You made it!!! It’s the last chapter of a book that seemed like a pretty quick read thanks to some of the humorous writing.
So we dive out of the bedroom and into the deep love stuff for the last chapter. Page 222 (in the hardcover) or the very beginning of Chapter 9 is a good summary of what you’ve learned so far. (So if you’re cheating, skip ahead and read that.)
So what is LOVE? That’s the big question here at the end.
Here are some lines on this point that really struck me:
- The truth is that love is so over- and misused that we struggle to come up with any common meaning or understanding of it….Sometimes we mean “I have strong romantic emotions towards you.” Other times, it’s “I really need you in my life right now.” Still other times it’s “I’m glad I can count on you to help me right now.”
- “When you love someone, you wish the best for that person. You want nothing but the absolute best life for that person – even if that best life doesn’t include you in it.”
- Actually I REALLY liked that line. Once I got over the whole high school true love cliche “If you love someone let them go and if it was meant to be they will come back to you.” GAG! And then I had to get over the whole he’s not saying to divorce or separate from someone either. Here is what I think he really means in fire wife terms. Let him, no encourage him, to stay after for coffee with the chief, go to that extra training, do the extras he has to do to be the best firefighter. That’s his career and a man wants to do his career well to provide for us. So give him permission and freedom to do just that. No he isn’t right beside you but that is what makes him happy and what makes the best life for him. That’s what you do for someone who loves you. (And again, not a free pass to be completely absent from your marriage by the way.)
- Can you honestly say you love your spouse? I don’t mean what is easiest or more convenient or materially valuable. And i don’t mean what makes it better for you. I mean what is best for your spouse. The best health. The best physical environment, the best job, the best family, the best challenges, the best friends, the best mentors and or course, the best spouse.
- The Four R’s of Forgiveness.
- I have to say this was a key to turning around our marriage, I mean myself. Because really I just changed my approach. I swallowed my pride, looked inside to see what I could change, the one who said I do, and initiated. Even though he was been an awful stinky boy and totally didn’t deserve it.
- Distinguishing between regret and guilt (Listen up ladies! We are so bad about this stuff!)
- Guilt is a debilitating preoccupation wit our bad feelings about our behavior. It often leads us to beating ourselves up, which leads up to paralyzing inaction. Regret, on the other hand, generates action; we are compelled to make things better.
Did you read the story in the conclusion called “The Strength to Stay Calm”? Totally worth it. In fact, have your outlandish acting teenagers read it as well. Very powerful.
(And because I missed her email earlier….you also get a week 9 message from Michele!)
Well, I can’t believe this is our last week for ScreamFree Marriage. I’m so excited about the marriages and lives that are changing through this study! This is a long chapter with some great information. It’s also another one that I had to read over and over, really think about it, and let it sink in. This chapter makes you think about what it means to REALLY love your spouse AND what it means to grow into that full self.
One of my favorite quotes by Hal is: “It’s easier to complain than to change.” That is so true in so many areas and especially in marriage. It took me a long time to realize that (and I’m still working on it). Coming from a divorced home I always want everything to be happy, happy, happy (for you Duck Dynasty fans-ha). I was (and sometimes still am) afraid of conflict and it took me a long time to know how to share my feelings. I was immature and needy. Boy, was I needy. I could also really fly off the handle. That’s why when I came across ScreamFree I was a little skeptical because I did not want to focus on me. It’s all HIS fault, right? Wrong, I had to realize MY part in the pattern and ask forgiveness.
So this chapter is all about love and forgiveness. Do we really love our spouse? Do you wish for, hope for, pray for what is absolutely best for your spouse? (p. 226) Are you able to combine “I love you” and “I do”?
I can’t say if any better than Hal does in the workbook: “You are the CEO of your life so you have the power to make changes right now.”
You really can have the marriage of your dreams, and you really can be the person you’ve always dreamed of being, and thankfully, the two are related. p. 222
What do you think about this definition of love?
When you love someone, you want the best for that person. You want nothing but the absolute best life for that person-even if that best life doesn’t include you in it. It is simply not as helpful as it temporarily feels to justify your own shortcomings by comparing them to your spouse’s. This is about you, not your spouse. p. 231
You are offering an apology because you made a proclamation, “I love you”, and a promise, “I do”. And you, as a person of growing integrity, don’t take such things lightly. You actually mean to live up to this proclamation, and this promise-even if your spouse doesn’t reciprocate. Or forgive you. Or even appreciate your effort. And that makes you a rare creature in this world-a person of character. It makes you a person of integrity.
And paradoxically, that makes you much more attractive to your spouse. p. 238( I personally feel this is one of the most profound statements in this chapter. As the wife of a firefighter, we sometimes “hold it against” our FF for the tough schedule and hours he has to work. If we can start to combine the “I love you” and “I do” and practice ASR we can build a connection that will bring us closer than ever to our FF.)
