There is a vivid memory I have, a day in my life when I felt very alone and so incredibly abandoned. We all have these memories, days we never forget, feelings that were so deep they’re etched in our memories forever. One of mine is me standing in our front doorway, watching my husband leave for work at 6:00 am even though his start time was an hour later, and the ten-mile drive to his station took only minutes. I still remember the faded grey t-shirt, stained with our infant’s spit up, the sticky hand of our four-year-old clutching mine, and the weight of our new baby heavy in my arms. Tears streamed down my face blurring his form. The form of him walking to his truck; walking away from his family before he had to. At that time, I struggled to understand why. Why did he want to leave us? Why didn’t he want to have breakfast with his little girl, grab one last snuggle with a smiling baby, give me more love? Why did he love the fire department more than me?
I didn’t know what he was seeing; a hormonal new mother, an irrational mess, a crazy person who wouldn’t listen to a word he said. So, why bother? When we talk about it now, he tells me, “Of course I told you what was going on, didn’t I? I mean, what else could I say?” Well, he didn’t. Trust me. But therein lied our issues. He had no idea what to say to talk me off the ledge. He didn’t have the words. He felt like he was explaining it all as clearly as he could, and I felt like he was saying nothing at all.
What I really needed to hear was why this was a part of his job, and that it wasn’t about me.
I understand now a few things now that I didn’t then; a few things I wish someone had explained to me. You see, I saw it as a direct representation of how he felt about our family. I felt like he meant to hurt me each time he took away an hour that, in my opinion, still belonged to us. If someone had explained to me that this was a part of his job and that it was important for not only his reputation, but his health and safety, it would have spared me a lot of these days spent crying in the doorway. What I didn’t know then was most days he needed an extra thirty minutes to arrange his gear, to make sure everything was ready to go in case those tones went off at 7:01 am. Or that a lot of times he wanted to be there in case a call came in at 6:55 am; so that someone else wouldn’t have to spend an extra hour or two on shift because he didn’t come in early. I didn’t know that the reason he was home so often on time was because everyone else was leaving their family an hour early too. I just didn’t know. But I also never asked. I simply cried and stood there, I took it personally and made him feel horrible for performing a part of his job that is just as important as the rest.
I know now that sending him off with the last sight of me being devastated with tears streaming down my face, was also setting the tone for his day as much as mine. It made me mopey and grumpy, and it took him out of the frame of mine he needed to be in to do his job and do it well. I should have sent him off happy, smiling, and content in his marriage and family; not feeling guilty for doing his job.
There are a multitude of reasons that our husbands leave much earlier than they need to in order to be there at the official “start-time” of a shift. While you and I can run out the door ten minutes before we’re supposed to be in the office, they simply cannot. For the majority of firefighters, they simply want to be there for their brothers in case someone needs to duck out early or a “late call” comes in. Some sisters have mentioned that it’s just a courtesy. How many times have we wives breathed a sigh of relief that our husband wasn’t “held over?” Well, it was likely because someone else’s husband came in and took the call that came in ten minutes before our husband was off shift. There are sisters that say their husbands need time to grocery shop for the meals they’re going to eat on shift. Some of us believe that they simply want time to shoot the breeze with the shift who’s coming off, or discuss a new protocol or procedure. For some of us wives, we have those firefighters who simply need to check the boxes: gear in place, everything where it’s supposed to be and ready to go. And don’t we want that for them? Don’t we want them to feel secure and confident before say, running into a burning building? I think so. While some of us wives know this.
Imagine how it must be for a new firewife, or a new mom with an infant. It doesn’t always seem so clear.
For me, it took a lot of crying, a lot of self reflection and a lot of wasted time to realize that it wasn’t about me. I sure wish someone had spared me all that heartache and explained the reality of the situation. I wish someone had given my fireman the words. Take note firefighters: I needed to hear that it wasn’t about me, that he didn’t love the fire department more than me. I needed to be told that it’s just another part of the job. I could have used an ear that understood too. That’s what’s so great about the Sisterhood, the ability to come together and talk about this struggle and so many others. We talk with people who just get it. I encourage each and every one of you to reach out and discuss these issues, these heartaches, with women who understand. You may learn something you never knew, something like this.
Our family has done a few things over the years to lessen the “early shift day” struggle. We make new traditions. Dad may not have breakfast with us, but he wakes each kid up with a kiss and hug before he’s off, he’s their own “love alarm.” On days he comes off shift he picks the kids up from school, this gives them something to look forward to all day and lessens the difficulty of him not seeing them off the day before. We’ve started to realize that even though that stolen hour can sting sometimes, those extra hours we get can be pretty great.
