I have written about it before. I have dreamt about it…waking up in a cold sweat. It is something that I try really hard NOT to think about. I know I will not hold my composure as well as I would like, if God forbid, that day were to ever come. I know I will be a mess. So I have made myself think about it – NOW.
It’s not morbid to think about how you would respond. In fact, it’s wise to have this difficult conversation with your spouse (for any couple, not just because your husband is in a dangerous line of work). And of course it’s better to think of these things when you are in a stable state of mind. The following is one fire wife’s plan as she shares the work she’s already done in this area. This does NOT have to be what you do as it is a very, very personal topic. But it does give you some thoughts to consider. Her story starts now……
Knowing that I will be a total and complete disaster, I have made a list. My Secret List. I have it in a ordinary notebook on my dressing table. It is not pretty. It looks like it could be my kids’. I don’t share it. I don’t talk about it. My hands shake whenever I pull it out. My FF knows I have it, but does not know what it looks like. It has some links and some notes. My list comes from questions that I have asked him – sometimes on the sly and sometimes rather blatant.
It has print outs from the local and from the IAFF. It has spots for scripture passages, pall bearers and speakers. I have the contact information for the cemetery – luckily we already have a place in a family plot. I know that the department will take care of much of the details for me when it comes to the actual service, but there is so much we don’t ever think about.
So, without all of the specifics of my notebook, simply because I will never make it through this post with all of the tears, here are some links and lists I have to work from.
The first page I have written – BREATHE and CRY AS MUCH AS YOU NEED. In big bold letters. I need to give myself that permission rather than try to play the stoic statue. I need that permission. You might too, or perhaps you are comfortable enough, but here’s where you put anything that will help you get through that initial shock.
The next page is a list of numbers and people I want each person to call for me, so that I don’t have to rehash the loss verbally quite so much. His parents – with all of their numbers, with a note for them to call their family and friends. My parents – with a note to call each of their perspective families.
I also have the kids’ school numbers there. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that would be – trying to manage my grief while breaking such heartbreaking news and watching their world crumble in an instant. But I digress…
The next number is my firefighter wife next door – cell and work, and her Lt’s number – again, even though he would probably already know. Chances are, since our FFs work the same shift, she would probably be right there when I got the news. She would see that department SUV pull up, but just in case, I have them readily accessible.
I also have a few firefighter wives that are not local, but are on this list as well.
I have his partner’s number and his Battalion Chief’s cell number and the Union President’s number and email. Again, they would all know what happened (probably before me), but if I have a question or need help with something, I don’t have to search to try and find them.
I have two funeral homes – one close to the Basilica and one my family has used forever – their numbers and a contact person at each. I also have the number for our parish with this list, with the extension for each of the priests. The Basilica is a most beautiful place to say good-bye.
The cemetery – their fax number and phone number – made it to my list.
Make this list your own. Be sure you have a go to person. One who can take calls when you can’t. One who can organize meals for your family and help spread information. You might want to make them your number one call just so you have someone to lean on.
I have an entire packet from our IAFF Local printed out and highlighted/marked up.
If needed, call (866) 736-5868 to request help from the National Fallen Firefighters Foundation’s Local Assistance State Team (LAST).
No matter what, you are never alone!
Funeral and Burial Plans
This is probably the hardest part of my notebook to discuss – mainly because I have asked him some of these questions and others are just too painful. I have asked what scripture passages he wants (to which he shrugged his shoulders and so I have put some ideas of my own in to share with the priests) and music. One of the songs we sang at a friend’s father’s funeral in college, and so it breaks my heart every time I hear it, is one he would like. Mental note to myself – get a copy of the sheet music.
Class As – if your firefighter does not have one for burial purpose’s Lighthouse Uniform will provide one for free for Fallen FFs. If you have a local uniform distributor, check with them. Local is always easier during these hard times.
Wedding ring – I wear his ring a third of the time. It is important to me. I will have his wedding ring on his hand for the services, but I will ask to have it removed before burial. I have a plain titanium ring that I bought him for work – which he doesn’t wear – that I will probably replace it with. It is important to me that he have a ring with him when we part ways in this world.