Let’s discuss…..you know the routine by now. Pick one or more of these items and comment in the comments below:
1. How did it strike you when he talked about you saying “I do” and the first part being “I”, not “we”?
2. Guilt versus Regret. Where do you struggle with guilt that needs to eliminated? What is an example of a “healthy” regret you have and what action did it generate?
3. What is one area you can improve on wanting the best for your spouse?
4. The 4 R’s. When is a time you have recognized and initiated the step towards calming down and maturity? How did you spouse react?
5. Resolve – was there ever a time you thought you didn’t want to be married and how did you fight your way back to having a strong resolve?
6, What is one thing you do that you would like to change because it would make your FF happy and bring you closer to a successful marriage?
7. Homework: If you have time, watch the movie 42 with your FF this week. The movie is a little different at one point than the book but I believe it’s because Hollywood does not understand the Screamfree movement-ha!
God bless you all on your ScreamFree journey and keep us posted!!
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When you love someone, you want the best for that person. You want nothing but the absolute best life for that person-even if that best life doesn’t include you in it.-Love your description of this! It’s exactly how I felt but just could not figure out how to explain it!
Did anyone else just basically highlight this WHOLE CHAPTER???!!! Lol! 🙂
1. How did it strike you when he talked about you saying “I do” and the first part being “I”, not “we”?
This is honestly how we’ve both kind of always viewed it. We both made this commitment- till we die- even when we don’t like each other sometimes. 🙂
2. Guilt versus Regret. Where do you struggle with guilt that needs to eliminated? What is an example of a “healthy” regret you have and what action did it generate? I can beat myself up for a LONG time about things from the past, situations I haven’t handled well, etc. And when I do, it’s really just robbing today of it’s joy. It’s definitely a process. As far as healthy regret: I think any time I’ve flown off the handle with kids or with Adam, and then later apologized is a great example of that. I have a lot easier time apologizing to the kids about it than I do Adam. I am not good at that with him. He is a LOT better than me!
3. What is one area you can improve on wanting the best for your spouse? The part about wanting the very best spouse for him. Man, that hit home. I act like a spoiled brat way too often. I am not giving him that, because my love has too often been selfish….looking at what I need/deserve instead of what he deserves. yikes!
4. The 4 R’s. When is a time you have recognized and initiated the step towards calming down and maturity? How did you spouse react? During the love dare a few weeks ago, when I asked him what I could change/improve without responding. Whew! It was tough. But I know he really appreciated me asking.
6, What is one thing you do that you would like to change because it would make your FF happy and bring you closer to a successful marriage?
It is really hard to narrow it down to one thing here. I need to not give him a guilt trip about the volunteer station…but even as I type that I’m thinking, but SERIOUSLY…he’s now got the FT station, the PT station, the dispatch center, and the volunteer station. I refuse for home to be the place that gets the leftover scraps all the time…The balance of being supportive but expecting reasonable participation at home is probably my very hardest struggle with the FF life. I am so torn on it.
I know I need to be more giving in the “doing it” as my pal Lyn Blackbund likes to say. I turn him away much too often, but as I mentioned before, I feel “justified” in doing so as he only ever seems to reach out and be affectionate at all when he wants something.
And here I am trying to justify each thing that I should just be doing better at. Obviously, I’ve got a ways to go.
I love your raw honesty Cori. It’s inspiring. I know how hard it is to look inside sometimes and realize that you can improve.
Thank you for sharing this Cori! I felt the same way about this chapter!
One thought I had…what if you tried for one week to not give him a hard time about all that he’s involved in? Maybe, just maybe, he will notice and that would pull him closer to home-literally. And, combine that with “doing it” and look out! You may be wishing he would go back to all his “jobs’. LOL Then you could keep extending it for another week, then other week, and soon you will find you have broken the pattern!
MIchele- Thank you- that is a really good tip. I can do anything for a week, right?! 🙂
YES! Please keep us posted. But remember-it will seems like you are being more “naggy” than ever it’s because you are seriously trying to change which makes you more aware. You’re human so stay firestrong!
First, let me say that this book has been incredible. I have loved every chapter and what it has helped me do in my marriage.
1. How did it strike you when he talked about you saying “I do” and the first part being “I”, not “we”? Like Cori, this is how we’ve always looked at it.
2. Guilt versus Regret. Where do you struggle with guilt that needs to eliminated? What is an example of a “healthy” regret you have and what action did it generate?
