We have heard this comment so often in fire wife discussions and no doubt does it bring an undercurrent of distrust and lack of transparency in marriage.
Scenarios range from husbands picking random girls on Facebook and starting a “get to know you chat” to old friends who come back into their life, to ex’s who want to “keep in touch”, to even co-workers, colleagues, and friends who start to ‘cross that line’ in private messages.
By the way this applies to all social media platforms, websites and text messaging, we aren’t picking on Facebook. Any place you could have a private one-on-one conversation with a member of the opposite sex. AND…it goes for you wives as well. We know that it isn’t just men, we just happen to hear from more women here at FirefighterWife.com.
Listen, we all know men and women are going to interact with each other all the time in life. That’s how it works. So if you are one of those spouses whose skin crawls every time your other half is in contact with someone else, you definitely have some significant issues to work on in your marriage. That’s not where we are going here, that’s something you can and should seek resolution for out though.
What we are going to talk about is healthy boundaries.
In fact, this all boils down to one simple test. The Coffee Talk Test.
What is The Coffee Talk Test?
Picture this – Could you sit in a coffee shop and have the same interactions and conversations with that person outside of your marriage… with your spouse also at the table? Does your spouse find this appropriate or would there be a problem for them to be able to see and hear your interaction?
That’s simple, right?
It doesn’t get any more simple than that. It really be applied to every relationship. All marriages will have different boundaries based on your individual needs, but this test works for any marriage.
As long as you are not recently recovering from an infidelity in your marriage, this test should always work.
May this topic open some healthy growth conversations in your marriage!
Find Your Way through the Fire Life with Fire Wife Academy
This self-paced course covers all of the best topics from our book, Honor and Commitment: Standard Life Operating Guidelines for Firefighters & Their Families.
It's designed for women who are new to fire life. From just engaged to newlyweds, to long-time wives who find themselves thrust into a new life when their spouse becomes a firefighter later in marriage. This sister, is for you!
This course includes an intro, overview, additional resources and challenges for each of the 17 chapters you'll find inside of Honor and Commitment. Plus a Bonus Module: More Than A Fire Wife.
Latest posts by Firefighter Wife (see all)
- To My Dear Husband, I Am Worried Your Heart Has Hardened - April 26, 2023
- The Fire Department is Destroying Us All - April 3, 2023
- Have you normalized DefCon5 in your house? - December 9, 2022
My feeling about this is if you have to hide it then it’s wrong. I don’t care if the excuse is well my wife is jealous. She has a reason to be jealous. Sneaking is a major cause. I like the Starbucks situation.
My husband and I will be married 35 year’s in june. Have I ever had a thought he was or had an affair or even though of him doing it doesn’t even crossing my mine. But for him it’s the opposite but after our first 3 year’s that stoped. I told him god chose him for me & me only & I never would have married him if there we’re any doubts. But anything can happen but we put god first we have had our share or troubles but you talk it out & let the other one know what your feeling & why. My husband worked away for more than a month at a time. He has worked with as many women as he has men & I have worked with as many men as women. We have also did councilor to but it was because we both agreed that it couldn’t hurt & with 3 children we both loved each other. We are in our 50s & both disable but we both still volunteer for the fire department and the department we we’re in before ran a ambulance service. We both have ambulance license he went back to school for his emt and I have my first responder. We we’re lucky we got to work together and we’re also are still in the other fire department & still volunteering. Some people don’t understand how we can spend all our time together. But I will say this our children are grown with children of their own now & it’s just the two us and I love spending all my time with him 24/7 365 day’s a year with him. If he’s gone for more than an hour I start to worry not about a woman but because of his health. Praying for all the ems worker’s & there family & praying for there safety and please remember that alot that happens on the job that they can’t talk about what happened because it’s against the law. Just pray for god to lead you.
There have actually been some problems (inappropriate text messages between male and female firefighters) at my hubby’s station. My husband says not to get involved or cause drama for the department. ( I support the other fire wives when they’re so heartbroken from the situation.) Sadly I received messages from another fire fighter and am afraid to say anything for fear of. “causing drama” for the department .
