It’s Q & A time again. I received an email from a woman that has become almost terrified since the engagement. I know we can come up with a lot of tips to help her out so let’s start brainstorming!
Q: hi 
so i just got engaged to my firefighter just over a month ago and i am almost terrified of the rest of my life, i know that sounds awful but thats how im feeling. we’ve been together for over 3 years and have lived together for about 1 year so i understand all the hardships. although i absolutly adore and love my firefighter and couldnt dream of a world where i wasnt with him and i no doubt want to spend the rest of my life with him, it just scares the hell out of me to think about having ownership to these stresses, plus future kids, for the rest of my life. i would never ever ever ever ever EVER ask him to quit but these fears stress me out soooo much, and i feel like im starting arguments for no reason and they keep clouding my mind to where its all i think about and i find myself doubting my strength and ability to do this. please, if you have any advice for me, i would be so thankful
A: Being scared is normal. No one wants to think of their loved one’s passing. However, by simply loving a person we are at risk of a devastating loss. Dangerous job or not, we are surrounded by situations that can take our loved one’s from us at any time.
Before the engagement were you dealing ok with his job? If so, then you must really sit down and look at why things flipped so much for you. Some things to ask yourself:
- What am I most worried about?
- Have I told him my fears?
- Do you resent his job? Are you a part of that side of his life?
From your email it sounds like even when you are with him this is consuming you. I know over the many, many years we’ve been together I have picked fights. It’s a coping mechanism. Kind of like making him prove he loves you. It’s not a healthy choice by any means, but you have to be aware when you are doing it to be able to change it. When you find yourself picking a fight, try to stop and figure out what is truly bothering you.
As with any relationship, it’s all about communication. You have to let him know your fears so you can move past them. Choose your words carefully so as not to sound like you are on the offense. Talk about how whether your feelings are founded or not, you are worried. Maybe tell him you want to work past them and are looking for help to do so. Maybe going to the station and getting a tour would help ease some of your fears. Let him explain what tools they use for different situations.
I know when hubby got on the tech rescue team I went through some worry. I mean the job is dangerous enough, but now you are going to put yourself on another adrenaline team? lol For me, talking about all his training and how they do things really helps. Sure, I “know” that they are safe, but by getting some of the steps I have a better picture. When a call goes out and that worry sets in, the actual steps will be in my head instead of my imagination.
Everyone is different in how they deal with things so I hope that you take these as suggestions and know that I am in no way “qualified” to give therapy or advice. I can only pass on things that I’ve used over the years and noticed through looking at my own relationship.
Getting married is a huge step and commitment. Have you looked at the possibility it isn’t even his job that is stressing you out? It could be typical worries of commitment and building your lives together.
Some posts I’ve written with helpful tips:
Getting the Wives Together
A Girlfriends Worry
Some Other Wives Online
Do you have tips for women marrying into the fire life?
when my husband first started working for his fire dept. i cried myself to sleep every shift!(he started one month after we had our first baby girl!) however i found it helpful to spend a little time with him wile he was at work. i would take them some dessert and hang out for an hour or so talking and laughing and just getting to know everyone! also not a shift goes by that he does not call me to tell me goodnight! when he first started we made an agreement that he would tell me about everything even if i wouldn’t like it and he does! ive gotten used to i guess you could say but i do still worry about it! that part never goes away but you get to where you can handle it it becomes easier! if fire fighting is what he loves like my husband then you have to support him with it! i know that sounds a little harsh but!?
Thank you for adding your advice Nanette.
My husband has been a firefighter for over 20 years and we have been together for 10 1/2 years it really does get easier some times can be hard and even a little scary at times, but to stand by the side of a man who is so commited to this job is something special. Not everyone can be a Firefighter not everyone would risk their life to save someone else’s life. So to be a Wife ,Husband or Engaged to a firefighter or even a girfriend,or boyfriend takes a special person to suport those awsome Men and Women. Our firefighter…
So agree with Nennette go down to the station for an hour here or there and get to know the crew or have a BBQ and invite the crew over it might help you feel better about the job. I know you can hang in there and you guys will make it to your big day just talk to him about how your feeling get to know the other wifes talk to them they can help you get threw it to.
Take care.
Thanks Kimmy
One thing that I still tell myself after 8 yrs of marrige is that anything could happen any time any day..but our men are heroes..they have a calling to save lives..and I truely think thats its our calling as wives/girlfriends/supporters to keep them grounded and happy so they can concentrate on their jobs when they are needed by others..and I completely agree about being a part of the station and getting to know the guys and their wives..if you can..be a family..you all need each other and all have the some worries.. You love him it will all work its self out im sure
Thank you for adding your comment Jessica. Of course, I agree whole-heartily with your suggestions. I know know where my sanity would be without us being a big part of the firefamily.
