First Practical Advice: Don’t Be Afraid to See a Marriage Counselor
We did see a counselor in a particularly rough season with mixed results
- There were times that he totally refused to see a counselor and I went by myself.
- There were times we left the counselor office with him even more ticked off from the game of “let’s share our feelings from a safe comfy couch with a referee in the room”.
- And there are moments I’m sure he’ll admit he definitely learned from the session.
So, here it is. Our best practical advice. May it help 10,000 marriages.
1. Learn to fight fair
2. The Policy of Radical Honesty
3. Never do anything without Enthusiastic Agreement from your spouse
- “Honey, I’m going hunting on Saturday with the guys.”
- If her reply is an eye-roll, hands on hips, “But its my mother’s birthday party”. You better reconsider and do some more communicating on that topic.
- If her reply is “Yes, I really wanted you to spend time with us at my Mom’s birthday party but you have been working so hard and need some time away. I really want you to have this time with your friends.” Now you have the green light 😉
- Via phone call at the fire house “I just bought the cutest dress. It was on sale for only $45”
- If his reply is silence. Uh Oh. Not enthusiastic. Was there some agreement about spending you broke?
- If his reply is “That’s great. You deserve it. And it’s a good use of your extra spending money this month”, plan a dinner date and knock his socks off.
4. Understanding the Love Bank
- Make him some food. Offer to clear his plate from the table.
- Ask him what he prefers to watch on TV
- Offer a back massage.
- Tell a funny joke. Find something to laugh about.
- Write a short text message just saying you still love him.
But What If He’s Not Wanting to Work On Your Marriage?
I know. I’ve been there. Read the last post and see where I got the silent treatment. Sometimes for a week at a time.
Be strong ladies. Someone has to soften their heart. Someone has to refill the Love Bank. Someone has to break the ice. Even if it feels like you are the only one to ever soften and step up and lead with love. I don’t mean to be an enabler, making him feel like its ok to treat you bad, speak ugly words to you, lie, etc. I mean to soften your heart and love him for who he is and where he is right now. I don’t know about you but I’ve certainly been in phases in my life where I wasn’t so easy to love. Thank the good Lord my husband had the patience to still love me through it.
Skip to this Point for the Short Version
Yes, it took all those practical steps (and 10 years and counting) to get to where we are today. But there was one key at the beginning of it all that made it clear and simple.
When we got married, we both made the decision that it’s forever. No matter what. Neither of us planned to be twice divorced and juggling shared parenting.
But just us deciding individually for it to be forever, was not enough. Because we are fallen, broken, sinful, easily tempted humans. It took both us first accepting Christ as the center of our lives. Yes, we were both already Christians. But to withstand all the pressures of the world, we had to hold even tighter to what the Bible taught us and to prayer and faith. Without Christ-like love as the guidepost, I do not believe we would have been strong enough as individuals to hold it together in our marriage.
Decide on forever. Follow Christ. That’s the simple answer.
My parents were visiting this weekend and I had not mentioned much to them about my blogs here. But my whole giant family is on facebook so I’m certain they all read it. So my mom says to me in disbelief, “I didn’t know you two were having so many problems.” We’re all pretty good fakers aren’t we?
Family can complicate things. They know you better than anyone but because of that can be blinded and give really bad advice….or just push those buttons that only family knows how to push and make it 1000 times more emotional than it needs to be.
You don’t have to do this alone. Details posted here.
Whew. That felt really long and preachy. I don’t like that.
It’s not me. I don’t know it all. I’m just sharing what works for us. And if we can even help a couple, I’m down with that.
Take a Deeper Intentional Focus
Take a 6 week Intentional Focus on the love of your life with our marriage program, Marriage on Fire. Marriage on Fire was designed especially for first responders, by a firefighter and his wife who have been through both the hot sparks and the tough fires of marriage and have brought healing and growth to a community of fire families.
This 6 week self-paced video series includes weekly emails, member only access to the program at 247commitment.org, challenges for couples, Live Online Chats, private community access, year long memberships for him and her, additional bonus material, freebies and much more!
Take that intentional focus on your spouse.