This is not a department issue. This is a personal issues. Address it as a personal issue. Just because someone is a firefighter at the same department, doesn’t mean you can’t address a topic that is inappropriate, like texting you inappropriately. Be supportive for those other heart broken wives. Or send them to our community for the Rescue My Marriage program (FirefighterWife.com/rescuemymarriage)
I Am having a problem like this My man is texting and calling a woman and its done in hiding , goes by her house and helps her mind you we have been together for many years , so asked him whats going on tells me she is only a friend, another item he has a tablet he uses and guess what only her number is on it and he wont introduce me to the other woman and to me this stuff is cheating. any suggestions or Ideas ?
You are right to feel this is not acceptable. He is giving intimately and in private to another woman, even if he does consider it just friendship. Have you asked him what we suggest in the video? Would you feel comfortable taking me to her house and having a conversation with the 3 of us? If not, then it’s crossing the boundaries of our marriage and interfering. You need to have the difficult conversation and be sure he is clear that you find this unacceptable in your marriage.
This is what has been happening in my life/marriage. My firefighter spouse (soon to be ex…filing in the next week), after 16+ years together…has been having LOTS of contact wiith a woman, he met out of state in the past 1.5 years while on his hiking trips. 2,975 text messages and hours of phone calls (many many even while he is on shift-1 day had 529 text & 3 hrs of calls). He decided to get a 2nd “secret”phone in the past week that isn’t on our family plan (I can’t track), so he can talk to her. He said she was a friend (similar to 1 of his male friends), but when I inadvertently got a few questionable text sent to me, meant for her…brought it up,he got defensive (he can’t trust ME, not to spy on him). Mind you, this other woman’s husband committed suicide in their yard less than 1 year before they were hiking together with their “group ” this summer. My spouse & her started their heavy communication at end of August. He has depression issues he blames me for & says that is the problem in our relationship, NOT HER.I told him she is a total obstacle & distraction, he of course disagreed.
We have a teen, dogs, home, bills etc. Tried couples counseling, but his own unresolved issues did not let that progress in a positive direction. (Btw, I personally have done some therapy, so I held up my end of what the couples counselor recommended for each of us).
Our son needs his dad to be a healthy person & my spouse doesn’t see that his is in an unhealthy (rebound-unstable) emotional infidelity relationship with this other woman. I am sooo angry, heartbroken that he is choosing this woman over “doing the work” for our family/vows…& that their are women who are fine being the other woman (she knew he ismarried & has a family), meddling (causing problems, hurting) in other people’s relationships/marriages.
The coffee talk test is a perfect example! If you have to hide it, it is not right & hurting people.
This is exactly what happened to my daughter while her husband was in probation. He has come home and left again 6 times in a year and a half for this other woman. They were together since they were teens. they have a beautiful daughter who is devastated. He changed once he got hired. 8 out of 10 at his station were having affairs.
I’m so sorry. That’s horrible. 🙁
What about some of husbands facebook friends who refuse your friend request? You let them know that they are friends with your husband.
I agree – if you wouldn’t have this type of relationship in front of your wife, why have it behind her back? Or if you think Jesus wouldn’t approve, it isn’t right. My firefighter and I have total transparency – I have access to his phone at any point in time, and he has access to mine. We had issues when we first got married of him emailing a friend inappropriately, and that stopped. Since then, as we’ve gotten closer to God, we’ve gotten closer together.
this is what actually just ended my marriage of almost 10 years……he was messaging a female coworker inappropiate messages 3 years ago and I discovered them as it was happening. we were not able to work things out, but according to my FF, our marriage had been over for 5 years anyways.
What about the quantity of text messages? Is there a line that it is too much? Like getting daily texts and “good morning” texts from another women?
Started out as business associates, but then turned into almost daily texting.
Feel there is nothing on my husbands side, as all he does is answer. But feels like she is crossing a line.
I have talked to him about it. He was very defensive and the talk wasn’t great. I finally asked him how he would feel if the situation was reversed…he said he probably wouldn’t like it. No kidding! He asked what I want him to do and I have only ever answered that with “Do what you would want me to do if the situation was reversed” I have never told him to stop. But he has started to ignore some of the texts and not respond. Others with short answers and not keeping the conversation going. This has slowed the texting on her end. And now he tells me when she does text. It’s okay right now and I do trust him (and she lives 12 hours away, so it is not like they see each other). I guess I should be happy with that.