Burial – I have a folder of pictures that I will have printed out for his casket. If I don’t send him into a fire without pictures of us with him in his helmet, how I can I send him on to the next life without them. This set of pictures is constantly changing. I have a note in my notebook with their location, but it is not on my laptop to keep my husband shielded from them.
I also want to make sure he his buried with his St. Florian’s Medal and his half of our Mizpah coin. When I touch my half of the coin while he is on shift, it reminds me to say a prayer that he stays safe. When we are separated by death, it will continue to remind me to say a prayer.
A BIGGER question for burial is does he want to be buried? Would he prefer cremation? We have one plot. I will be cremated and under the headstone. He will be buried. Not easy questions and oh so awkward to even bring up. But, easier to know ahead of time.
Music – Speak with your FF, does he have a hymn that he has loved since he was a child. My husband and I met in our college choir and we did many pieces of sacred music that we fell in love with. Just as an example I have John Rutter’s The Lord is My Shepherd and Franz Biebel’s Ave Maria included in my list. No celebration of my husband’s life could be complete without these pieces that were such a big piece of his life. But, this also means you need to make arrangements with your church, parish or funeral home for musicians if they are not in your close circle of friends. Keep that in mind, also.
Readings – If you are at a loss for readings, there are several funeral planning guides out there for the general public. I have the Memphis Diocese’s Planning a Catholic Funeral bookmarked and I looked at a United Church of Christ guide, but there are so many others. Don’t feel you HAVE to be this specific. Your spiritual leader has done this many many times and will be of great assistance to you in your time of need. I just know that I am a control freak who will be out of control. I will need this much detail to feel quasi-comfortable. As with all of this information, do what works best for YOU. This is just my plan. Feel free to use it as a starting point, but it does not have to be a replica for your plan.
Readers and speakers – I have not yet asked him about this. Who do you want to speak? It can be a joint decision or just leave it up to him or have people in mind should the need arise. Make a note and be sure to add their phone numbers to your phone list.
Photographer – I would like one. The images might be more than the kids and I can take at that moment in time, but they will eventually be a beautiful reminder of a beautiful service commemorating a beautiful life. Your department might just provide one. PLEASE be sure to check with you church or parish BEFORE the service. Many are okay with photographers as long as no flash is used, but you want to be certain.
Pall Bearers – Another list of people I have not been able to ask him about. Does he want our oldest son, both boys or none of the above? Only if they are adults? Only FFs or family as well? I am sure there is a protocol for an LODD, but I want to make sure that I have his input.
Badges – When my FF retires, he wants to give each of our muppets (our nickname for our lovely children) a set of replica badges – one of each level he achieved in the department. For my funeral plan section, I thought it would be a nice touch to give each of the Muppets a replica of his current badge, as well as a mini shield key ring from his current helmet shield.
ME – I have a note to make sure someone makes appointments for me to get my hair and make-up done. I am not going to be able to stop crying long enough to put on mascara, so I am hoping someone else doing it will be enough of a distraction that we can get through that part.
I have taken the section of the Survivor’s guide that provides a Contact Form (p. 15) and printed out several copies of that. You need to know who you are talking to, about what and when. This just makes it so much easier to recall. You are going to be calling sooooo many people.
Along with these, you will need death certificates. The guide suggests that you get 20, I have a note to get 25. It is cheaper to get them en masse than it is to order a few more at a later time. Make a list of all the places that will require this – banks, insurance, etc. And then order extras.
This is such a personal issue, please read through this section of the guide carefully. It does indeed vary by where you are in life. Make sure to research what benefits you are entitled to, through your department, state and the federal government. There are many scholarship opportunities for children of firefighters who gave all, please take advantage of them.
One Last Thing…
The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone. No matter how you feel like you are on a desolate island, all by yourself, you are never alone. Your family, your department and firewives from around the world are here to lean on. Please be sure you reach out any of these resources, even if you only need to hear that things will be okay.
Don’t let this overwhelm you. Don’t try and plan this all in one day. Take to your firefighter and your family. Simply know that there is a reference that is available for you in your time of need.
Love those firefighters like there is no tomorrow. Don’t waste a single minute. And know that no matter what life throws at you, you are indeed Fire Strong!
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