For some more reading
Lori Mercer
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I will jump right on board (having just found you by accident) and be thrilled to recommit to the Love Dare!! (I buy it as an extra wedding present to each wedding I attend). Sisters, I can attest that the Love Dare is life changing and eye opening! Lori, if I can be of any help, please don’t hesitate to ask (I lead a women’s small group and have some Chaplain experience).
What has DRASTICALLY improved our marriage is 1. Fireproof/LoveDare doing it alone and in a small group at church. 2. The book Love and Respect (also biblically based, lots of focus on the need husbands have for respect. 3. Most importantly, realizing that the purpose of marriage is not my selfish desire for happiness, but a selfless choice to learn how to love another human as God loves me!
Thank you, thank you for this post. I personally cant imagine how we would get through these years of child raising, homeschooling, a autism spectrum disorder, and much more without first following Jesus. I love my Fireman because Christ loves me, and from there can I go on. May the Lord bless you with many more years of a purifying marriage.
Rebecca
Amen!!
This made me bawl. And laugh. And feel so incredibly relieved that I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. I wasn’t the only one that has gone through this. I am a firefighter paramedic as well, and it has been the rollercoaster ride of a lifetime to be getting married to another firefighter. We have been going through all of the ups and downs (sans kids) that you had written about, and for the first time, I felt like someone knew, someone understood. Thank you for blogging, for writing and showing us that we aren’t alone. From my heart, I thank you!!
WOW!! I can honestly say that you were on a whirlwind there! I can’t imagine what that would have been like. I know that I am so happy I read this and that others have dealt with a horrible divorce and now the remarriage factor plays a huge role in your life. I am head over heels in love with my ff. I can say I have never loved like this before and I have never felt loved like I do by him. We have the crazy ex wife to contend with. She’s the epitome of nuts. She is jealous and wants him back and will stop at nothing to try to deflate him and I to make our lives miserable. She managed once to put that wedge between us, and thank GOD for his mother who called me and talked to me for hours on the phone about how she has never heard him talk about anyone like he has been about. And she’s never heard him profess his love like he has me. And that if he was going to cheat on me, wouldn’t it be easier to end it with me and have his family back together again and not have the stress of his ex causing all these problems? And it hit home. Yes, he loves me. And he wants to be with me and what am I doing letting this other woman try to split me up from the man of my dreams?? I ended up calling my ex and asking him to take our boys so that I could head to Columbus and talk to him and make this relationship right. That is all it took for me to realize that I want this man in my life for the rest of my life. That is the day that I knew I wanted to be married again. No matter what…for the rest of my life to this one man!!! Thank you for sharing your experiences…I have learned thru this long distance (yes an hour plus drive is long distance for me, especially since I don’t get to see him everyday he is off)…that communication is KEY!! Congrats on 10 years and best wishes for the next 100!!!
Bonnie I know what kind of love feels like too. Very special. But that doesn’t remove every challenge. Glad you are here so we can encourage each other to work through it all together!
Lori, I am so excited we just signed up for the firefighter wives confrence in Atlanta. My FF/paramedic husband and I just celebrated 19 years of marriage and we have a lot of stories like yours of not fighting fair, stress at home when he’s gone for so long, and we’ve actually been separated 2 times for a couple months due to marital conflict. I have been following your FB blog for a couple months, recommended by my hubby and I love it , it is so encouraging!! When I saw the confrence I immediately wanted to go, but then I saw it was in Atlanta……. 10 hr drive. I prayed about it , and KNEW the holy spirit was leading us to go!! So I talked to my FF about it today and he wants to go! We were wanting a get away this summer anyway, so we will either drive or fly if we get some cheap tickets. Looking forward to meeting everyone!!! Praying for you and your ministry!! Beth
I just wanted to take a minute and thank you so much for taking the time to write this article. Everything in it was something I have been needing to hear and I didn’t even realize that. You have really inspired me to look into some of these challenges and do better on my part of being a wife. Awesome story & so well said! Thank you, again, for putting into words everything I have been thinking and trying to say for a long time!
Wow! I can relate to almost everything you touched on! My firefighter and I will celebrate one year of marriage this weekend and we’ve had our share of bumps in the road, but it’s been for the betterment of our relationship. Thank you for your courage to share your blog!