I Used to Hate His Firehouse

by | Everyday, Firefighter Marriage

In our early years of marriage, the giddiness of dating a thrill seeker tough guy fireman quickly faded with every 24 or 48 hour shift I spent home alone covered in clingy toddlers and stinky infant formula.

At first I was so proud to say I was dating, then engaged to and finally married to a firefighter.

But as I went through some difficult seasons of my life, I became jealous and agitated every time he left for the firehouse.  This translated to phone calls that were challenging while he was away.  Did I want to hear about the steaks they grilled or the homemade lasagna he just ate while I finished the kids leftover PB&J?

And I definitely didn’t want to hear how he watched some fabulous new release movie, casually and leisurely with adult conversation while I suffered through yet another episode of Tellatubbies (insert current favorite children’s cartoon to match your generation….Barney, Yo Gabba Gabba, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse).

These years were the most difficult for “hating the firehouse”. Why am I smiling? I was in church with our whole family. And my husband was getting a little spoonful of my daily life with the 20 month old. (And I remember finally feeling pretty that day because I dressed up for the baptism instead of wearing PJs or sweatpants!)

Although this was the job that:

  1. He was designed for and he loved
  2. Provided for our family
  3. Did not hate me back (in fact, most of the firefighters really embraced our cute little fire family)

I began to resent it.  Yes, another irrational, faulty, human emotion.

Those feelings were very real.  And very hurtful.  And mixed in with issues of his own, it was very challenging to deal with in our marriage.  We were walking on eggshells of tension constantly when he was home.   (Ironic because when he was gone I only wanted him to be home!).

But did you catch what I wrote above? “As I went through some difficult seasons in my life…..”

I find the toughest days for him to be gone for so long are the days when I am struggling.

Maybe I just have a cold or I’m extra tired from being up with a sick kid.  Or I had a super challenging day at work and get to come home to be “single supermom” for the evening.

And for those particular years, I was still a somewhat selfish newlywed learning how to love someone more completely.

Yes we take those vows and mean them with all of our heart. 

But that one sweet moment on our wedding day vanishes from our brain cells in a moment of Fire Wife Reality TV when you realize there is only one evening out of the next 5 you will spent together and it’s likely to be the day you start your period.

All the while, he’s L-O-V-I-N-G life at the firehouse.  Eating like a king.  Getting his workouts in.  Being complimented by the community with plates of warm chocolate chip cookies.  Shooting hoops with his buddies between calls.

That’s not a job!  It’s a regular ole fraternity house. (Minus the alcohol)

And I must not ignore that the perfectly coiffured and manicured ER nurses who dote all over him are like nails on a chalkboard when I have 20 pounds of post-partum flab around my middle which looks hideous disguised in spit up-stained yoga pants, and my pregnancy acne has not yet made a graceful exit.

All this adds up to one succinctly stated sentiment:

I hate the firehouse!   Don’t you dare pick up another shift at that evil den of filth, slander and iniquity that is destroying our marriage!

Um, ok.  That’s a broad leap to a generalization that couldn’t be further from the truth.  Let’s see how wrong that is.

  1. He misses me and the kids like MAD when he’s there
  2. All he talks about while he is there is us
  3. He has ignored and skipped out on the adventures the single guys are taking on their off days so he can get home to us
  4. He truly has no clue what he can say to his beautiful bride when she’s gone psycho brain on him due to her hormones and emotional baggage that is bursting all over their home
  5. Our communication could be better, and could resolve irrational emotions for both of us.

I did not really hate his firehouse.

It was the comparison to my unhappy world at the moment.  My expectations were not right.  I was not feeling well physically due to pregnancy, etc.  The transition to 3 kids only 4.5 years apart while hanging onto my part time corporate career was breaking me.  The firehouse was the scapegoat.   And it was completely selfish and unfair of me to try to make my husband feel guilty for his “good life” just because I was in a tough space.  A space where I was in over my head with motherhood responsibilities with very little help around.

It’s not that I didn’t love those sweet peas and feel grateful for every ounce of healthy child we’d been blessed with.   But it was the classic “life transition overwhelm”.   And not having enough of the right positive influences in my life to remind me.  The church women’s bible studies didn’t work with his schedule.  I didn’t have much time to take care of “me”.   But those were all things that needed to happen.

