I’m thinking of having an affair. Now, hear me out, please. I would never consider cheating on my husband. I’m just not that kind of woman. We have built a marriage of 14 years on the premise of trust and honesty. Some regular between-the-sheets therapy helps too, of course. So, why would I consider having an affair now? We have three beautiful daughters. We are at a great place in our marriage. We have spent years paying off debt so we are finally not fighting over our crushing finances. So, why?
Well, here it is: I’m lonely. Yes, that’s the gist of it. Sure, my girls are around all the time (and I do mean all the time) because I educate my girls at home. I have friends and other fire wives whom I see regularly, but that’s not like having my husband around. We are headed into the holidays and fall is my absolute favorite time of year. Even my birthday and our wedding anniversary are in the fall. Yet, there’s a part of me that just really misses my husband between August 15th and December 31st every year. In our state, this just happens to be the dates of hunting season.
For any women out there whose husbands abandon the family at every non-working opportunity during hunting season each year, you might be able to relate here. My husband’s hunting land is about an hour’s drive from where we live. If there is a free day, ever, any time during hunting season, I can only schedule things with the understanding that he won’t be present. I ask myself anymore, why do I bother looking at the shift calendar between August and December? Habit, I guess.
Back to the subject of affairs…I’m thinking of having my affair with the meat man. I know that’s a little weird. Many women dream of having an affair with one of the hot fireman whose buttered biceps grace the pages of random calendars each year. Or maybe a suntanned, tropical surfer in a Hawaii calendar catches the attention of some ladies. There’s also the Australian mate image that so many American women fantasize about. But who on earth dreams of sleeping with the meat man? I have yet to see a fundraising calendar dedicated to the Sweaty Six-Packs of the Meat Men of America.
The easy part with my affair is that I can stage this whole thing without having to actually cheat on my husband. He is our family’s meat man. He brings home the bacon, so to speak, as well as the venison stew meat, ground venison, venison sausage, etc. My only problem now is that without being a sneaky type of person I have no idea how to bring my plan to fruition. If my firefighter is off for the day and my husband is away hunting, the meat man is unavailable and out of town. If the hunter is in town, it’s only because the fireman is at work. If I can’t figure out how to separate the two of them, this going to be a very difficult affair.
Then again, maybe I can wait until he’s coming home after a hunt one night and greet him in our bedroom with camouflage, a hunting rifle and an Essence of Doe Pee candle burning on the nightstand. Yeah…that’ll get him! Forget the turnout gear with nothing underneath. Doe pee and camouflage are the way to go during hunting season.