I’m sure by now most of the country has heard about the assassinations of 4 veteran police officers that happened yesterday morning. It was a horribly long day. Waiting and waiting to hear the names. Waiting as someone that I have known for over 20 years is married to a Lakewood cop. Breathing that guilty sigh of relief when the names are no one we know.

But my friend does know them. In fact she was at training with one of the officers just 2 weeks ago. She knew his wife from work. She called me last night which doesn’t usually happen, we text quite a bit and FB a ton. But she was just overloaded you could tell. So many cops in our area ran to the scene to volunteer their time and manpower. Then there were others that volunteered their time to the city of Lakewood to cover shifts so the other officers could take care of themselves and be with family. There were many wives begging their husbands not to go. One wife is even a fellow officer. So many wives were calling my friend to get some reassurance that their guys were going to make it home ok while this manhunt is still on for the killer.

This happening just 29 days after the last assassination of the officer in Seattle. But the story behind the suspect and how our justice system has failed is disgusting. I’m building a new site because of this. My cop friends are helping me. Education is the key to the site.

4 families lost a loved one yesterday. 9 young children lost a parent yesterday. 1 department lost 10% of their brothers/sisters yesterday. 1 county lost 4 very active officers that were on other teams yesterday. 1 state is in mourning for how this could possibly have happened yesterday.

I wish for peace of mind for everyone involved as they deal with their grief. I know I will be doing my part to help those in my life that are trying to deal with this grief. I know the anger flowing through some of them is so intense, I can feel the pain through the phone.

As you probably saw in a previous post, our adjoining little fire department lost a firefighter. As I put in that post I said that I figured my hubby would know her and he did. She actually helped out with his EMT class ages ago when he first started as a volunteer. Our two little departments did a lot of work together back in those days.

Last night I was on my way home from the gym. I’d had a very rare late appointment that actually showed up. If I’d only left at 7 like normal I would have been ok. As I was coming to the edge of town I saw what looked like a car accident up ahead (it’s a major highway, so it’s normal) so started slowing down waiting for it. But then as I was getting closer I realized that there were cop cars well up ahead and no one was stopping by the first area of lights. Then as I got closer I saw it was one of our engines (were district over) and the guys were out of the rig and the towns cops were also out of their cars and standing in line by the road.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

How could I possibly have ended up going home as they were doing the procession to bring her body home. I had to pull to the side even though they weren’t to me yet. I was shaking and wanted to throw up. Actually, I still feel that way today.

I had really thought about going to the funeral out of appreciation and a show of support for my buddy. But I don’t think I can. I think I’d make it worse as he saw me completely break down. I just am not strong enough to do it. It brings back so many memories of the Chief’s funeral. It brings back the indescribable pain of riding in that procession through so many towns and sitting all alone with that pain and grief on the bus.

I’m hoping one day this will get easier. It’s been 15 months and it smacked me as hard as it did back then. It’s possible it won’t get better and I suppose that’s ok. Some of us just show our emotions more than others I guess and unfortunately this is one thing I can’t hold my emotions back about. I’m quit steady otherwise in hiding things and taking care of others. But not with this at all.

I even stopped at the little store and grabbed the 6 pack hubby had asked me to on the way home. Yep, with tears well up in my eyes, sniffling and shaking. I’m not ashamed. Of course, they wanted to know what the procession was about and that was hard to keep it together and explain. But you know what, it’s good that others see the pain losing one of our own causes. The fact that these are real people, living normal lives, that just happen to give everything they’ve got to help.

Tomorrow is the procession for the Seattle Officer that was gunned down last week. Maybe I can get hubby to take me out for lunch so I won’t be home to watch it on tv.

Here’s the deal, I am deeply ingrained in the cops. I mean deeply, damn it I have some that are like brothers and I have a couple like sisters. I’m in the service industry completely. So, while I am a firefighter wife I hurt right now for the fallen officers family.

It has been 15 years since the last death of SPD. I remember the last death, I was pregnant at that time. The wife has come out with official statements and set out to help the family with their grief. That is one hell of a woman. I applaud her and wish her support. To go through this with a family is a high undertaking and to even suggest that she would help is so much. I can’t understand how it would affect her again as they are both senseless deaths.

But the update on the fallen Seattle officer? It was an assassination It was planned out. I can’t help but look at the gang initiation rights it probably brought as I understand that the gang activity is up again. There are places I understand I will not be able to go for a couple of years now because of gang activity. I have a mouth and hubby can’t get me out of my mouth if they have a gun, doesn’t matter how big he is. lmao K, not funny really, but it’s true and I understand that I can not go there for a while and it sucks!