Unfortunately too much one on one with someone other than your spouse is a set up for disaster. It starts out innocently then as more and more boundaries are crossed, just a little bit over time they can start the negative comparisons. I enjoyed watching the series The Affair. I liked how they showed the different memories from different characters. Very enlightening.
I was that female co-worker and on my side intentions we completely brotherly. I was concerned about his mental health and he would talk about his struggles in his marriage I would always direct him to his marriage and his wife and look to get other help. Sometimes in the fire house I hate to say it but we are down right in appropriate like a bunch of high school boys a lot of it is for exceptance etc. what I’m getting at is we would speak daily and sometimes would share what we thought were funny memes etc. I was very open with my husband he would even almost be a third to the conversation as I knew that there is a line of respect for another’s marriage and sometimes I think it is easier to blame the other person such as me then your spouse. I guess what I’m getting at is out of respect to them I no longer talk to him unless it is completely work related and although it sucks because he was my friend and our kids got along and we basically are neighbors I choose the importance of his family over our friendship. But I just really wish she would have said something to me or I could at least speak with her to help her ease her mind so she isn’t stressed any time we work together. It’s an awful feeling being pegged as the “other women” and in this case it was completely misconception. But instead he was the middle man and she won’t even look at me. That’s hard. I have so much respect for her and their family.
I assumed my husband’s FF girlfriend was a friend of our marriage. I was so wrong. I wholeheartedly trusted him working out with her on their days off. They worked at different Depts, but then they added multiple phone calls a day, texting, moving on to coffee dates, then their worst. It’s self inflicted drama, showing neither marriage or family any respect. And as a woman, I shouldn’t judge all by a few bad apples, but it is hard for me now when he works a shift with a woman. I never used to give it a second thought.
I’m pleased to recommend BILL, a private hacker for any hacking related issues of your interest. I got in contact with him when i was having problems with my cheating husband and needed help in getting evidence against him in court, Bill helped me hack into my husband’s phone and in no time i started seeing his chats and messages, call records including access to his recently deleted conversations… I”m so glad i got in contact with Bill, He is also into various jobs such as Facebook hacking, whats-app hacking, phone hacking, snapchat, Instagram, we-chat, phone text messages, hangouts and so on.. You can contact him by email: billhackwizard @ gmail .com, text him on: +1(314) 230-8385, you can also chat him up on whats-app:- +1(314) 635 7319., you should contact him today and see for yourself, remember to tell him Sofia referred you.
As a wife, you will be curious who your husband is always texting and chatting with online. If he is prone to do this, you will need hard evidence in order to call him out for misconduct. But you can’t do this successfully without the right hacker. Tracking specialist like tomcyberghost @ gmail com lets you do this on every device platform, be it Android or the iOS, and you are also able to go through all his instant messaging applications like Whatsapp, Facebook, Wechat, Twitter, Snapchat and any other social platform he may be signed up on. Even if he is using dating apps like Tinder, you will be able to know he is in contact with.
Text/Call +1(559) 202-3162 &WhatsApp: +1(304) 745-7645
Lucky came my way when I read Sharon’s post where she talked about a hacker who helped her out a month ago.Its hard to put in words how much of a Genius he is and also can’t stop thanking him for helping her through her divorce case. In my own case the money wasn’t the problem and I can gladly say every penny spent was worth it. I have referred some of my close friends to him and all have been immensely satisfied with the top notch hacking service he offers. To whoever is lucky enough to read this, it’s a fresh start for me and I am only doing this for those genuine people out there who would want the services of a hacker. You can hire him if you need any hacking service through his edetails..email : adriancyberghost@gmail com Text/call: + 1470 2 5 3 1986 or Whatsapp + 1 775 374 4344. he’s always available online.
I’ve been ripped off so many times out of desperation trying to find urgent help to track,hack and monitor my spouse cell phone remotely, finally my friend introduced me to a reliable, honest and ethical hacker who work with discretion and delivers, he does all sorts of hacks but he helped me in gaining full access to my cheating spouse Call Log, Fb Messenger,Text messages, email,deleted messages, facebook, whatsapp, instagram and snapchat. I will forever be grateful to ADRIAN and always recommend him to anyone with the same problem out there and need the same help to reach out to him because I already made him my permanent hacker and you can as well enjoy his services cos he always keeps to his words and never disappoint. Contact him through….. Email: adriancyberghost@gmail .com or Text/ Call on +1 4 70 253 1986. Whatsapp: +1 775 374-4344. Request for any hacking services and also endeavor to spread the good news on how he helped you. Tell him I referred you.