When we were engaged, my husband had a roof fall on his head in a fire. And of course, I was completely freaking out…and stuck at work so I couldn’t leave for a few hours. I got the best advice from one of my employees that I’d ever heard. (His dad was a State Trooper.) He “suggested” that I decide before the wedding if I could handle being the wife of a firefighter or not. If the answer was no, then I needed to break things off.
I’m not sharing this to sound harsh or anything. It sounds like she needs to chat with lots of firefighters and their spouses to find out what life will be like, and try to find a way to make it through the hard parts. She needs to be as comfortable with her fiancees job as she can, because if they eventually have kids, sooner or later she will need to be able to address their fears and concerns. Not always an easy thing when they hear things on the news.
But talking about it with other people-especially her fiancee- is the best thing to do.
So that’s what’s wrong with Flood. It’s not that he’s blonde, he got bonked on the head
lmbo
Thanks for adding your insight Kristi.
Twitter: theefirewife
says:
I married a real estate agent who then morphed into a firefighter over time, so I was already stuck when I had to face it
But I knew that I had married a man who loved danger, regardless, and there was no going back.
I think the suggestions for getting involved in the training they do, knowing all of the safety precautions they take, and things like that are really helpful. Mostly, for me, ignorance is bliss. I don’t listen to the radios/scanners, I don’t watch/surf the news for every fire story, and I NEVER NEVER NEVER watch Ladder 49.
I make sure that my FF knows he is loved and supported, and then I ignore a lot about his life while he’s on shift, so I just don’t think about it. It might not be healthy, but it keeps my blood pressure at a reasonable level. I also know that God’s got him, wherever/whatever, and my worry won’t help one little bit.
Good luck, engaged one. You can always email to chat about it! Others who understand help a lot too.
I think all of our coping mechanisms are healthy as long as we acknowledge that is what they are. Thank you for commenting Mariah.
I also just got engaged to a firefighter about a month ago
after dating for over a year. i really did not think i would worry more then i already do but i am. i love him sooo much and support him being a firefighter. tonight is the start of a 6 day shift 
and i feel gulty for feeling alone because who knows what kind of call he will be on next and what he has to face. you have to be a very strong person to marry a FF. and be able to fix little things around the house when they are at the station lol the book The Firemans wife is soooo good! i love to read it when he is at the station. it helps remind me that im not alone. its really neat to see how we all suopprt ech other. going to the staion for a hour once in awhile really does help get me threw some of the longer shifts. just bring food for the guys and they wont mind seeing you stop in lol
Yikes 6 days in a row? They aren’t 24 hour shifts are they? Cause that is horrible. How can any person have a family or social life working schedules like that?
You are definitely doing good by looking around & pulling in support Anna. Thanks for stopping by and adding your insight. Especially since you are in the same position she is.
It is 6 days in a row 24 hour shits
it does not happen a lot only when he gets overtime his normal shifts are 2 days on and 2 off. 6 days is wayyyy too long and by the end of it i will be so ready for my firefighter to come home safe to me.
aw yes the loved/hated OT. Glad you can stop by the station a little bit. That is quit a long span.
Twitter: AlmostMrsL
says:
I grew up with my father being a volunteer firefighter, and as much as I hate to bring it up, I think 9/11 was what really made me think about how dangerous it really is. When my fiance (who is a volunteer firefighter) and I started dating, I really had to think about if this is what I wanted. I had a VERY hard time (and still do sometimes) with not seeing him as often as I’d like and dealing with how dangerous it is. One time he told me he was on a roof venting during a thunderstorm! I had to fuss at the battalion chief (an old family friend) for that! I highly recommend like the others said, go hang out at the firehouse some. They won’t mind, especially if you bring food! I must say though, I think firefighter/police/etc spouses are very under appreciated for how strong they are!
Welcome Amanda. Glad you found my blog since it looks like you’ve got some good insight coming from growing up a firefighter’s daughter and now to engaged. Thanks for your comments.
Actually this kind of profession makes some wives-to-be scared. I’m an military man’s wife and that’s how I feel everytime my husband is deployed.
Do you have any tips that have helped you Glennda? No matter how small?
I am married to a full time firefighter who also is a volunteer firefighter on his days off. oh, he’s also in the army national guard. we dated two years then were engaged for three years and will be married for one year in August. I’ve live through five years of firefighting and one deployment. I have learned to be my man’s rock, his safe place. So he says. After all the things he sees and deals with, he knows he can come home and he’s safe and loved and all the bad stuff can’t touch him.
My advice to anyone who is engaged to a FF or military man or woman, be their safe place, their rock. My thing is when he comes home from keeping everyone else safe I keep him safe.
What also made it easier is I let him teach me about stuff he’s learned. That lets me have faith in all his training so I know he knows what he’s doing.
Be proud of your FF. It just means he’s a special brave person who has a huge heart! Just take one day at a time. I think everything will work out great for you!
Thanks for adding your insight Deirdre!