But the other officer in the car was a 6 month rookie and from all accounts she rocked it. I’m impressed and so happy. I only know one other female officer and my girl ROCKS my world so I was happy to hear another incredible account in the field. I’m also happy to hear that she is doing ok. I’m not sure if she really is as we strong women are very good at hiding it, but so far so good.

I have another post planned because I’m ticked off about his memorial. But for now I want to send the most well wishes to his family. Much deep love and the hurt from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could give her a hug and take away some pain. I hope that she has someone with her that is doing just that.

It’s with a heavy heart that I post this super early am. I had another post planned but I will hit that later in the day.

My husband was a volunteer for 8 years before getting hired on. He had the privilege of working pretty closely in the early years with the town next to us that is all volunteer except for their Chief. The Chief is awesome, I mean he’s super awesome. His department rocks, performs incredibly and is very professional. Chief even went to my husbands academy graduation with another good friend, they were truly integral in helping him become the FF he is today. No we didn’t lose the Chief, OMG I would not be able to post about that so quickly.

But I’m just setting up the story that these guys are tight group and on Friday they lost someone to a car accident in Cali of all things. A car accident? REALLY? I didn’t know her, but by the texting that went back and forth with my buddy I’m pretty sure she’d been there a while. I only got a last name and hubby hadn’t worked with them for a while, but I have a feeling he will know her as well when we find out more info. Does this mean I have to go to another FF funeral? arghhh, tears already thinking of it. I will, I totally will. I need to go if only because my good friend needs someone there with him to be more of a support system as he goes through this. I was so worried about him last night, but he was with a friend watching a movie so I was very happy to hear that. He’s a total brother to me.

But then on facebook he posts that a Seattle Police Officer has been killed. I’m hoping it’s not someone he knows, but he’s in the general area and has been for 20 years as a deputy so it could very well be two in two days. If not then my other buddy in same field may know him. Either way it doesn’t matter as you know how it hits you in the heart when it is someone doing their job that goes down.

All my heart goes out to both departments and surrounding departments in this time of grief. I know next week will be one with a very heavy heart as I help some brothers if needed. Have whiskey, will travel.

It’s 4am here on the west coast and just about the moment the US stood still. To be exact it was 5:36am here PST that the first hit happened. For some reason I stayed up and turned the news on after hubby went to work and I saw the second plane hit. I saw every single millisecond of it. I was in complete disbelief. Yes, total denial. That is how I deal with things. I work internally and then outward.

The odd thing is my kids were very young and I’m not a morning person. I always go back to bed, or if I stay up I read or get online. But on that day I turned on the morning news. WEIRD! Also, sad. Why did I have to turn it to the news that day and watch it happen? There are many days I wish I hadn’t, maybe I could disconnect more from it way over here on the west coast if I hadn’t watched it live.

Hubby was a volunteer at that time and working construction. He didn’t see it live and him being male I’m not sure it would hit him the same anyway. But him now being paid fire I feel today more than ever. If my husband was NYFD I would have lost him. There would have been nothing to keep him away from helping. That’s just how some of them role.

I know it’s been 8 years, but that has nothing to do with that chaplain rolling up to your door. 8 years is nothing compared to the lifetime you will have without them. I wish to commemorate my sisters today for what they gave up 8 years ago and for backing their men up prior to their passing. I sincerely hope that some peace has been found in the time that has passed.

I will always be thankful and think of those that gave their lives to get so many out of the towers and pentagon on this day.

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The fires in LA are crazy right now and so close to town it’s amazing. Not in a good way of course, but it is just amazing how huge they are. The noon news up here in Seattle showed the satellite pics from space and it’s huge. Awe inspiring, huge. I honestly don’t think I can remember seeing them this bad and I know the fires have been bad before. It’s possible I’m just hyper-aware of the fires because of our Chief’s death last year.

But most disturbing was the quick blurb about two firefighters that have passed away in the fire recently in a crash trying to get out of danger. I have a hard time hearing of any death in the fire service of course, but my heart weeps greatly to hear that one of them was weeks from becoming a Daddy.

I am sending this poor woman all my strength as she fights hard to overcome the worst days she could ever experience and the happiest as well. I can’t imagine her grief and if possible I would gladly be down there to try and help her in any way. I hope that she is tight with some other wives and the department so they are surrounding her with love as our department would.

I’m so afraid to go on to my Fire Wives forum. This started out as almost all Cal Fire and then some of us started infiltrating. lol But I’m afraid to get on there and hear it may be someone’s loved one as I know there are preggers on there and many, many hubbies on the cal fires. UGH, I hate this part. I hate it bad. I’m glad I had hubby’s good experience to post about yesterday.