I had to stop being jealous of the firehouse in order for our marriage to succeed.

What helped?

  • Marriage counseling:  This is one season of our life when we did participate in counseling.
  • Getting away together and taking a big giant family time out:  See our most favorite family vacation below
  • Me working on me.  I read at that time a book called “Wild at Heart” by John Eldridge.  It’s for men.  And the first time it really ticked me off.  (long story)  But the short story is that the second time I understood better the instinctual needs of my husband to be an adventurer, hunter, provider, rescuer.  This was huge in the growth of our marriage (and notice it required nothing of him)
  • Getting to know some of the people at the firehouse better.  Connecting with other fire wives who shared my concerns. Realizing I’m not crazy!
  • Time.  Babies grow fast.  Seasons change in the blink of an eye.  You won’t be changing diapers and watching kid TV forever.  In fact, in hindsight, it is so incredibly short and then you send them to school and you miss it.

My heart is with all of you struggling with this topic.  I encourage you to connect with your fire life community if possible and start working through the tough stuff.

Fire marriages can work

The same season of our life feeling GOOD with my babies on my hips.  After a L-O-N-G cold and gray Ohio winter, we spent every penny of our tax return on a week long spring break in San Diego doing NOTHING. The getaway was priceless actually and hugely needed for our family and marriage restoration.

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On a mission to be and inspire us all to be better humans, to strengthen fire families & marriages, to nurture and encourage fire wives, do "good business" in all areas of my life and of course, love on my 4 kids.

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40 Comments

  1. Jessie - She's Fully Involved

    This probably just became my all time favorite post here. I would be willing to bet that most of have have been, are currently in or will eventually go through this!!!

    Reply
  2. Heather Isaacs

    Couldn’t agree more…great blog post. Although I’ve never hated the firehouse…nor have I had to experience raising our children with him on duty, I have been jealous. For me…it’s during our VERY rare date nights…where we look for a movie to rent and every one I pick is met with, “I saw that with the guys…”

    I know…it’s petty…and it’s ridiculous. Great post Lori…I bet woman after woman reading this will be nodding her head in agreement.

    Reply
  3. Lisa Owens

    I can totally relate to this! Fortunately, by the time hubby joined the department, I’d gotten over it. My parents joined the fire department when I was about 10, so I grew up with it. I USED TO HATE IT!!! We could never go anywhere or do anything, because one of them was always on call. We’d be on our way somewhere (even just grocery shopping) and the tones would, of course, go off. I can’t begin to count the hours I spent sitting at the fire station, by myself, or even on a scene sometimes, waiting for them to get done.

    Reply
  4. Dead On!

    Wow, this post is dead on! My husband got into the fire dept. 1 year after being married. WOW, was it a learning curve. I no longer throw out phrases like, ” I didn’t agree to this when we got married.” I know, SOOO horrible to say bc even though I didn’t realize what I was saying/doing to him, I did agree from the moment I took those vows. Just in that moment, it just seemed so unfair. And then came the kids and like you became difficult at times but mostly b/c of my own insecurities. 5 years later, I think that 24 hour shift is a blessing in disguise. It’s a 24 hr break for me and the kids to miss him and appreciate him much more, even if he is grumpy at times from working so hard. 😉 That’s for the great post. I’m glad I’m not the only one that felt like this at one point or another.

    Reply
  5. Cori

    This post rocks. Enough said. 🙂

    Reply
  6. Samantha

    This is exactly me right now. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and I love that he is walking in his calling but I hate the fact that when I need help he is out helping others. He also works on an ambulance so when he leaves at 6 am to go to the fire hall I know it will be at least 36 hours before I see him again. He will work his 24 at the fd and then go to his 12 at the ambulance. He may or may not make it home for dinner so usually anything we do is done on the off day if I don’t have to work. We have 3 boys ages 7,4,and almost 2. I’m constantly on the go. We have one child who has some health issues and when we have to go to the doctor it’s me and all 3 boys. When we get out in the hospital it’s me and the 3 boys until someone can come get my other 2 and when someone can come in to cover his shift. But I don’t hate the fire department and I don’t hate that this is his calling. I’m just overwhelmed.