Sometimes my fireman and I have lunch together on a random weekday, just us two, something we’d never be able to do if we both worked a nine to five. Often there are long stretches of days in the summer when Dad is home, the place is a complete madhouse, and the laughing never stops. What other kind of job affords those stretches of days off? Sometimes I don’t have to leave work midday when the school nurse calls because one of our kids redeposited their breakfast on the desk. Dad’s not on shift, he’s got it. Just this week my Firefighter got off shift early (and thank you to the husband who went in much earlier than normal to make it happen) and took our youngest to her first day of school in his uniform. She was totally surprised, and excited would be an understatement!
So to the mom in the doorway, with sticky hands and wet cheeks: I get it, we all do. We are here for you. And one last thing: he doesn’t love the Fire Department more than you, we promise.
Firefighter Wife
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This is so well written. For us it’s not the lost hour but the recalled shifts and mandos. The days that we loose because my firefighter helped someone else out are the hardest. I constantly remind myself that even though I loose precious time with him and so does our new daughter, this is what he loves and I can’t keep him from that.
This was well written and alot of thought put into. Thank you. From every firefighter out there. I love that my replacement comes in ready to work 10 or more minutes early. (Gear laid by the engine, dressed, clean shaven and boots polished)
Omg, thank you for writing this. I am the mother in the doorway!!!! Thank you for telling me I am not alone!!!!
Although I have been a firefighter’s wife for over 20 years, I must admit that when his alarm goes off at 4:40 am, and he doesn’t have to be at work until 6:00 am, I still get aggravated to have my sleep interrupted way too early. But yes, I get it. And I so appreciate that the firefighters relieving him on time so that he can come home on time!
Thank you
I was wondering if this was just my FF or if it was normal! He is in his 5th week on the job and gets up at 4:40am, and leaves at 5:40am to get to his station by 6am for his 7am shift. He did explain it to me and it fits his personality to be there early and super prepared. Glad to know I am not the only getting up at 5am to make coffee and see my FF off 🙂
Cassandra
Not only is it normal for most fire fighters, this is an unspoken expectation of rookies on the job. The “new guy” wants to show his new crew that he is dedicated to the job and committed to them. This, while hard, will go such a long way in building the trust and family bond your husband needs to be safe on the job. Congrats on his new job, its one of the best families to be a part of 🙂
Thank you for this. I have also struggled with this, though I have done better lately b/c my ff did explain this to me. The only thing I struggle with is that he doesn’t arrive home on time. I am just trying to bide my time with this one, as I know he doesn’t jump to leave b/c he is still “newish” and wants to do his part, make sure everything is settled and lend a hand if need be. Once again, it is such a relief to read the article and comments and know “it’s not just me”!!!!
Hi Merrissa,
My husband is starting his 20th year. He goes in early every shift but often doesn’t get out on time. It is sometimes difficult for me not to be resentful that not everyone has the same standards. But, it’s what he needs to do and his reputation as a dependable and accountable brother is worth a few hours a month to him and me too if that’s what he needs.
22nd yr for my guy and same thing. Off at 0645 but rolling in around 8 alot of days. Can be frustrating from my side. There’s a whole lot to this that has never been explained. Grateful to have this page.
My FF after 15 yrs finally explained this one to me last week. If his relief is coming from home he will be gone on time typically. However, if his relief is coming from another station who is waiting for that ff to get his relief it can quickly snowball into hours of waiting for him to come home.
Relief from station 2, goes to 6, 6 goes to 8, 8 goes to 10 and finally 10 goes to 12…as an example.
One thing not touched on is firefighters my not always keep home on time. This to is because they love you. If they work in a busy station and are up all night they need a nap so they can drive home safe. I live an hour or so from the station and need that couple of hours in the morning so I can function the rest of that day off. Had a few firefighters I know fall asleep on the way home after a tough shift not good for them or their loved ones.
My husband has always gone in early since we’ve been together. I know it is his courtesy to his fellow brothers (if that’s what they are still called) just incase that call comes in at 6:40 or 6:55. I have never thought of him as selfish or thinking he should be spending that extra time with me or his family. I think of it as his duty and his job.
The part that freaks me out is when someone doesn’t have the same courtesy and he is late coming home. That is when I start to worry.
It’s not easy being a firefighter wife or raising a family with a firefighter. What I do know, beyond all of the politics, is that they are very dedicated to what they are a part of; Family and firehouse. Some days are definitely better than others, home or on duty. It takes a STRONG woman to be married to a firefighter. ???