I feel incredibly guilty sometimes for the way I distance myself from his children. Our parenting styles are so different and when his children are defiant, it is hard for me to connect. Probably when we had a late night chat about some difficult topics the other night. I know how much he is frustrated by these because they frequently turn into feelings being hurt, etc. The next morning, I poured my heart out in an email and told him how much I loved him and what he means to me.
3. What is one area you can improve on wanting the best for your spouse?
I think I do pretty good in this area. But, if I had to choose an area, I would say overtime. He almost always turns it down and I think he feels like he is judged for it at the fire house.
4. The 4 R’s. When is a time you have recognized and initiated the step towards calming down and maturity? How did you spouse react?
The other night, he made a passive aggressive comment to get under my skin. He pushed me to engage in a back and forth and I literally said “pause…I can’t have this conversation until I calm down.” He was shocked…
5. Resolve – was there ever a time you thought you didn’t want to be married and how did you fight your way back to having a strong resolve?
OMG yes…I have frequently questioned if I am the right fit for his family. We have had serious behavioral issues with his children and it has taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally. The stress has caused me to go into deep depressions at times and I’ve questioned it. We worked through it by communicating openly about how I was feeling and how I got there. It is still a struggle at times, but with his support and the support of a few close online friends, I push those thoughts away.
6, What is one thing you do that you would like to change because it would make your FF happy and bring you closer to a successful marriage?
I would like to learn how to let go. I am a massive control freak and when things don’t go my way, I get anxious and head into a downward spiral of being unhappy.
7. Homework: If you have time, watch the movie 42 with your FF this week. The movie is a little different at one point than the book but I believe it’s because Hollywood does not understand the Screamfree movement-ha!
I always love hearing your thoughts Heather! So proud of you for taking a pause!!!
1. I’ve always been a big believer that if I want something to change, I need to be the one to change, not anyone else. So this wasn’t really anything new to me.
2. Sometimes I feel guilty asking for help around the house or working part time because my husband works so hard at the station that I feel like I should be doing all the work around the house. I know this isn’t healthy and he never makes me feel that way, it’s just something I need to let go of and not let it bother me.
A healthy regret is that I used to be a lot more possessive of him and he was missing out on time with his dad and his brother, so I learned to let go a little and not make it so hard for him to go out with them sometimes. You wouldn’t believe the positive change that brought in our marriage! He was happier, I felt like I was being a better wife, we both win! And it made him more willing to schedule time for just us.
3. I think what I just described above can fit in here too. When he’s not on shift, I want him to myself because I miss him and I want to “make up for lost time”. He has explained to me time and again that he can’t always spend all his free time with me, and he needs to make time to see other people too. This is very obviously an area where I am selfish and do not want what’s best for him, but what’s best for me. We have both worked on this a lot and have met in the middle where he will try to plan ahead time without me so I can prepare for it and not feel let down when he goes somewhere without me and then I won’t make him feel guilty for not spending that time with me. This took a lot of hard work and there’s still room for improvement but it is sooooo much better than it was a few years ago.
6. I’d like to be “looser” so to speak. I’m really uptight all the time and I’d like to be able to let stuff roll off my back more and just go with the flow, stop planning every second and just live for the moment. My husband is such a spontaneous, easy going guy that I often feel like I am a downer for him. I don’t want to be so rigid all the time. I realize there’s a time and a place to make plans and you do have to think about the future sometimes, but when he wants to dance with me in the kitchen while I’m making dinner, I should put everything down and dance with him instead of pushing him away and telling him I need to get my stuff done before I relax. I need to focus on having more fun! It shouldn’t be so hard, but it is.
Your last one is so me!
If you have any tips for how to get looser, I’m all ears!
I wish I had some tips. I need them too! One thing is I just have to realize that it can’t get it all done. What has to last has to come first…and that is our marriage. Maybe put some reminders around the house.
Yes! When I am in the zone, which is pretty much always (very task oriented!), I am way too uptight as well. Maybe we can figure this out together. 🙂
Humm…seems like this is pretty common with all of us! Let’s just pick a time in the next few days to, as they say, JUST DO IT! Let that little voice inside your head remind you that we will be reporting back to each other on how it goes. Also, we can initiate the spontaneous! Maybe lure him into the bedroom at an unusual time, don’t do dishes right away and go for a walk (if you have older kids), leave the laundry and sit on the porch and have a drink (tea or whatever-ha).
Yes, gonna do it!
Alright, so I let loose last night….and again this morning. 😉 We’ve had a great day. Productive, but playful. Sweet and fun. So, here’s the question….he’s headed off for over 36 hours beginning in the morning….what do I do so that when re-entry to the house occurs on Wednesday night, and we’ve both been through all kinds of things and stress separately during that time…. how do we keep the good times rolling like we never had that “break”?