    Reply
  7. Debbie Bentley

    This was a great post. There was a time when I really did not like the fire house. I came to accept it and became a stronger person for it. I learned to do things on my own, which was a good thing. It made me independent and able to cope better. For those going through it now-hang in there it does get better. (It is now 26 years later)

    Reply
  8. Autumn

    God definitely used this post to get my attention this morning. I was very upset at my ff last night for leaving me last night during a horrible storm, when he knows I’m horrified of storms, to go run a call with his volunteer department. I could barely speak to when when he came back home and did some praying ab my attitude and Loris post was the very first one that I saw on my fb this morning. My first thought -wow God, you sure got my attention this morning!

    Reply
  9. Shelley

    Yep, this definitely hits home in a lot of ways. I have always know, because we both felt The Lord very clearly tell us, that my husband was supposed to be a firefighter and honestly that is one of the only things that really gets me through the hard days. We know that we know he is supposed to be there. I am also blessed with a husband who puts family time over everything else on his day off…over sleep, the online college classes he is taking, and his friends. It wasn’t always that way and it has gotten easier as my kids have gotten older…but I still have my meltdowns over the vacation days we never get approved for or the pay, but God has called him and he answered and I a blessed to have him…even if my life is a 24 / 48 cycle. 🙂

    Reply
  10. Patti Stacy

    This is exactly how I feel this very moment stuck in a very bad season. Wait….I cant say that. I need to keep my negativity to myself as a Captain’s wife. Yeah…whatever. I’m not crazy. Thanks for writing this. <3

    Reply
  11. Emily

    UGH this just put me in my place. My emotions are all over the place right now. I am pregnant with our (unexpected) 4th child and due in 9 wks. Hubs has a 24/48 schedule and also works for Life Flight 24 hrs a week because our city hates our department and refuse to pay them what they deserve. I know when he works he gets to be around the “talk” of lay-offs all the time. He was laid-off in 2010 and that was just pure hell that our family/marriage went through. It did a number on his self esteem and being around the talk doesn’t help. Our older two are 18 mos apart and are at each others necks 24/7 it seems. Our 2 yr old has a mind of his own. Very stubborn and strong willed. Putting all that together can set up some really hard days, especially when hubs has to do a 48 or even 72. On top of all that, my two sisters (whom I grew up very close to) just left with their new husbands across the country. My feelings with hubs has been “you have no idea what I have to go through! You have no idea how many times I put a fake smile on just so that you can have a good day at home! I’m fat and pregnant…..why would I be attractive to you on your days off when you get to work with nurses who I KNOW pamper themselves and throw themselves at you!!”.
    I know he would rather be at home and I know that feels bad because he doesn’t understand my emotions and therefore can not help me. Reading my own post makes me realize how selfish I’ve been lately.
    All of that to say, thank you for posting this. It put me in check

    Reply
  12. lgreen

    I love this, Lori. When our children were much younger I went through the same thing. To those going through this now…it definitely gets better.

    Reply
  13. Melaie

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I am new to this (19 months) and thought it was just me. Though there are no young children at home I can totally relate as I work in the mental health division and feel the need to talk with someone I can actually relate to. My fireman is a Captain so even when he’s home he’s constantly on the phone with the firehouse, weekends away are the same. I’ve come to accept the firehouse and the other families have grown close to my heart. The friendships and love for all have been rewarding and I too will stand by my fireman, the other firemen and their families through good (1 wedding so far, hope to see more), bad (1 LODD) and the “ugly”.

    Being with a fireman is not for the fickle. It is challenging to say the least but the rewards are also plenty. I am far from “home” but I have definitely found a forever family in the fire department, always someone willing to lend a hand and always a hand to offer.

    He and I have a saying: together through separation. Working around both of our work schedules is tough. My days off may not be his days off, so we do appreciate our time together more than most non-fire families. We text frequently and do not go to bed without an I Love You and a Be Safe, yes even at the firehouse. He reassures me he is safe after returning from calls. He loves his work and I therefore will always support his decision.