My firefighter is going on his 18th year. He has always gone in early. He stops to grocery shop on the way in and then likes to get his gear set and do “pass down” and hear how the other shift went, stuff he needs to know about the engine and station. I guess I’m lucky because he explained it to me early in our relationship. It’s the same as not calling in when you have to work holidays and offering to take the Christmas shift for guys with little kids.
Thank you for writing this! I’m not a FF, but a medic who does 24s and I showed this to my girlfriend to help her see why I go in early. Thank you!
This is on point!! Very well written.
I’m a 10 year FF/Paramedic married to another Firefighter. He works for the city we live in and I work for a neighboring city. We are also on opposite shifts. So our basic schedule runs 24 on and 48 off, but our home schedules are 24 together and 48 apart. He leaves to be at the station by no later than 6:15am for his shift at 7:00. And since the days I go in I usually have to take our son to daycare, I don’t get to work until around 6:45. Fortunately, my department understands our situation, being that it’s not a typical one. I am always grateful for my relief who comes in at 6:15 or who offers to take that call 11 minutes to 7 so I can get home to my family and enjoy our short 24 hours off together. There are a ton of reasons for us to be at the station before 7am and all carry a heavy burden if one is forgotten or done improperly. Not to mention, as a new guy, it only shows your dedication and willingness to give the department your all.
I would hate for any spouse to think that their firefighters reasons for wanting to be at work early were because of them.
One thing that my husband tries to teach the new guys on shift is, if you’re early- you’re on time, if you’re on time- you’re late, and if you’re late- you’re fired.
I’ve been a FF for over thirty years. The job, activities and sometimes my lack of understanding most likely cost me my marriage. As an older FF I’d like to hand down some of the wisdom related to family and fire fighting. Looking for things that could be condensed into a power point presentation and shared with rookies on day one training. This article was an eye opener. Thanks!
Thanks to all the wives and significant others for all your support. I am a retired firefighter with a wife who supported me through 37 years of service. I can only ask, would you want to be the wife of a firefighter who does not go in early to prepare for the shift? Would you want to be a family member of a firefighter who does not love the job and the people they work with and for? The job (firefighting) is in many ways an extension of the firefighters family. Everyone one is asked to give a lot but a lot is given in return. Thanks to all who serve and SUPPORT the fire service.
I just would like to say a simple “Thank You” to the woman that took the time to share this blog because I swear, I truly NEEDED to read this. You just helped me and my marriage tremendously. You truly must be a God send for not only myself, but also for so many others. Once more, Thank You, with all my soul.
I had to chuckle when reading this article. I am a firefighter/paramedic and have been on the job for 7 years now. I boast that I am a 2/3 Stay-At-Home-Mom while getting paid a full salary. My husband is a police officer, so we understand the sacrifices and commitment it requires to live in the world of public safety. I chuckled, because unlike the tears streaming down the face of my spouse, he doesn’t even wake up before I leave the house. And I don’t dare sneak in the kids’ rooms for a kiss goodbye and accidentally wake my toddler & preschooler before Daddy is ready to wake up for the day. (He’s most definitely NOT a morning person). My 24/48 shift begins at 0700. As a probie, I would be there by 0615 for all the reasons the author stated above. As a “seasoned” firefighter, I still would report to duty no later than 0630. And now, for the past several months, I am there by 0600 to get a workout in before shift. My husband doesn’t understand how I complain I have no time to exercise for 1 hour during a 24 hour shift, but these days we’re so busy we can’t get it in otherwise. The beauty of going in early before shift, regardless of the reasons, is that it’s the unwritten “do-what’s-right-for-your-brother” code. When my replacement comes early enough the next morning that I can walk out the firehouse doors on time and get home to the welcoming hugs and laughter of my two little ones at home, it is appreciated ten-fold. I can only do to others as I want it done to me. Yes, there are those that just don’t “get it” and stroll in at 0655, but those guys are very rare. We are a brotherhood and sisterhood, and we live our lives with two families.
It Goes For Kids, Too. Thank you for such a well- written piece. I was the daughter of a F/F and after he passed away, one of my brothers became a F/F wearing our Dad’s badge. Our City has a 48 hr week for Fire Dept. Work two days 8a – 6p. One day off. Two nights 6p – 8a. Three days off. As a result, there were MANY times that we would all be so happy that Daddy was going to be home for Christmas morning, or Christmas dinner. Ten same for Thanksgiving a d Easter. But if he had the day off and had to report at 6p, HE WOULD LEAVE AT US AT 3 P. We would have to eat a VERY early holiday dinner so my father could go to firehouse and let another guy go home and enjoy some of the day. But when tables were turned, Dad would only get be home early once in awhile. Some guys just really only think of themselves. But my Dad wasn’t one of them. We missed him, and we knew he was helping other kids by leaving early. Thanks, again.