder if my son will even notice what I wrote before he rips it open and snarfs down the chocolate.

Hubby took OT on V-day and in honor of him working an extra shift I have a yummy salmon dinner planned for him tonight. We’ll spend the evening doing what we probably would have on Valentine’s Day. Sitting in our recliners, possibly both on our computers and catching up on the dvr. Ain’t we romantic?

Categories : Everyday, Relationship

Comments (6)

Text All Day

Posted on September 28, 2011 by HotWife

Some days I just want to text back and forth all day. What is up with that?

He was just home yesterday. Although after napping and the gym it’s not like it left 24 hours of talk time for us. Oh and there was sitting miserably through parent night for an hour at drivers ed. See, so many things cut into MY TIME yesterday. lol

Luckily it doesn’t happen often and I really try to fight it. My personal thing is I can’t send more than 2 text messages without getting a text back. I know he’s too busy to read them and they’ll just get lost on his phone. For some reason I just had the urge to text every single thing happening today. How annoyingly girly would that have been?

Maybe it’s a hint that I need to start making some lunch dates with friends or attend some networking events during the day. I know I need to find some local business networking groups in order to grow some business. It’s just difficult to break into my time with no one home and head out.

One thing I always work on is not texting a bunch of negative information to him while he’s at work. Some days like today are difficult. My daughter was a real pile of teenager this afternoon and I desperately needed to vent. She’s probably coming down with whatever I had last week, but I really don’t care. Rude is rude and her Dad will now be taking her on her practice drives for the next week minimum. Arghh, see, I really needed to vent. lol

There’s no such thing as a typical day of how many texts I’ll send or how many replies I’ll get back. Some days it may be none, others I may be lucky just to get a goodnight text. Very rarely now is he at the station enough to text throughout the day now that he’s at a much busier station.

Do you text much? Do you actually talk to them on the phone while he’s at work?

Categories : Everyday, Family, Relationship

Comments (13)

Communicate or be Miserable

Posted on September 26, 2011 by HotWife

Read any number of my blog posts and you will see that I think communication is the key to EVERYTHING in a relationship. Without it you become a single entity in this journey and the bitterness will suffocate you.

Q:Thank you for your blog. I am going crazy with no support from my hubby, as I am not really supporting him. My husband works a full time job as a truck driver. He works from 6am and does not get home usually till 4-4:30 and sometimes he works late. We have been together for 10 yrs we have 2 wonderful boys 7 and 4 and they are more than a handful at times. I work as a school bus driver, so during the school year I am out the door by 6 also with both boys dressed, fed ,and ready for school, some mornings I forget about “ME” I have a little break during the day till I pick the kids up from school and bring them home. The boys are on the bus with me during my routes and omg that is so crazy at times. we get home around 4-4:30 also. than its homework, snack and lunches made for the next day, backpacks ready, and of course dinner. Not even included bills, cleaning, laundry, dishes and everyday things. I am going nuts its allot to handle, my husband doesnt really help too much. Now that I have vented a little, my hubby is about to be a volunteer firefighter, and training to get his emt. He lives out of the district to be on call so after his full time job he needs to sleep at the station. I am being so sellfish about what he wants to do, I feel life is so crazy and hectic now that this isnt the right time for him to be doing this. I am tellling him if this is what he wants to do Im not going to stop him from it, but I also tell him how hard it is going to be for me exspecially. He obviously gets upset, I read your blog about volunteer firewives. I just want a real life input on my situation. What do you think about this. How can I deal with my stress and also be supportive, I dont want to loose him over my selfishness and fear about being a “single mom”. Thank you so much for your help

A: Well I think the second sentence summed up quite a bit. You don’t feel like either of you are supporting each other and I’d start there. You need to get the dialogue going about how you feel like you are doing more than your share and feeling buried. Stick to how things are making you feel and that you don’t want those feelings to become worse so you need to be able to talk to him about it. It is definitely going to be a lot and there are some little things that you can ask him to take over that will really help you out.

Set up family days and date nights on the calendar. Days that unless it’s a truly big emergency, nothing gets to interrupt that time. If you make time for your relationship and for the family it will be much easier to keep communicating as things arise.