    Reply
  14. Betty Martin

    This totally hit home. I’m in a tough place right now and this post really spoke to me. Especially the part about the nurses and him always getting to watch the new movies, and feeling like you have to play single mom. You put me in my place. Thank you.

    Reply
  15. Jill Tho

    Pretty much summed up our marriage after our first was born.

    Reply
  16. Cynthia

    Love, love, love this!!! Ironically, my ff read it first and told me, “You should read that. It sounds like the same things you say you felt about the firehouse when the kids were little.” Yep, deadly accurate. 😉

    Reply
  17. Stacy Dominguez

    So glad it’s not just me! Our Fire Dept. lifted the OT cap fo rthis month only, so hubby has been working 4 days, off 1, working 4, off 1, and has his last two OT’s coming up. When he told me for his one day off he was going to a concert with the guys (his one day was also his birthday), I was so resentful. He hasn’t seen them enough this month? After 4 days of not speaking, we had a great talk yesterday. These are his brothers. They see a lot of icky stuff everyday, and they can detox together and deal will the realy bad runs in a way that I can’t relate. He also reminded me that he neds these guys out nights. (Really cuz I don’t get those). So we came to an agrement, he can have guy days/nights as long as he takes of the day before or day after for family time. Not so I can have my time, but so we can have “our” time. So why not visit the station while he’s gone? The stations with the older guys, they like to relax. Any chance for down time during their 25+ runs per day is a blessing, the guys don’t need kiddos running around. While we deal with a lot as wives at home, their daily calls are so much worse. And it’s soooo hard sometimes, but it’s best to smile and just appreciate.

    Reply
  18. Heather Martin

    This was an awesome post. My ff and I are newly married as of last month but we have been dating for the last 4 years. He has been a ff now for about two years. He is full time at one department and a full-time partimer at another. So when he is off from his full-time 24/48 hr shift department, he works 12 hr shifts at the other department. Basically he works 36 hr shifts, comes home for 12, goes back for 12, comes home again for 12 and the cycle starts over. Occasionally there is a day that he gets off, but definitely not as much as I would like. I just graduated from college in May and will be starting my high school teaching career in August. His job has never really bothered me because I have been at school and wasn’t home to see him anyway on his days off but now that we are married it makes me so furious when he picks up extra shifts with either of the fire departments. I guess since I have this summer off and don’t have a lot to do, it makes me so mad that he fills up the time we are supposed to be together with being with his “brothers” at the FD. I don’t think that I hate the FD because they honestly do so much for our community but I am so envious that he is so in love with his job. I feel selfish and want him to be with me as much as possible. I know that we are going to face hard times in our marriage and many struggles when we start having kids but I know I now have a place where I can understand that I am not the only one. I just joined this site today and I feel like this is definitely a place where I will be able to get read helpful tips on being married to a ff and a place where I can vent.

    Reply
  19. Christa Johnson

    Thank you so much for this post. I have been struggling with absence more than usual lately as not only has my FF been working OT frequently to make sure that we get awesome vacations this summer (I told him before we were married that I wanted to travel frequently and he has made it happen over and over again), but his 83 year old father has been in and out of the hospital during the last 2 months and he has had to spend many evenings helping his step-mother. I have felt so lonely and have made this known in not so nice ways. It doesn’t help that I’m a teacher and have the whole summer off so I have more time to notice he is gone. Last week I finally got it. God showed me what my FF was trying to do and gave me sympathy for him. I believe the best way to get over angry feelings for someone is to do something nice for them so I told him until he had more time I would take over his household chores. I also bought him a card and told him how wonderful he is and that he just needs to say the words and I will help him with whatever he needs. Since then he has been more attentive than ever and has let other people started helping so that he can spend more time at home. Bless you for writing a post that speaks to so many!!

