He cheated on me. Do I try to make it work?

by | Everyday, Firefighter Marriage, Support for Your Marriage, The Love Dare

I hate this question.  It’s taboo.  I don’t even want to have to think about it.  But it comes to me at least monthly in a private message that someone wants me to anonymously ask.   The fire service is a DISASTER when it comes to marriage.  An absolute freaking disaster.  Divorce rate is off the charts.  Second and third marriages are common (and actually, my non-expert opinion and unofficial poll seems to find that they thrive way better than the first.)   24 – 48 hours away from a spouse can be difficult.  Text messages and facebook make it easier to communicate outside your marriage.   Cheating is too common.

There are people whom I hate for my husband to have to partner with because their values for marriage are so low.  Conversation turns to filth.  Eyes turn to unmentionables.  Not to mention the women who are firefighter groupies and will throw themselves at anything in a uniform.   You are who you hang around.  It’s a constant wheel of temptation torture for a firefighter who’s trying to honor and respect his wife and marriage.

And we all know that men who are eager to run into a burning building are very easy to fall for.  They are braver and stronger than the average Joe.  But along with that personality comes a sort of gruffness that isn’t so gentle on a woman’s soft, feminine, emotional, I-need-to-talk-this-out-with-you side.   A communication nightmare!

I’ll get off my soapbox now but you can see how passionate I am about this topic having fought through 10 years of marriage to my firefighter to get to the sweet spot of faithful love where we are today.

So here’s the latest anonymous question.

I want to get the opinions of some people who are unbiased of my situation. I’d like to remain unnamed. My husband of a little over a year who I met 11 years ago in our department was caught cheating. It was sleeping with a 40 year old for 6 months. He blames stress fr him failing his cardiac part of his paramedic class, not being able to get a good full time spot, us being so busy, an he says he can’t open up bout work. I do love him, I have had a hunch since June but wanted him to admit it giving him chances an everything. My question for other fire wives is should we do the counseling (I have moved out already) or is this not fixable. Was wondering if anyone could help give me insight.

And my initial response to her:

Absolutely do counseling and absolutely work on it! The fact that you both want to is a huge factor. You can make this work. It will take time and healing. A counselor is a big help in that. We have had this topic many times in our private wives group if you feel comfortable talking there. (firefighterwife.com/connect) In fact there was a big thread about this just last week from one wife who’s husband just ended a year long relationship with a 26 year old EMT. Some books that are recommended in our wives group – The Love Dare (have you seen the movie Fireproof that goes along with it?) , The Power of a Praying Wife. Love and Respect.

Can you help this desperate sister out?  Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

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On a mission to be and inspire us all to be better humans, to strengthen fire families & marriages, to nurture and encourage fire wives, do "good business" in all areas of my life and of course, love on my 4 kids.

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21 Comments

  1. FireWife

    First of all, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this and I hope that you do not feel alone. There are so many of us who have been exactly where you are. Times to come are hard, no matter what you choose. There is nothing right now that will ease that part of you that feels like it is gone.

    I’m all for saving a marriage if both of you are willing to go to counselling, remove the problem from your lives completely by not having any contact at all with the other woman, and trying to rebuild what has been broken. He has to be sincerely sorry and understand that he threw his vows out the window when he let another woman take his wife’s place in bed. He has to understand that he hurt you beyond just getting over it and being ok with loving him like a wife should, moving back in and definitely having sex with him again. He has to commit to finding a stress reliever that doesn’t involve leaving his marriage. He has to prove that he will never violate your marriage by bringing another person into it ever again. Long, tough road ahead of you. YOU have to be certain that it is not YOUR fault. No matter how a marriage is because it happens to good and bad ones, cheating (and abuse of any kind) is not acceptable but it is something you can forgive given the person is truly sorry. Being sorry means change! You can not be sorry and still keep the same habits. Thank God for second chances, we all get them and we should all give them. Second chances can sometimes lead to a better, stronger marriage when a couple can work through something that could have torn them apart. If you want to save your marriage, save it. Fight tooth and nail for it. Work hard, pray harder and pray he is working as hard and prayer even harder. I pray that you find the strength in the decision you make because it is one of the largest of your life.