Rest in Peace my brothers.

My heart and my families condolences go out to the Buffalo Fire Department today.  You have suffered a tremendous and horrifying loss. Know that you are not alone in your grief of two good men.

CNN story

I will completely warn you now, this will be a long post. Today commemorates one of my worst days ever. Not the worst, the funeral was the worst, but it’s right up there in the top 5.

Today was the day the pager went off for a general, important meeting. A meeting on 8am on a Sunday morning. There is only one thing that can’t wait until Monday morning and OMG who is it?

I can remember it vividly because I’ll be honest in this post. The night before we had an awesome house-warming party. I met a few more wives and it was so much fun. I was high on Diet Pepsi and not drinking for once. I was running people around on errands. Alcohol runs, food runs and we even ran to my friend’s Mom’s house to pick their kid up that night. lol I was on my diet pepsi roll and freaking everyone out because they still didn’t know me well enough to know that I wasn’t stockpiling blackmail. Goodness really? Believe me, I’ve left a lot around to blackmail me, I don’t do that.

So this leads me to the fact that in the morning I was feeling awesome and hubby was not. He had a huge hangover and I barely got him to check the page. He wasn’t with it so he didn’t really say anything about it, yes I may not be hungover, but I still really like to sleep. lol I didn’t ask, figured it was OT being called. Then the phone rang and of course I’m now listening. It’s one of our best friends and his wife is HR. They don’t have info, but he suggests that hubby gets in the shower and goes to the meeting.

While hubby is in the shower, his phone rings again and it’s his other best buddy. I talk to him a little bit to pass on messages. I understand that something major has happened and I’m so thankful, yes thankful and i will not regret it EVER, that we’ve now talked to our two boys and it wasn’t them. I will never apologize for that, you definitely start circling up and pulling in your loved one’s.

The kids weren’t even up when he got back from the meeting. We live in district and I don’t think he was gone 20 minutes. My hubby is not a crier. He’s the calm, cool, and collected, mellow guy. He couldn’t stop crying. I was worried how he even got home. OMG I didn’t want to ask. I really didn’t. I had so many people running through me head. I just knew it was someone from the party that I had let drive home. I totally knew it. I double checked everyone before they left, but I was so worried. I really didn’t want to ask, but he made me ask as I held him. You don’t hold up 6′3″ 265 very well when you are 5′7″. lol

He said it was Chief and again I won’t apologize for the instance of relief I had for it not being someone I am close to. I just won’t, I’m human and so are you. I was not close with the chief because we are still a little new, but it wasn’t my boys I’m with every week. I had that short spat of relief before it weighed in on me. OMG, our Chief is dead. Our chief that personally hired my husband just a little over a year ago. Our Chief that is involved in everything our department does and really knows what is going on. Our Chief that everyone loves and not a single soul ever has a bad thing to say about is dead. This man who has built an empire of a fire department is gone. It was huge, seriously, seriously huge.

Hubby has never dealt with death. His last close relative passed when he was 19 and he didn’t do well with it. I worry about our parents passing because he just has no concept of how to deal with the emotions. So I worried, I had no idea what to expect. I let him go back to bed to sleep. Our daughter was away camping with some friends for a week thankfully. I..was supposed to go to a beloved Great-Aunt’s memorial which is another story altogether. So I called my parents and they understand that I couldn’t explain what had happened yet (we were in media lockdown) but that I did need them to take the youngest. They totally understood that I just couldn’t go, that it was that bad. I also couldn’t tell my Dad as I didn’t want him going to one memorial and grieving a brand new death. It was one of the rare times later I’ve had my Mom thank me. She appreciated the fact that I didn’t tell my Dad. (fyi, my dad took it so hard he couldn’t even go to the funeral. Again, another story there)

So I dropped off the youngest and I hit the grocery store. I had no idea how hubby would take this. I bought and bought. I was ready to feed a family. In my family, we get together as many as possible. We get together and we hug. So I was prepared for that. I cooked like I’ve never cooked before. roflmao I joked about the Italian I didn’t know I had in me. lol I made so much food and I left it open to have everyone over. I asked if he wanted me to invite them over? Do you want me to call? No, he just wanted to hang out. We watched movies, we watched tv shows, we ate, we drank, we just WERE.