    Reply
  20. Michelle

    This post completely hits home with me!
    I will be marrying my firefighter in June after a wonderful 4.5yrs together. And I have found myself saying “I hate the fire house! You love it more than me, and I’m not your top priority anymore!”
    We don’t have children so unfortunately I am afraid my negative feelings and frustrations will only get worse. I too used to be so proud and thrilled by the fire dept and still am… To an extent (we are having a firefighter wedding!)… But find myself having these hateful/resentful moments.
    Here’s where my problem lies: he’s a volunteer. Right now with his job that supports us, he works 7 days a week 16hrs a day. He gets 2 days off a month. By the time he gets home, he normally eats, showers, and then goes to bed and repeats. Dinner is literally the only time we have together anymore.
    With that being said, I get so upset when he goes to a fire (like at this exact moment actually) after work. It takes from the only time I have with him at all. There will be no dinner together and when he gets home, he will go to bed since he has to get up at 4am. And then when he finally does get a day off, it always winds up at the firehouse or on fire calls. I have found myself saying before “you’re a volunteer! That dept doesn’t pay our bills… You don’t have to go to every single call when your home. Why can’t you make time for me? Why would you want to waste your only time with me?” And there are times where between work and the fire dept, I go 5 or more days without seeing him except for the two min it takes him to crawl into bed and fall asleep.
    However, I know the fire dept is his life. Even though he’s “just a volunteer”, to him it’s still a passion, a job, a service to the community, and what he lives to do. There’s nothing that means more to him than that, except for me… Even though it really doesn’t feel like that sometimes. I see the joy it brings to him and I want to support it and him. I wanna embrace it with open arms like I used too. I have done better recently blaming his job for the loss of time with him and loneliness instead of the fire dept…. But sometimes can’t help but feel like “why can’t he just miss this one call since he knows that his job doesn’t allow us to have much time together? Why can’t he just put me first once in awhile and make me happy just by simply staying home by my side for one night instead of going on these calls. I just want one night… Is that too much too ask?”
    Of course, when I try to talk to him about it I get these responses “you knew I was a firefighter when we got together… You lie this is what I do” and “we have the rest of our lives together. Tonight I saved a life. A life is more important than watching a movie with you when I can always make that up to you. Don’t you care about the community?” And he’s right. I am being greedy when I’m putting my own needs over saving someone’s life or home.
    With all this being said… Can someone please help me and tell me how to not let it bother me as much as it does? I know his love for it and the happiness it gives him and I want to be the most supportive wife possible… But sometimes, I become impossible because I just want him and nothing else matters. Especially the fire dept. I know that I am the problem and not the fire dept, but I don’t know how to just make the feelings to go away. The loneliness and not being a priority or important as if I’m the last thing on his list that matters after his job and the fire dept are the feelings that just eat at me. And I don’t want to feel that way 🙁 help?

    Reply
  21. Mary Anne Broeker

    Thank you for sharing this <3 I've known about you guys for a while and after reading this post I officially joined the FF wives.

    Reply
  22. Jeannine

    Great post! My hubby read it first and asked if I wrote it. It sounds exactly what I went through when my kids were younger, and sometimes still struggle with. I’m so glad I’m not alone and now my hubby noes it’s just not me who thinks this way

    Reply
  23. Julie

    I’m the wife of a 30 year retired fire captain and paramedic. We have been married for 28 years this month, have 2 great kids, 26 & 24. I have nerver hated the fire house or the job, I fact I have always been so proud to tell people my husband is a fireman. I must admit that in the beginning WH he was on duty, I didn’t like sleeping in our house by my self, but quickly got use to it and sometimes actually liked to see him go off to work. Snoring will do that to a person. Anyway I can see how some people can feel the way you do but for my husband his station was so busy especially at night 23+ calls a day! I was more glad when he was able to transfer to a less busy station. The kids and I would visit him at work often, my son fell in love with the job and now he is works for the fire dept. too. I think part of the reason I never hated the fire house might have been that both our family’s lived close and were there for me when ever I needed help or just a break. Good luck to all the wives out there, it really does get better.

    Reply
  24. Summer

    When I first joined this group I thought, “I’m a firefighter too, so I get it, I don’t really need advice to be a good firefighter wife.” However, in the past week, I have read two articles that have nearly brought me to tears. It is like I am reading my own life, except I “get to” experience the 24 shift too. All that means is that my husband and I are apart every two days out of three, and on our days off together he sleeps until early afternoon. We’ve been living this life almost two years (I was a stay-at-home mom for two years before I joined the department). Even though I am a firefighter too, I still feel like a single parent, I still have to deal with the nurses (a very sore subject at the moment), I still resent his firehouse a lot of the time, and I am exhausted from my shift on top of that. This article is spot on! Thank you!