    Reply
    • Brenda Holcomb

      I have been married to my ff for 17 years now he cheated on me 6 years ago for a year it was hard I worked threw it but it always remains in the back of my head 2 months a ago I cought him again and this time it was 5 months so I thin some of them if they cheat and get forgiven think you will always forgive them and continue to do it. Maybe not all but definitely my husband .

      Reply
    • Jen

      Forgiveness and trust. Following through to the core. Is a great quality, but are we teaching firemen or anyone that it is ok to cheat. No it is not.it is a personal decision to take one back but if you do take him or her back and truly forgive you can not throw it back in there face. But if we except this behavior others will not learn and what are we teaching our children that this is ok no its not ok but then again forgiving is healing. Dont let it get there. We all know when we are having problems fix it before he or she jumps to someone else..but remeber we can only control ourselves and we are all worth to be treated with respect love and kindness . Dont to to others you dont want done to you..morals is the key.

      Reply
  2. Jeannette

    Been there done that…My ff cheated on me over a year ago and it lasted over 2 years. We worked through it however, and we are stronger then ever. If you both are willing to work on it then its worth it in the end!!!!

    Reply
  3. Shannon

    I really hate to say this but it may not be worth it for you to work it out. I say this because it wasn’t something that just happened one time. It was an ongoing affair. I believe that once a man cheats, he will do it again. And the person being cheated on always has a hard time with trust. I know a lot of wives are going to say differently but I’ve been in this situation more then once and know the outcome is not always a good one.

    Reply
  4. Sue Kristensen

    Ok, I am not a firefighter wife, and I know this is for firefighter wives, but you have alot of good information and input and values that are awesome for alot of us women. I have been happily married to my construction worker husband for 23 years an together 26 years. Here’s my opinion: What kind of woman wants someone else’s husband (Not one I want to be friends with)? And men hello, obviously is she is willing to cheat with you, she is willing to cheat on you! I have never heard in my life of anything positive coming out of cheating! Do these women have NO self respect?

    I am sorry but every marriage has it’s ups and downs, it is how we handle both that make us stronger. I am a TOTAL advocate for marriage and I truly believe that if two people are willing to work (counseling, talking to each other, etc.) on it and I mean daily, then it is always worth working on.

    It takes two to cheat (I am not including the partner that is cheated on), they both deserve the blame. I am sorry but have more self respect for yourself and be faithful. I truly believe men and women that honor a commit are “Heros” ! No it is not easy, but doing everything you can to save your marriage is honorable.

    My heart goes out to you and if I could take one day of the hurt from you I would. Surround yourself with friends that share the same values. I could not be friends with any of my husbands friends, my friends or our joints friends if they continued to cheat! I am very selective about who I allow into our lives!

    You have this great outlet of women and are very lucky to have them!

    Reply
  5. sue bull

    Its difficult to do but if you are willing to work it out you should try. if you’re not already part of a church find a church and get counseling. something like this does not have to be the end of your marriage. like I said it is difficult but with forgiveness, anything is possible.

    Reply
  6. star

    Hi, i am sorry about the situation u have found yourself in. My best advice is to tryand work it out. If he is wanting to go to counceling thrn i would take it. If might help it might not but there is nkthing wrong with trying.. i would do anything for my ff… we have our setbacks but it always works out. Just becarefull… dnt set urself up for more hurt…. best of luck to you… i hope it works out..