As with many families that both parents work, everyone has to chip in with the chores on the weekends. Get lists going and also get those boys helping. They are plenty old enough to vacuum, dust, fold clothes, and pick up items around the house. Have it be your 7 year olds responsibility to empty and/or load the dishwasher. Create those habits and you’ll have much more help down the road. It is a little bit of work to begin with, but worth it.

For easier meal times let me shamelessly plug my Once a Week Cooking weekly meal plans site. Take a few hours on the weekend and create all the meals for the week. Then it’s just warming up and adding side dishes. No thinking necessary after a long day of work. Helped me tremendously when I was working and going to school full-time.

Categories : Fire Questions, Relationship

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Do You Post TMI?

Posted on August 14, 2011 by HotWife

Blogs are everywhere. I’ve had my first personal blog since the beginning of time lol Ok, I’ve only had it for 7 years. It will 7 years on Sept. 9th to be exact.

When I first started I had no worries about anyone I knew hitting my blog and reading my posts. It was started in 2004 as my way to vent. I’ve created niche blogs here and there that were built around the same concept. Me getting to vent out and post resources and tips. However, in the last 2 years that vent has been completely stifled anywhere. In fact on my personal blog I have gone back and set a lot of posts to private only so I know that no one’s feelings will get hurt if they put the puzzle pieces together.

Social media killed local anonymity in a blog. But, that traffic is kind of the point of putting your blog posts on your social media accounts. lmbo It’s the point of growing my social media account and the sites. So while it’s an annoyance that I’ve had to work so hard to change, I only have myself to blame and I’m glad it happened before this blog even started.

I’ve seen some others telling way too much information and I know I’ve posted about this before. But I hear complaints from some wives because they are getting complaints from their husbands. I have only one piece of advice in those cases. Stop. If you are telling too much information about their job and it bothers them, then stop. It’s their job on the line and they are the one called in to the office, so shut it. I can get more blunt than that, but I try really hard to keep this blog PC.

True it may depend on how they word it to you and I’ll give you that. They shouldn’t put you down if this is something they thought was ok to begin with and now their buddies are bugging them. But, don’t think you can post what they just came home and vented to you and have them be ok with it. If they vented to you and then find it later on the blog, you can be assured that they will stop talking to you about work. They will lose trust. It’s difficult enough to get many of them to open up about the hell they go through, so don’t post everything they tell you about their feelings for their co-workers and calls.

By posting things about their work without permission you are crossing a major line of trust. When they come home to talk about the day, the emotions are still high. Things may get said that didn’t truly happen the way they are first portrayed. They just need to vent and regroup. Either letting things roll off their backs or taking a look at it when they are a little calmer and seeing how things weren’t as bad as they first perceived. However, by blogging about those heated discussions you may just be adding a lot of fuel to the fire. Be prepared for the explosion when it blows up in your face.

Communicating with your spouse about your blog and social media accounts will help save a lot of heartache down the road. My husband has learned to tell me point blank not to talk about something on FB or here. It rarely happens and I am thankful that he tells me. I have plenty I can be talking about without upsetting any balance in my house. I have two teens that do that!

Some other posts that I have talked about the trend of telling too much information:
Fire Blogs
TMI

Or there’s a great read at a friends blog A Reminder to Fire Spouse/Partner Bloggers.

Categories : Everyday, Relationship

Comments (7)

Does FF Worry About Your Stress?

Posted on June 15, 2011 by HotWife

I’ve had a little email conversation with a firefighters girlfriend and she posed an interesting discussion. Since we run with mostly married folks or couples that have been together a while I didn’t even think of the guys worrying about how their SO (significant other) is able to handle the stress of their work. But it was brought to my attention that it could be a worry.

A little background, the two of them are in different states and I’m a geography idiot so I can’t tell you without running off to google how long that distance could be. I don’t know their towns anyway. lol

Question: I’ve been dating a firefighter captain and it’s a whole new world, things I need to get used to and understand. We want to make this permanent but he’s so afraid that I won’t be able to handle the stress. Talking with other girlfriends/wives is what I need to figure all this out. I hope you can help with this – thanks! T

Answer: Ok, so the above isn’t technically a question but it still is a call for asking advice. Since the beginning of the emails were about looking for support.