    Reply
  25. Nancy Stark

    OMG I am so this woman as well. My FF and I have been married for 8 years and at first I wanted him home with me and was happy when he was not on shift. Others wives would laugh and say your a newbie let the new wear off and you’ll not want him home. I’m grateful to say that even 8 years later 9 if you count the year we dated I still get happy to have him home for us time. Are kids are growing and moving away from home so it makes it better and easier for “us” time. Thank you for sharing with us your story it hits home and opens your eyes. I love all my FF Sister Wives we have a tight bond that not just anyone would know unless your a FF wife. God Bless each of you!!!!!

    Reply
  26. Alexis Novia

    I understand the frustrations but I can’t relate to this. It may have something to do with myself being a 9-1-1 TC (retired after 25 years) which is what my hubby did before becoming a FF. My father, older brother, sister in law, & cousin are all police officers. My younger brother is a FF as well as my father in law. I am 43 with an 8 year old son. My husband was promoted to Capt. I actually look forward to days he is working. Could be because we have been together 18 years. I like the me time with my son and I. I assume because of all the people in my life involved with public safety it doesn’t even phase me. I have come accustomed of living by a calendar. Anyway, hang in there girls. It gets better!!!

    Reply
  27. Rigss

    This is a joke!!
    Get over yourself and your Hard Times.
    If you think for one second that these “long hours” away from home is this hard you need a reality check.

    People work 80 hours a week to support families

    Military deploy for a year away from families

    People go offshore fishing for months

    Drilling for oil in remote parts of the world

    Get over yourselves and this painfull life you lead.

    Reply
    • Ivette

      Seriously, do you have to be so rude? I find it very hard due to my mental and physical disabilities, which no one has talked about. I, too, have kids and have busted my butt not to drastically impact my family situation. So, yes, some may not need their spouses as much, but I need all the help that I can get. And it is not the same when someone else takes care of your family. Your husband is your number one caretaker.

      Reply
  28. Zach

    Maybe it’s different where your husband works, but that’s not at all like fire house life. A frat house? Yea right. We don’t have time to hang out, joke around, watch movies, play games or any of that. We are too busy working nonstop. I spend my whole first day off sleeping because I go 24 hours straight with no sleep. It’s honestly very rare that I even lay down at work. That’s why it can be hard to be with a fireman but you know that before you get married.

    Reply
  29. NAILA

    With a 1 and 2 year old and a full time corporate job, we had 1, yes 1 date night all year and it lasted 2 hours. I can’t say I’m jealous of the firehouse or hate the firehouse, but I do wish that my firefighter husband would cut me a break when I just want some “me” time and not take it personally. As stated, time with the kids flies by and with a full time job, THAT is what I am jealous of, the fact that he can spend all day making those memories with the kids while I am at work. I don’t have a problem with stinky diapers, eating their leftovers and being up all night with the kids and still work the next day. However, I do get annoyed when he decides to call me just to talk. I feel that is my time with the kids, don’t waste any of it by being on the phone with me AND I’m solo so leave me alone. I’m so sorry if I was too tired to call and say goodnight because I just wanted to sit there and watch an adult tv show to wind down and fell asleep. Again, this time will pass so quickly with the kids so instead of taking it personally, I wish he could be patient. It does wear on you when you only get 2 days off a week and you don’t get to spend family time together. At this time in my life, family time WITH the kids is more important and a higher priority! I can understand what he goes through at work and realize that at times he doesn’t get to eat his dinner on time or has to leave in the middle of it. And I appreciate all that he and the other firefighters do. I just wish he would cut me a break.