    Reply
  7. maria

    what’s so sad is if it’s happening to us – we may never know – when they are at the station – i hate to say it anything can happen – just pray it doesn’t… good luck
    I found out my husband was talking to an old girlfriend and to tell you the truth i honestly don’t know if he slept with her —- so even tho its 6 years later — i still find it very hard to totally trust him which sucks

    Reply
  8. J

    What a horrible way to spend a holiday season (any season for that matter)…with this information about your spouse. I am truly sorry for the hurt and pain you are experiencing. I too have been down this road…ouch! You can read everyone’s posts, weigh the pros/cons, leave him/keep him, but ultimately, only you know in your heart if 1) you are willing to do the hard work to get back to a marriage you would want to be in, 2) know/feel if your spouse is willing to make the effort to make it work. As for the excuse list – that’s all they are: excuses. I could go sleep with someone and say well I was stressed due to work, well you’re gone 33% of the time and I was lonely, well the kiddos are now grown and I’m by myself too much, blah blah blah…again, these are excuses. The road to completely trusting someone again is full of cracks, pot holes, divets and ditches…but it can be done, it’s not impossible. Once you’re at the point of trusting again, it will never be what it was before, as it has now evolved into what it is. As the saying goes, “it it what it is”. Ultimately, you cannot control free will (this is the absolutely hardest one I’ve had to learn as I’m a bit of control freak). If someone wants to do something, they will do it…whether you are up their butt with a microscope (been there), whether you have spyware installed (done that) or you have released it to God and have complete faith/trust it won’t ever happen again. I wish you all the best with whatever your decision. As you can see from this group, no matter your decision, whether ladies agree or disagree, they all support each other here. It sounds like there are no children involved, which helps (to me) make the decision easier. Good luck – you are in our thoughts and prayers and may 2013 be YOUR very best – with him or without him…:)

    Reply
  9. mccart

    my name is mccart i never believe in spell casting, until when i was was tempted to try it. i and my husband have been having a lot of problem living together, he will always not make me happy because he have fallen in love with another lady outside our relationship, i tried my best to make sure that my husband leave this woman but the more i talk to him the more he makes me fell sad, so my marriage is now leading to divorce because he no longer gives me attention. so with all this pain and agony, i decided to contact this spell caster to see if things can work out between me and my husband again. this spell caster who was a woman told me that my husband is really under a great spell that he have been charm by some magic, so she told me that she was going to make all things normal back. she did the spell on my husband and after 5 days my husband changed completely he even apologize with the way he treated me that he was not him self, i really thank this woman her name is Dr Aluta she have bring back my husband back to me i want you all to contact her who are having any problem related to marriage issue and relationship problem she will solve it for you. her email is traditionalspellhospital @ gmail .com, she is a woman and she is great. wish you good time.

    Reply
  10. Kayla

    my name is Kayla
    i want to tell you about my past and how blessed i am today. please i understand how it feels to be heartbroken.i have a 5years relationship with my boyfriend not until when he brought me an invitation letter that he was getting married to somebody else because i love him so much and we promise to live our lives together ever since my life have been filled with pains,heart break and i almost took my life because of him.A friend of mine told me how DR OLOKUN helped her to get her husband back together after 3year,before i contacted dr olokun(priestolokun1@yahoo.com)call number tel.+2347051841955 is the spell caster who cast a spell in two days my boyfriend and i are back together.i am so happy for what DR.Olokun had done for me and my family too it a miracle for me, life have changed for the best.i dont need to explain it more than this but for you to contact him and your life will change for the best i promise you.

    Reply
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  12. Anthony

    You woman are selling yourselves short. GOD is amazing but if the SOB is cheating on you he does not fear GOD little less believe in him or his ways. I would divorce the SOB, get your elamony and enjoy life with happy thoughts and memorie, not with thoughts of is he going to do it again. Every woman should be loved and
    respected to the fullest and not be disrespected. Find yourself a MAN that fears GOD and believes in his teachings, a MAN that will respect you and your children. Once a cheater always a cheater. Life is too short to live unhappy, disrespected and worring if he will cheat again.

