I’ve texted and said “it’s ok” so many times today I guess I hoped I’d believe it. Hubby couldn’t get today off. It was full before he even got a chance to pick. Weird, it’s not spring break and the funny thing is he actually got all of our spring break off. There’s nothing that special to most people about the day after tax day.

It’s our 16th anniversary and I spent it with the kids. Not only with the kids, but with constantly bickering kids that I was too worn out emotionally to make go to bed at a decent time. Or did I just not want to be alone? I don’t know, I just know I’m emotionally beat now and it’s well past my bedtime.

I was busy enough all day that it really wasn’t too bad. He used to work during the day for most of our anniversaries so that’s no different. I had to get all the furniture out of the house because of course, our new stuff was getting delivered. Super exciting and I’m blogging from the new couch right now. lol This was after working a bit this morning. Then take kids to grocery store cause I didn’t want to think about dinner. At store I didn’t even get something for myself, nothing sounded good. Very easy to not think with how much there was to do.

It must have been after 5 by that point because that’s when it was starting to hit. No matter how much I pretend or try to push it aside it just sucks to be spending our anniversary alone. I know there is nothing that could be done about it without him calling in sick or coming home sick. He’d thought about it as he didn’t want to spend our anniversary apart either. But both of us are horrible liars so I’m glad he didn’t do it.

I’m just not up to putting up a brave front and I’ll let him know it sucked. I’m sure he wants to hear it and it won’t make him feel guilty. Some things we just don’t have control over and this probably won’t be the last time it happens. But letting him know I hated it makes me less indifferent. If I pretend it’s all ok then what if he really hated it and I’m coming across as it’s no big deal? Sure wouldn’t make him feel good about our relationship or himself if I don’t tell him my true feelings about it.

I set this to post in the morning as I don’t like to blog saying he’s not home. This hits my twitter account upon posting. The loneliness doesn’t usually hit me so hard that I notice. I do realize it’s there even though I do ignore it. (whole other post should go with that) But right now I’m feeling that loneliness of being a firefighter’s wife that is talked about so much. I’m smack dab in the middle of it.

Tonight there is no way I can sleep without taking the ambien. I want to have breakfast made when he gets home so I do have to get up in the morning and really should be in bed already. Ugh, it’s so tempting to sleep on the couch tonight. Feeling like a big baby tonight and I don’t care.