    Reply
  30. Shirley Durso

    I was beginning to think something was wrong with me, Then I read your message. My Husband was a firefighter for over 20 yrs. until he had to retire after having a heart attack on duty. I never felt like the women who are leaving these messages. I took my son to the hospital when he got hurt and my husband was on duty and attended all his activities at school.. I yelled “Home run” when he made a touchdown playing football. I saw the Chief pull up when my husband was slightly hurt on duty and received a call not to ask any questions about his duty the day before as it was a fatality. I was so proud of him and we worked together . I learned to handle emergencies without him and enjoy the special times we had together. Now that he is gone from cancer, I use all that I learned to go on. I would give anything for him to be back at the station while I was at home handling all the everyday problems. We would talk about it in the morning when he got home over a cup of coffee or he would go to bed to catch up on the sleep he didn’t get the night before. I would watch and listen to him sleep . I hope the women who read this realize how blessed you are to be married to a man who gives to his community. Share that blessing with him.

    Reply
  31. Elizabeth

    I came across this today and you have no idea how much it helped. There arent many other men who are in a famoly relationship and we just found out that we are pregnant and hormones have made something that wasn’t so awful seem horrid. Thank you for the reminder that its not a forever feeling!!!!

    Reply
  32. Fran Lopez

    I have been around the fire service due to my husband for almost 40 years. Never whined nor complained about his job. It paid the bills and I had two children during this time, and also worked full time myself. So when I see and hear this I have a hard time. When do we pull up our big girls panties and just deal with it. Am not judging, just saying. Look at what the perspective is with their job. It is more than you think.

    Reply
    • Jessie -

      I don’t think its fair (Or easy) for a spouse to be told to stuff their feelings down and deal with it. What is easy for some people, is hard for others… we all have our weaknesses. We can learn to be strong in areas we are weak but first that usually takes support and encouragement. Otherwise, those who don’t learn to cope become resentful, that’s hard to come back from. I do think I need to pull my big girl panties up sometimes 🙂 But I know when I am being irrational, some women need to know how to direct those feels.

      Reply
    • Lori Mercer - WifeOnFire

      Hi Fran-
      It’s difficult to walk in someone else’s shoes. Letting the fire service dominate one’s life has been a marriage wrecker for many. And a wife who doesn’t understand enough about their job and gets bitter is not good either.
      So we share lots of positive and encouraging feedback in both directions here. I hope you can find some positive, helpful things to share with this community. Clearly from all the comments we receive here and on the Facebook page, lots of families are struggling with this.
      Thanks for stopping by
      Lori

      Reply
  33. Anna

    I don’t know how to deal with my current situation.
    I live in Australia and my husband is a volunteer fire fighter. He works full time and spends his free time at the station. I feel very alone in raising our 4 kids all under 7yrs. I feel as though he prefers to be at the fire station

    Reply
  34. Ashley

    I am so glad that I am not alone! I have an 8mo old and 20mo old and my hubby works for Cal Fire. So he is gone A LOT! It’s so hard to find people going through what I am, none of my friends have any clue how hard it is! And what’s worse is I feel like firefighters and wives of firefighters throw away their marriages because it’s hard. Going through hard things together, and being the best we can for each other will make our marriages and family’s stronger! Thank you for being so honest and writing this! I love Jesus and I love my husband and I love my babies! I’m in a hard season right now and some days just plane suck, but I choose to be the best wife and mom I can possibly be!

    Reply
    • Jessie -

      Hey, Ashley! So many of us go through this season. Hang in there, you are right… too many just give up when the going gets tough! Check out our online communities, they’re included with memberships at 247commitment.org/join or maybe our book, Honor and Commitment, might be of some help too 🙂 It’s at HonorAndCommitment.com.

      Reply
  35. Jennifer

    Luckily I stumbled across this website pretty early on in my relationship with my FF.

    The articles really helped me to understand the lifestyle I was about to enter, my FF and what it takes to build a successful relationship and life with a firefighter.

    7 yrs later, we have survived so much together that I believe wouldn’t have been possible without your articles.

    I haven’t seen many articles in a long time (not sure why) but with hubby getting ready to retire and all the challenges that come with that, could you please post something on how to help your FF with the transition and things to look out for?

    Thank you so much for helping me understand the lifestyle and my FF.

    Reply
    • Firefighterwife Admin

      Hi! We’ve been through a lot of changes in the last few years 😉 . We are looking into this for you! Let you know when we have something ready.

      Reply

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