    Reply
  13. Vanessa Rrodriquezz

    If i were to be asked if i would ever contact a MAGIC PRIEST Online during an interview of any sort, i would ask the interviewer if they were out of their mind Because things like that cost them there job. Not just because i thought of MAGIC spell as something fetish but also because most people see MAGIC spell as pure madness. At least that was my point of view about MAGIC spell until METODO ACAMU showed me what true MAGIC spell was. He helped me get back my husband that was involved with my best friend from even before we got married. My suspicion started on my husband 45th years old birthday i threw for him. I was working my ass out trying to making sure he has the best time of his life that day while himself and one of my best friend were all over each other. I did not notice anything because she was one of my best friend and we shared a lot together who would have ever thought that she would stab me at the back. But my other friend noticed what was going on. They observed that anytime he dropped his phone, she picks hers up and like they told me it went on for about 2 hours straight. They did not tell me until after the birthday bash. They told me all about what was going on i was totally shocked i could not believe that my best friend and my husband were involved with one another. I was going to jump into conclusion and ask them about it but no i decided find out more information to get my fact right. With the help of my friend who still had my best interest in heart they were able to steal her phone ie they back stabbing friend phone. And i got to know all i need to know. My husband and her have being see each other since even before we got married and my husband confirmed it was he was like she has always been the one he loved and wanted to spend his life with. I was so sick and sad, what was i going to tell our kid that mommy and daddy can not stay together anymore cos of the my friend they call Aunt ? i remember that i cried for days with the thought that i have been a fool for nine years not noticing anything like i was a fool in love with someone who never loved me. It was like my heart was failing. I was still in love with my husband even if he no longer wanted to be with me. I could not bear the pain of being without him and having to lie to my kids so i found a MAGIC PRIEST to help me. Though i was skeptical about it i just thought to myself what do i have to loss i mean with a MAGIC spell or not i have lost the one thing aside from my kids that made me whole and the probability that i was loss my kids to him when it came to custody battle was at the high so i just let myself do what my heart told me to do. I contacted METODO ACAMU after reading a comment on a blog about how he has helped a lot of men and women fix their problem. I explained to him my situation and he promised he was going to help kill my pain by bring the man i love back to me. He asked me to either get some materials he listed for me and send them to him via ups or i bring them to him in his temple or i can also send him the cost of the materials to get them for me. I sent the cost to him because it was the cheapest option of all. It took him about 6 day to prepare the spell and after which he send me a package containing something am not allowed to tell but i can promise it is totally harmless to even a fly along side instructions on how to make the MAGIC spell active. It took another 5 days for the Magic spell to became active and after that day it was almost like magic i can explain what happened but all i can say is that my husband came back to me asking me to take him back telling me how much he loves me and wanted to be with me. My life is back to how it ought to be with my husband and my kids by my side. METODO ACAMU helped me make this happen. Here is his contact for those who believe and want to contact him metodoacamufortressx @ yahoo. com us this email in the regular format for emails where letters and characters all packed together..

    Reply
  14. Luaren Fisher1

    There is a lot i have to say but i really don’t know were to start from. I guess i will have to build my story, that is life story form the begin but will try has much to make it short. I fell in love with my boyfriend Daxson about three years ago and since then we have being living together. We are not married or engaged because like he said he wanted to finish his med school and all that. I was not even bothered because we were in love and as long as there is love who really need marriage and somehow even with all the stress he was going through, he finds the time to make me feel loved always. He is literally the definition caring. But here is the twister i never knew or rather he never told me he was scared for being a father at least we never talk about it because it never crossed our mind and we always i mean always played it safe. I was on my pills and he always used protection. Like they say, i guess when its time its time like, i got pregnant. Looking at it then i will say, that was my greatest mistake in life only now i see a baby is really a blessing. Ok let me go back on track. When i told him about it, i couldn’t say he was happy or sad but he had an expression on his face like “de f*** i ve got med school and now this ?” but he assured me, it was fine and he was happy and we are going to do it together as a family and i wished all that where true. On my third trimester, he said to my face he was not ready to be a father and was not going to do it with me anymore and that he doesn’t think he is gonna be a good father. We all know its hard to believe soon we all gonna be parents but for real, it comes when we are not even prepared for it and all we can do then is accept it as it comes. I tried to make him see what he was doing to me and his baby i mean i loved him so much and i was the happiest woman alive to be carrying his child i just wished he was too. He was not even there to see his girl when she was born he just left me and our baby. I could not understand why i was just too heart broken knowing that he has been the only one in my life for three years and now he just left me with some silly excuse i could not understand. I literally became a single mom for four months before Metodo Acamu a witch doctor helped me get back the man i love. Its not like i couldn’t do it all alone i mean take care of my baby girl its just that i loved him so much that i could not leave without him and all i could think of was him. Even with all that happened i could not bring myself to hate him i was only heart broken and wished i could get him back. When i contact Motodo Acamu ,he asked me to get some materials of which he was going to use to prepare a spell that was coming to reunite me, Daxson and April my baby girl. I sent him the money for the materials because it was less stressful and he made me see he was an honest and truthful witch doctor. He helped me a lot, he sent a package to me which i paid for . He told me to burning the content of package with the incense he sent along with the content of the package and in seven days Daxson will be my one and only again. Just as Metodo Acamu said it happened. I can say i was surprise because i have never done this kind of thing before and i was not so sure how it will play out. Though i made Daxson beg, i had to let him into my life and that of April again because that was all i ever wanted. And the spell is totally safe like Metodo Acamu told me and the love is real because the spell only made him see how much i mean to him and how much his life revolves around April and i . Everyone has his or her own opinion about the witch doctor Metodo Acamu but for me he is the reason my family is complete and happy if you want to Contact him use this email
    metodoacamufortressx@ yah oo. com note please use the normal email format where all words and character are joined together