I’m wondering if he has grounds for thinking she can’t handle the stress. From a second email, I’m wondering if this question comes up because she does worry a lot. If things are bothering her a lot already and she hasn’t moved closer to his work yet I could see that his concern is it will get worse when she moves. Since there were quite a few unknowns and always will be, I’ll go with what I have.

I always suggest getting together with locals. We can chat all we want online but it’s never going to be the same as having a one-on-one girlfriend discussion and laughs. Getting together with some other couples will help with the mindset that you aren’t doing this all alone. It’s probably rough because if you don’t live close to each other then you want to spend time alone when a date night actually happens. But believe me, you’ll be happier after spending some time with others in the department that he wants to introduce you to. Even if it’s just a lunch get-together and then you can have the evening free for your own date.

Think of what is worrying you the most? If I was living a distance away I think my worry would end up being if something happens, would I be notified and how quickly can I get there. Look at your list of fears and it may help you have a better discussion with him about it.

If things are worrying you then it’s good to discuss it all, but also look at if this is the only topic of discussion when you are together. If that’s the case then you can imagine why he’s worried you can’t take the stress.

It can’t take over your every thought. They have enough horribleness to deal with every day. If they have to constantly ease your fears it just adds more work to that. I feel we are here to remind them that life is normal and bring that normal to fruition. Of course, everyone’s normal is different

Was your guy worried about how you would handle the stress of being a firefighter wife?

Categories : Fire Questions, Relationship

Comments (11)

Scheduling Disagreements

Posted on June 6, 2011 by HotWife

I’m a little behind on questions that have been sent to me. Forgive me ladies if you have sent them in, I know they were important enough for you to send them to me.

This question is definitely one we all battle with. The last minute calls that take them away and how to deal with feeling second.

Question: Thanks for this website, it has great insight! My boyfriend is a firefighter and I truly love him and support him in any way, we have been together for 1.5 years. I admitt that I have blown up in two occassions when we are supposed to see each other and he gets called in to work and we aren’t able to meet. I have apologized and let him know that I do support him, this last time I aplogized right away and the relationship does not seem the same. I don’t want to overwhelm him and have given him some space. We have talked about getting married, I went on a two week trip and we said that when I got back we would speed things up and begin the planning. Of course I would love to spend the rest of my life with him, I want to let him know that I support him and the disagreements we have had about his schedule are somewhat “normal” (from what I read) and its not something that will detotoriate our relationship. Any input?

Thanks, D

Answer: As always, I’m going to start this off by saying how key communication is. If you have felt a shift since that last blowup then it would be a good idea to ask him about it.

On those days that it really bothers you that he can’t make it to see you, look at how your day went. It’s a safe bet that you were having a rough day and felt the need to see him to make it better. Instead this was the straw that broke the camels back on your emotions at the end of the day. That can be completely normal.

I am unsure how often this happens to you because all the departments are so different in how calls come in. Also it wasn’t said if he’s on a paid department or volunteer and that can make a big difference in your feelings as well.

I know when my husband was a volunteer we did set different times that he couldn’t go on calls. It wasn’t often but it was necessary. A date here and there during the year and a couple of hours on the kids birthdays. There would be times he’d get a call during a birthday party or family event and we it was just fine that he would run off. But for at least a couple of hours on the kids bdays it was a priority for him to be here. Same with date nights. If it came down to my having to set some law down then it meant we REALLY needed time and I just explained it to him that way.

Career now is a different story because we don’t have staff that are “on call” ever. It would have to be something catastrophic for him to HAVE to go in. General alarms go out and if he’s available he’ll go. We’ve only been mandatoried a couple of times and while annoying it didn’t happen on a day that couldn’t be worked around. If OT goes out he’s pretty good about asking if we have anything major going on before taking it. Again, not usually anything that can’t be moved around and I can always have a typical date on the next night. If there are tickets to somewhere then he would have already turned it down.

While it is normal to have some disagreements about it I’d definitely look to yourself and see why it is bothering you so much that it’s causing major arguments. If it’s something that is going to happen often in his department then you’ll need some fall-backs for times that plans change. If a date gets dropped then consider it bubble bath night. Set up some kind of treat that you normally wouldn’t do as it’s replacement. That may help with the disappointment.

How do you other wives cope with a disappointing cancellation because of work?

Categories : Fire Questions, Relationship

Comments (14)

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