I had the internet up cause it always is. I’m an addict. lol But he had moved over and was laying on my lap so the laptop was on the coffee table. We knew they were only going to be able to keep the media off of it for so long and they had hit way over a usual mark. I’ll say kudo’s for the media for letting that happen, thank you. It is huge to have a Chief die on the job so to let us all deal a little before breaking in with the news was very human of you.

I remember him breaking down again as the text went out that they had returned the body to camp. This was well over 24 hours from the time he passed. This is how bad the story is. I will never post the story of his recovery and their rescue attempt as they did not follow procedure I’m sure. Hubby barely made it through telling me about it later when they found out. The jumpers went in to try and recover him immediately and I am so thankful that none of their lives were taken as he was most certainly gone at that point already. Smoke jumpers are true heroes and adrenaline junkies from hell. lol That’s a good thing

I digress! Told you this would be long. I had no room to deal with any emotions on what was happening. Except for the relief that it wasn’t one of my boys. I had only met the Chief a few times, he was an awesome man and really cared about everyone and LOVED his job. But I had no personal connection with him so I was able to back off a little bit and help hubby. Plus, it’s what I do. If you are hurting, then I shut my emotions off and I help you deal.

More to come and I recount the 2 weeks of absolute hell before the funeral happened. Our personal/relationship hell did not end after the funeral, it was well after that, but the funeral was horrible for me, truly, truly the worst day of my life, but yet again, the brotherhood that surrounded me after was so amazing it’s hard to focus on all that horrible. I’ll post happy tomorrow, I PROMISE!

It’s hard to believe that today marks a year since our Chief passed away. It’s been a year of many changes. Last August and September I honestly wouldn’t have thought I would be posting this as a fire wife. I was honestly getting worried I’d be an ex.

Dealing with this loss was tremendously hard on our relationship. It was so hard on hubby. Chief wasn’t all that much older than us and his girls are only teens and early 20’s. He and his wife had been together for a long time and were best friends as well. There were times I worried hubby would not stay in the fire service. He just never wanted to put us through what they were going through.

But I’m happy to report that after this horrendous and at times wonderful year, we have come out the other side stronger than ever. Our communication skills have increased 10 fold and I am now not afraid to tell him when things worry me. It helps him as much as it does me. My worry reminds him how much I love him, so he does need to know. I’m not the type to generally let people know because I’m the strong one in my family and always have been. I’m the one that is here for you and can take anything. But it broke that wall in our relationship that I had been building back up in order to deal with him doing the job he does.

It also made me seek outside help. This blog for example. I started this blog to help me work through the grief and to also try to stay sane on the nights and days alone. I also found the incredible Fire Wives forum to talk to other wives around the world. Both of these outlets have helped me tremendously.

There is a memorial today and they will commemorate a beautiful pond in his memory. I left it up to hubby whether he felt we should go. Thankfully he said no, he didn’t need to go. I don’t think we do either. Our consensus when he talked it out was that we have mourned enough. We have worked very hard to move past the sadness and we have. Neither of us wants to bring those tears back in again or that horrendous ache. Chicken way out? Possibly, but there were some that couldn’t go to all the things we did back a year ago. Everyone deals with death differently.

Ironically we have a big family BBQ today at my mother-in-laws. Our adult niece and nephew are supposed to be there. I’m excited to see loved one’s I rarely see anymore. I find it a very fitting way to pass this marker in our lives. Surrounded by loved one’s laughing and eating the day away!

It’s time to put some posts up for the exact reason why this blog came to be.  Dealing with the grief I couldn’t handle 9 months ago.

I know I’ve hinted at it and if you follow my Busy Momma blog then you have heard some of it, but no one else can understand except those that are in Fire.

9 months ago yesterday we lost our Chief to a wildland fire. The amazing thing is, it was a Sat that he passed and that sunday the 27th that we all were informed. I remember it being July 26th because remarkably that was my daughters due date 13 years prior. lol Not a date a Mom forgets, but now I’d like to let that date slip past unknowingly. Of course, it never will.

So as I walk around today on Sunday the 27th, and thankfully hubby is home, I will kiss and hug him extra. 9 months ago today he was so emotionally damaged I didn’t think he’d be able to continue. We were so broken on that sunday morning that I literally had nothing to do or say. We moved in a fog for what seemed like an eternity.

We came out the other side in a much stronger relationship, but neither of us will ever be the same for going through the experience. When an all call/general meeting goes out on a Sunday morning you know that nothing good is going to be said. You just start calling everyone to make sure that your closest loved one’s are not the reason for the pager going off and the important meeting. Oh how I hope and pray never to have to go through another time like that again. More will be coming, but I can only handle little bits as I do not want to bring this blog down horribly with it.