We have heard this comment so often in fire wife discussions and no doubt does it bring an undercurrent of distrust and lack of transparency in a marriage.
Scenarios range from husbands picking random girls on Facebook and starting a “get to know you chat” to old friends who come back into their life to ex’s who want to “keep in touch” to even co-workers, colleagues and friends who start to ‘cross that line’ in private messages. By the way this applies to all social media platforms and text messaging. Any place you could have a private one-on-one conversation with a member of the opposite sex. AND…it goes for you wives as well.
Listen, you all know men and women are going to interact with each other all the time in life. That’s how it works. So if you are one of those wives whose skin crawls every time your husband is in contact with another female, you definitely have some significant issues to work on in your marriage. That’s not where we are going here.
There are healthy boundaries.
In fact, this all boils down to one simple test. The Coffee Talk Test.
And as long as you are not recently recovering from an infidelity in your marriage, this test should always work. May this topic open some healthy growth conversations in your marriage!
The Coffee Talk Test
Could sit in a coffee shop and have the same interactions and conversations with that person of opposite sex… with your spouse also at the table?
That’s simple, right?
If you feel like you want to surround yourself with a community of people who not only get the fire life, but also value marriage, join one of our Online Communities. There is one for male firefighters in committed relationships, and one for women in a relationship with a firefighter. Marriage is not required, there are plenty of resources and tools dating couples need to prepare for the best marriage foundation, you can find those too! Full deatils at: 247commitment.org/join
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My feeling about this is if you have to hide it then it’s wrong. I don’t care if the excuse is well my wife is jealous. She has a reason to be jealous. Sneaking is a major cause. I like the Starbucks situation.
My husband and I will be married 35 year’s in june. Have I ever had a thought he was or had an affair or even though of him doing it doesn’t even crossing my mine. But for him it’s the opposite but after our first 3 year’s that stoped. I told him god chose him for me & me only & I never would have married him if there we’re any doubts. But anything can happen but we put god first we have had our share or troubles but you talk it out & let the other one know what your feeling & why. My husband worked away for more than a month at a time. He has worked with as many women as he has men & I have worked with as many men as women. We have also did councilor to but it was because we both agreed that it couldn’t hurt & with 3 children we both loved each other. We are in our 50s & both disable but we both still volunteer for the fire department and the department we we’re in before ran a ambulance service. We both have ambulance license he went back to school for his emt and I have my first responder. We we’re lucky we got to work together and we’re also are still in the other fire department & still volunteering. Some people don’t understand how we can spend all our time together. But I will say this our children are grown with children of their own now & it’s just the two us and I love spending all my time with him 24/7 365 day’s a year with him. If he’s gone for more than an hour I start to worry not about a woman but because of his health. Praying for all the ems worker’s & there family & praying for there safety and please remember that alot that happens on the job that they can’t talk about what happened because it’s against the law. Just pray for god to lead you.
There have actually been some problems (inappropriate text messages between male and female firefighters) at my hubby’s station. My husband says not to get involved or cause drama for the department. ( I support the other fire wives when they’re so heartbroken from the situation.) Sadly I received messages from another fire fighter and am afraid to say anything for fear of. “causing drama” for the department .
This is not a department issue. This is a personal issues. Address it as a personal issue. Just because someone is a firefighter at the same department, doesn’t mean you can’t address a topic that is inappropriate, like texting you inappropriately. Be supportive for those other heart broken wives. Or send them to our community for the Rescue My Marriage program (FirefighterWife.com/rescuemymarriage)
I Am having a problem like this My man is texting and calling a woman and its done in hiding , goes by her house and helps her mind you we have been together for many years , so asked him whats going on tells me she is only a friend, another item he has a tablet he uses and guess what only her number is on it and he wont introduce me to the other woman and to me this stuff is cheating. any suggestions or Ideas ?
You are right to feel this is not acceptable. He is giving intimately and in private to another woman, even if he does consider it just friendship. Have you asked him what we suggest in the video? Would you feel comfortable taking me to her house and having a conversation with the 3 of us? If not, then it’s crossing the boundaries of our marriage and interfering. You need to have the difficult conversation and be sure he is clear that you find this unacceptable in your marriage.
This is exactly what happened to my daughter while her husband was in probation. He has come home and left again 6 times in a year and a half for this other woman. They were together since they were teens. they have a beautiful daughter who is devastated. He changed once he got hired. 8 out of 10 at his station were having affairs.
I’m so sorry. That’s horrible. đ
What about some of husbands facebook friends who refuse your friend request? You let them know that they are friends with your husband.
I agree – if you wouldn’t have this type of relationship in front of your wife, why have it behind her back? Or if you think Jesus wouldn’t approve, it isn’t right. My firefighter and I have total transparency – I have access to his phone at any point in time, and he has access to mine. We had issues when we first got married of him emailing a friend inappropriately, and that stopped. Since then, as we’ve gotten closer to God, we’ve gotten closer together.
this is what actually just ended my marriage of almost 10 years……he was messaging a female coworker inappropiate messages 3 years ago and I discovered them as it was happening. we were not able to work things out, but according to my FF, our marriage had been over for 5 years anyways.
What about the quantity of text messages? Is there a line that it is too much? Like getting daily texts and “good morning” texts from another women?
Started out as business associates, but then turned into almost daily texting.
Feel there is nothing on my husbands side, as all he does is answer. But feels like she is crossing a line.
I have talked to him about it. He was very defensive and the talk wasn’t great. I finally asked him how he would feel if the situation was reversed…he said he probably wouldn’t like it. No kidding! He asked what I want him to do and I have only ever answered that with “Do what you would want me to do if the situation was reversed” I have never told him to stop. But he has started to ignore some of the texts and not respond. Others with short answers and not keeping the conversation going. This has slowed the texting on her end. And now he tells me when she does text. It’s okay right now and I do trust him (and she lives 12 hours away, so it is not like they see each other). I guess I should be happy with that.
Unfortunately too much one on one with someone other than your spouse is a set up for disaster. It starts out innocently then as more and more boundaries are crossed, just a little bit over time they can start the negative comparisons. I enjoyed watching the series The Affair. I liked how they showed the different memories from different characters. Very enlightening.
I was that female co-worker and on my side intentions we completely brotherly. I was concerned about his mental health and he would talk about his struggles in his marriage I would always direct him to his marriage and his wife and look to get other help. Sometimes in the fire house I hate to say it but we are down right in appropriate like a bunch of high school boys a lot of it is for exceptance etc. what Iâm getting at is we would speak daily and sometimes would share what we thought were funny memes etc. I was very open with my husband he would even almost be a third to the conversation as I knew that there is a line of respect for anotherâs marriage and sometimes I think it is easier to blame the other person such as me then your spouse. I guess what Iâm getting at is out of respect to them I no longer talk to him unless it is completely work related and although it sucks because he was my friend and our kids got along and we basically are neighbors I choose the importance of his family over our friendship. But I just really wish she would have said something to me or I could at least speak with her to help her ease her mind so she isnât stressed any time we work together. Itâs an awful feeling being pegged as the âother womenâ and in this case it was completely misconception. But instead he was the middle man and she wonât even look at me. Thatâs hard. I have so much respect for her and their family.
I assumed my husbandâs FF girlfriend was a friend of our marriage. I was so wrong. I wholeheartedly trusted him working out with her on their days off. They worked at different Depts, but then they added multiple phone calls a day, texting, moving on to coffee dates, then their worst. Itâs self inflicted drama, showing neither marriage or family any respect. And as a woman, I shouldnât judge all by a few bad apples, but it is hard for me now when he works a shift with a woman. I never used to give it a second thought.