Our Marriage Is Sexless

by | Everyday, Firefighter Marriage

We are here to honor, strengthen, support, and encourage fire service marriages.

Even if that means getting uncomfortable a bit and speaking into your bedrooms.  No need to raise your hands, but I hope that you can read this and find comfort knowing that it isn’t just you.  This is not only your struggle.

There is no one size fits all marriage.  Each and every single marriage has its differences, its successes, and its struggles.

Some struggles can be too hard to share.

For men and women alike, sharing that their marriage has little to no sex life can feel too heavy.  Not talking to each other about it makes it that much heavier and leaves too much room for speculation.

When you aren’t communicating, you’re setting yourselves up to come to your own conclusions.  Your mind is wandering to places of the worst kind thinking it’s an affair, a matter of not being attractive enough or thinking there is something wrong with you or them.  Are you chewing on these feelings and letting them affect your relationship even further?

There are so many reasons why your spouse may not be interested in having sex and most of these reasons can be helped or reversed.

Do not compare your sex life to that of others.

If you and your spouse are mutually happy with not having sex as often as other couples, you have no problem!  There is no room for comparison to other marriages.  What is right for one is not right for them all.

If I listed everything that could affect a couple’s sex life, the list would be a mile long.  To touch on a few, here is a shortlist…

  • Exhaustion
  • Work schedules
  • Medication Side Effects
  • PTSD
  • Depression
  • Medical Condition
  • Low Testosterone
  • Low Self Esteem
  • Pornography Addiction
  • Bitterness
  • Children

Shaking your head yes? I’m sure dozens have other things they could add to the list.

Our friends over at Engaged Marriage describe it like this:

Screenshot 2015-02-07 13.53.45


Now I’m going to say the most obvious statement that may make you want to run…

You have to talk about this to your spouse.

How does your spouse know you want to improve your intimacy if you haven’t told them?   Even in a marriage where there is enough sex, there may be something you want to change up.  And if you’ve been intimate with this person for 10 years, it may seem odd to say “Hey, I’d prefer if we…..”.   Being open verbally about moments where you are so vulnerable and open with each other physically may not be easy.

But have the courage to try and take that intimacy to the next level.



Just be sure your spouse knows that you love them no matter what but miss their touch and will do anything to help them work through what’s going on.  It’s likely to be a challenging conversation but when you take the courage to break through that wall there is progress.

Or, perhaps you have talked about the lack of sex in your marriage but you are at a standstill.

Someone who is depressed or struggling with PTSD or a medical side effect may just not be in a motivated enough place to know what to do.  It’s one of those seasons when you carry your spouse through the valley. If we don’t feel whole ourselves, it’s nearly impossible to give in your marriage.

Don’t Be Embarrassed.  This isn’t something obvious everyone should know.

Some problems could be solved as easily as learning each other’s Love Language and getting those love tanks filled back up. Maybe a helping hand around the house or other act of service to help carry the load. A nice massage at bedtime?

Others may require a visit to your doctor for tests and options, or perhaps a marriage counselor to help wounds that are preventing you from becoming intimate with your spouse. Do not let these concerns cause you to be embarrassed or ashamed. Working on your marriage, in any aspect, is admirable.

When there is no sex, work on your intimacy in other ways.



Perhaps there is something medically preventing you from the ultimate act of intimacy?  Being intimate doesn’t mean strictly sex, it can mean anything that brings closeness to your relationship.  In this situation you really have to be vocal and communicate clearly what you need when it comes to the intimacy that binds a relationship together.  So many simple acts can build intimacy. Actions, touching, sharing, anything that helps fill the emotional and mental need to be close to your spouse.  What works for the two of you?  I think that intimacy is more important than sex alone in any relationship but being on the same page about what that looks like as a couple is vital.  Everything in marriage takes work, and this is no exclusion.

This blog post is not enough to even cover the surface of this topic.  But we had to go there.  Because even though we talk a lot about how hot and sexy our firefighters are, many of you are hurt and missing the intimacy in your life.



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Jessie -

Just a small town girl married to a firefighter since 2008, but she's so much more than a Fire Wife. She's been a member of the FirefighterWife family since 2012 and knows marriage takes a lot of work, even when it's in the best seasons.


  1. Amanda

    Thank you for this article…just a big thank you.

  2. A

    If one of you has a suddenly lower sex drive that can’t be attributed to anything, get a physical! Saved me and hubby. He had been living with detrimentally low vitamin D, and is now unable to absorb it like other folks, and needs a supplement daily for his health. Sex was a tiny symptom of something that could have become a much scarier problem.

  3. Cynthia

    I am 36 lives in PA and my husband will not do anything with me since November of 14 and I have developed a health issue that he uses against me cause I hurt a lot and he keeps saying that I don’t want to be that kind of guy that will hurt you worse be he is hurting me more ways than one and he doesn’t want to talk about any of this. So it is like what do I do.

  4. Angie Baumann

    Im a Tucson woman with four kids. One from a previous relationship when I was younger. Im 36 and my firefighter husband and I have a 7, 5, & 3 year old together. We have been together ten years married for 7 of those. We have seperated and are living in different homes now. Our kids go back and forth. It has been 9 months now. I have serious medical problems and that was one of the root problems of our seperation. Although I still love him and would like to try and reconnect…I just don’t know how to start? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Jessie

      The Love Dare maybe?( 247commitment.org/thelovedare
      Or we always suggest to everyone finding a counselor, mentor or pastor to talk to depending on your beliefs/needs. That outlet is one everyone can benefit from. If he would be willing to go with you after you’ve been a few times or go on his own, that is great also.
      247commitment.org/marriage is where you will find out marriage resources.


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