Fire Life Wisdom {Making The First Move}

by | Communication, Everyday, Firefighter Marriage


I can’t count how many times I have heard someone say, “Why should I be the one to do all of the work?“.  I can agree, when your marriage is in a deadlock of frustration, it isn’t easy being the one to make the first move.  It isn’t easy to to look for a solution when your love tank is empty.  It isn’t easy giving it all you have when you feel like there is nothing left.

Did you make a commitment to forever?  Then why are you letting your justice trigger and stubbornness win?  This relationship is one of the most important of your lifetime.


There are no winners when you fight with your spouse.   Sometimes you have to give in first.

There are seasons where one spouse or the other is in a valley and needs the other to carry them.   It’s that simple.  And oh how I wish someone would explain that more specifically to the engaged couples and newlyweds.   (although it’s sometimes impossible to see through those honeymooner eyes).

There are also fights that could go on endlessly when two stubborn people marry each other.   There are no winners in that situation.

No one ever said marriage would be easy and all bliss and no effort.   They call it unconditional love.  I will love you through anything.   One spouse may be depressed or super stressed about work or just being a jerk and needing someone to point it out.  Or they may be flat out wrong and demanding for you to agree with them.

Your relationship is more important than the outcome of that argument.

So you have two options.

1.  Sit and stew about it.  Add passive aggressive fuel to the fire with your thoughts, words and actions.  Dig the knife deeper and tear even bigger wounds.

Or 2.  Take a deep breath.  Soften your heart.  And say “Hey, I don’t know what’s going on but this just doesn’t feel like us.  Let’s talk this over.”

The longer you choose option 1 because “It’s not fair!”, the deeper the wound to be healed.

Now here’s the key.  If it feels like it’s always you giving in and making the first move, then you must fill those love tanks back up to the point that you can have a rational conversation about this balance.  Have the conversation while you are in a healthy, loving space so you are equipped to prevent another break down, or to get out of it more quickly the next time.

Listen, obviously this doesn’t include abusive situations. We do not condone abuse and if your argument is more than just a marriage disagreement – this is not for you. Please seek professional help.


“In every disagreement in your marriage, remember that there is not a winner and a loser.  You are partners in everything, so you will either win together or lose together.   Always work together to find a solution.”

– Dave Willis




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This self-paced course covers all of the best topics from our book, Honor and Commitment: Standard Life Operating Guidelines for Firefighters & Their Families.

It's designed for women who are new to fire life.  From just engaged to newlyweds, to long-time wives who find themselves thrust into a new life when their spouse becomes a firefighter later in marriage.  This sister, is for you!

This course includes an intro, overview, additional resources and challenges for each of the 17 chapters you'll find inside of Honor and Commitment.  Plus a Bonus Module: More Than A Fire Wife.

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Jessie -

Just a small town girl married to a firefighter since 2008, but she's so much more than a Fire Wife. She's been a member of the FirefighterWife family since 2012 and knows marriage takes a lot of work, even when it's in the best seasons.


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