    Reply
  15. nelda ffwife

    I was at the same situation. but i don’t know where exactly my husband had met this girl or person. My husband has been a firefighter for almost eight years. I understand that a lot of women think that they go through a lot. But i think that there is no excuse for a man to say that they cheat due to stress. I had caught my husband looking at internet dating sites and also condoms under the seat in which we never used any throughout our whole marriage of 14 years. he denied it all and eventhough i am still with him because i tried to work it out for our kids to have a stable family relationship, i still have a hard time to trust him. i just know that now that my kids are a little older i have the courage to leave and have a happier life if i catch any signs of cheating. Sometimes you got to get that strong feeling of going forward with your life without a man that like cheats on you. Remember (stds can happen anytime).

    Reply
  16. Melinda

    I can’t tell you what to do but I know what has worked for me and my friends. We walk and don’t look back. Hard yeah. It hurts. But “that” just isn’t worth it no matter how much time you have in it. I told him right up front, “If you cheat on me, get involved in a serious addiction or hit me, I’ll leave.” He said “Wawawa, what about second chances?” I said “You get one. You get a second chance to find someone else.” Three years later and I have the absolute greatest husband in the world. No trust issues. None what so ever. Someone told me when I was little and it has always stayed with me “It takes a great man to be better than no man at all.” This makes it so easy to leave someone that doesn’t value what he has. He knows it’s over when he goes for “it”. Sometimes needs aren’t being met, bet then he needs to get counseling or speak the hell up or leave but cheating is the ultimate back stab from a true coward. If he doesn’t have the skills he should at least be mature enough to know that he doesn’t know and know that he needs to get some. Everyone knows that cheating is wrong. It is the deal breaker.

    Reply
  17. LOVE SPELL

    Dr Salem I want to start first by saying a big “thank you” to you . There are a bunch of nuts out there just trying to make a fast buck, but you are genuine! I prayed before I went online that God would send me exactly where I needed to go to find help for my problems concerning my love life.. And I mean I went directly to your site and felt it was the place I needed to be. now my family is reunited and my lover is back to me with masses of love. I’m forever grateful! Dr. Salem is legitimate and his gift is for real. Of that I am certain, Thank you thank you!!! you can contact him on this email: salemmanifestloverspell@gmail. com
    WhatsApp +234 805 397 4975

    Reply
  18. freye

    I requested a solution to my marital crisis because I don’t want my kids to grow up without their father, The man I love so much. ADU solution temple did a love ritual that made my husband apologize and remorsefully begged for my forgiveness and also from our kids in less than 4 days after the rituals. thanks to ADU temple who came to my rescue. priest at ( SOLUTION. TEMPLE @ MAIL. COM )

    Reply
  19. James

    I want my ex back to me now with love spell urgent 2024 Priest Ade ancientspiritspellcast@gmail. com

    Reply

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