Whoo hoo!!! I can tell you that this is very difficult in our home as well. Totally agree with Heather. As it comes time for him to be home make sure you are getting ready for it and setting a good tone at home. Don’t hit him when he walks in with all the negative things that have happened. Greet with a smile/hug, maybe a good supper. If you need time to talk then do so later but try and end the night with some “couple time”. Even if that does not include sex (and hopefully it will) you can end on a happy note which makes him anxious to come home the next time. Main thing is not to be resentful of everything you have put up with while he was gone. Remember he has been through tough stuff as well. Just had this thought-how about laying out something sexy for him to see when he gets home? If you don’t want kids to see you could wrap it up!
@Coridiane…I send a lot of little messages throughout his time away. I’ve also been known to hide things in his bag he takes to the fire house…like sweet treats, love notes and yes…even a pair of panties.
Make sure you let him know at random times throughout the day how much fun you had with him, how much you miss him and how you can’t wait to see him again.
Hummm..I’m going to do this next shift! Love it.
Great ideas gals!! Thanks!
1. How did it strike you when he talked about you saying “I do” and the first part being “I”, not “we”?
*sigh* Haven’t gotten to that part of our relationship as of yet, but when I think about what I see in the future, I know I want to work on this and do what I need to do to improve myself along the way. He’s not ready to get married again. I know that. I don’t blame him either from what I’ve learned of his first marriage.
2. Guilt versus Regret. Where do you struggle with guilt that needs to eliminated? What is an example of a “healthy” regret you have and what action did it generate?
I’ve always felt guilty because I’ve got a LOT of PTSD issues and leftover baggage from growing up. I’m still learning to let that go. I have been working on learning how to handle my own triggers much better and that includes any arguments and feelings of possible abandonment when I confront someone I care about. I usually regret yelling at someone almost immediately after I do and am often “afraid” because I worry about losing the one I yell at.., I have done both in front of my FF and once at him. Working through this program has given me a bit more of a voice to say what I want to say before I bottle things up enough that I end up yelling. I think I’ve only ended up blowing up at my son once since I started reading the book. Unfortunately for the kid, EVERY female in the house was on his case that week because his behavior was completely unacceptable.
3. What is one area you can improve on wanting the best for your spouse?
When I was reading the book, one thing the author said that hit home was how if you really love someone you want what is best for them, even if that doesn’t include you. At that point, I know he still communicates with his ex, more about the kids than anything else because they have to, but I also figure that 22 years of marriage and the fact that they spend more time together than we have over the last three months MIGHT be an indication they were trying to work on things again. My mind making things up.. but it went there. I remember thinking that if it really was better for him, and his boys, then I would step back and let it go. All I did that night was send a prayer up and went to work.
I actually started crying because I hadn’t gotten to speak with my FF for way too long and he wasn’t responding for whatever his particular reasons were. This went on for several more days. Then out of the blue he asked me to come down and talk.. and we talked a whole lot about a lot more than I ever expected. I learned that he actually hadn’t even gotten to speak with his boys, much less see them and he was barely speaking with his ex at this time. Apparently she sends him text updates on what she’s doing with the kids regarding school/sports and where they are going and if he has time he’s welcome to join. I also got an insight into what their relationship was really like and it turns out it was 22 years of not communicating and not so loving. I don’t want to go down that path. EVER.
4. The 4 R’s. When is a time you have recognized and initiated the step towards calming down and maturity? How did you spouse react? I’m guilty of overreacting too often. I am becoming much more self aware of when I am starting to get to where I’m going to regret my next word, thankfully so I’m taking a big breath and shutting up.
I’ve done this once when my FF and I were talking about a serious issue between us. I think it surprised him. He’s much more quiet so he really didn’t say anything at the time.
5. Resolve – was there ever a time you thought you didn’t want to be married and how did you fight your way back to having a strong resolve? When I was on a travel assignment and found out he was with someone else at the same time as me. I took a couple of months, told him to get his head straight while I got my heart back to pieces and then went from there. I realized while we were apart I really did want to work on things and he decided he did too. We’ve both been making compromises ever since.
6, What is one thing you do that you would like to change because it would make your FF happy and bring you closer to a successful marriage? Be physically closer. Seriously, I think that the fact we are three hours apart is one stress that I have freedom to change that he can’t. Unfortunately I think I would probably be unhappy right now if I did so because my family needs me where I am at.
7. Homework: If you have time, watch the movie 42 with your FF this week. The movie is a little different at one point than the book but I believe it’s because Hollywood does not understand the Screamfree movement-ha!
Will try one of these days..
Oh. my FF saw the movie FireProof on my dresser, picked it up and tossed it back. This was not long after our conversation about his prior marriage. I’m thinking he has seen it and wasn’t impressed. :/