As you probably saw in a previous post, our adjoining little fire department lost a firefighter. As I put in that post I said that I figured my hubby would know her and he did. She actually helped out with his EMT class ages ago when he first started as a volunteer. Our two little departments did a lot of work together back in those days.

Last night I was on my way home from the gym. I’d had a very rare late appointment that actually showed up. If I’d only left at 7 like normal I would have been ok. As I was coming to the edge of town I saw what looked like a car accident up ahead (it’s a major highway, so it’s normal) so started slowing down waiting for it. But then as I was getting closer I realized that there were cop cars well up ahead and no one was stopping by the first area of lights. Then as I got closer I saw it was one of our engines (were district over) and the guys were out of the rig and the towns cops were also out of their cars and standing in line by the road.

NO, NO, NO, NO!

How could I possibly have ended up going home as they were doing the procession to bring her body home. I had to pull to the side even though they weren’t to me yet. I was shaking and wanted to throw up. Actually, I still feel that way today.

I had really thought about going to the funeral out of appreciation and a show of support for my buddy. But I don’t think I can. I think I’d make it worse as he saw me completely break down. I just am not strong enough to do it. It brings back so many memories of the Chief’s funeral. It brings back the indescribable pain of riding in that procession through so many towns and sitting all alone with that pain and grief on the bus.

I’m hoping one day this will get easier. It’s been 15 months and it smacked me as hard as it did back then. It’s possible it won’t get better and I suppose that’s ok. Some of us just show our emotions more than others I guess and unfortunately this is one thing I can’t hold my emotions back about. I’m quit steady otherwise in hiding things and taking care of others. But not with this at all.

I even stopped at the little store and grabbed the 6 pack hubby had asked me to on the way home. Yep, with tears well up in my eyes, sniffling and shaking. I’m not ashamed. Of course, they wanted to know what the procession was about and that was hard to keep it together and explain. But you know what, it’s good that others see the pain losing one of our own causes. The fact that these are real people, living normal lives, that just happen to give everything they’ve got to help.

Tomorrow is the procession for the Seattle Officer that was gunned down last week. Maybe I can get hubby to take me out for lunch so I won’t be home to watch it on tv.