This honest and professional hacker into my partner’s cell phone remotely without physical access and without him knowing. I will forever be grateful to him for exposing my partner’s infidelity lifestyle because he is a God sent.
Adrian gained me full access to read my husband text messages, Call logs, Emails, Facebook messenger, instagram and Whatsapp messages as they come directly into his phone without his knowledge and without being traced back to me. He’s an efficient hacker and PI cos he will never expose your confidential data to anyone and very honest and trustworthy cos i can vouch for him and his services delivery.
You can reach out to him for any kind of help through the details below….
Email: adriancyberghost@gmail com
Text or Call him on: +1 470 2531986
Whatsapp: +1 (775) 374-43 44
Tell him I referred you and thank me later and you can also meet him if you are in the states
I will always recommend him because he keeps to his words.
I hire the services of Adriancyberghost@gmail. com to be able to grant me remote access to my husband’s cell phone account. We just recently got back together after we separated for sometime due to him having an affair, he begged me severally and i decided to give him another chance. But lately i noticed he keeps late night out and whenever he is back home, he spends way too much time chatting on the phone. I have a strong feeling he might just be cheating again; Then i seek for please adriancyberghost@gmail com help to hack his phone so that i can access all his activities there and view his messages and conversations. This ethical hacker hacker gain me a full access in few hours and i was able to have access to everything on his phone and his password was sent to me. You can contact him thoght
Email: adriancyberghost@gmail com, Text or call him on +1 (470) 253 1986.
Whatsapp: +1 775 374 4344 for help cos he is the only ethical hacker online that deliver results without delay and highly recommended by everyone.
NEED A HACKER?
RecoveryMasters are currently collecting funds
back for all victims who fall into scam, Hurry up and
contact them, explain your situation, they will help you
and in affordable fees all crypto scam
funds, bitcoin scam , investment scam, Password, Bypass / Recovery Malware Removal / Criminal Record Expunge, Blank ATM Card, Social Media Hack, Remote Mobile Monitoring & Hacking, Credit Repair and Private Key Reset contact RecoveryMasters
I just want to share the good
news with people who need help. contact them immediately
(Recoverymasters@email.cz) whatsapp +1(551) 202-23-35website; https://recoverymasters.wixsite.com/recoverymaster Don’t forget to mention Harry Betz recommended you
I lost $50,000 in fake online trading.. I was phoned out of the blue by a stranger offering unsolicited advice on investments, I was vulnerable, depressed and I was willing to do anything to regain my money. I was offered guaranteed returns but nothing happened. I was very embarrassed by the scam and couldn’t go to anyone for help until I came across Wizard James Recovery/Hacking Services. They are very reliable and helped me in recovering all my stolen funds, they can be reached via: EMAIL:firstname.lastname@example.org
Need help in gaining access or password to Facebook, gmail, instagram, yahoomail, snapchat, twitter , hotmail and various blogs etc. Password retrieval , clear debt , application crack, change of school grades, professional hacking into institution servers, clearing of criminal records,ip tracking and general tracking operations.their service knows no bound, contact them HACKINGGLOBAL AT PROTONMAIL COM
I was scammed out of $267,500 in a fake online trading investment company. I was phoned out of the blue by a stranger offering unsolicited advice on investments, I was vulnerable, depressed and I was willing to do anything to regain my money. I was offered guaranteed returns but nothing happened. I was very embarrassed by the scammer and couldn’t go to anyone for help until I came across Wizard James. There are very reliable and helped me in recovering all my stolen funds, they can be reached via:
WHATSAPP: +44 7418 367204.
I had trust issues and doubted my spouse for a very long time. I tried spying on his phone using some apps but I wasn’t successful until I contacted a very good hacker. He spied on my husband, got access to his text messages, call records, what’s app, Viber e.t.c and exposed his infidelity, contact him via mail at wizardcyberfileshacker@gmail .com He does a great job