If you’re still reading, you might be a bit confused. This is definitely taking some tried and true marriage principles and completely turning them around. No more unity candles? What?!!?
Now I am totally a believer in needing to be good and steady as an individual to be able to fully and healthily partake in a relationship. But 12 years into marriage, and in general consumed with taking care of the 4 children living with us in this house, it’s been quite some time since I’ve focused on the “me” part of our marriage.
Actually, I focus a lot on “me” in my business work. Step one of running a business is to know yourself really well. So you go into a business that you truly care about and keeps you motivated and interested for a long time. And so you can hire the people around you to fill in the gaps where you have weaknesses. So I do spend time there.
But the honest truth is that I haven’t spun that view on my marriage since the first couple of years. We’ve morphed into this comfortable, “safe” couple. Still massively in love. Our adventure and excitement comes a lot from the randomness of 4 very unique children we parent together. Yep. We’re in those heavy parenting years that end abruptly at the empty nest where you don’t want to be caught saying “Do I know you?”
I’m definitely feeling my skin crawl when I read something that sounds completely counter to some of the Love Dare principles, I’m having to be sure I read the whole thing, take it all into context and realize, he is saying the same thing…..but from quite a different perspective. And I do like it. But it can be tough to read something that on the surface seems so against the mainstream (Christian) teachings on religion.
So if you’re feeling a little squirmy with this, keep plowing through and give it a chance…..I like where it’s going.
(and you’ll just have to trust me on that one 🙂
Set aside all those cheesy movie one liners like “You complete me” or “I NEED you!” It’s way sexier to be WANTED.
Ponder these questions and post your answers below in the comments…
1. Thinking back over your marriage, what have you been convinced (until now!) is a need of yours that your spouse is supposed to meet?
2. What did you think of the “trust and safety” discussion? He is not saying don’t “trust” your spouse. But he is saying that can lull us into a really boring spot in our marriages….which isn’t a place of growth which means you are in danger of actually moving apart. Do you have any boring spots like this? (If you are newly weds, what do you fear about the boring spots?)
3. List some differences between you and your spouse and celebrate them as unique to each of you. Example: I’m a horrible cook but he is a gourmet chef.
4. Have you forgotten who you are? This can happen in our busy lives. What are some ways you can recharge “you”? examples: picking up a new hobby (or an old one you don’t have time for), reading more, spending some time with girlfriends.
Latest posts by Lori Mercer - WifeOnFire (see all)
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I have to say that I absolutely adore this book so far…it is so in line with my FF and I’s thinking about our relationship. One of the first things we said to each other is that we love each other because one does not NEED the other. We are both self sustained, career people that can financially and emotionally care for our children on our own…but, as we’ve grown in our love and our family has bonded we are very quickly seeing where we each “fill the gaps.”
1. I was convinced that my spouse was supposed to fulfill my need of being desired. I’ve quickly learned, that I can’t just expect that to happen. Yes, my husband thinks I’m beautiful in a potato sack with no makeup and my coke bottle glasses…but he doesn’t desire me like that…and I’m not sure I’d desire myself either. That is why it is so important that I continue to make myself feel sexy…and confident…in turn, he will desire me.
2. I thought the “trust and safety” aspect was 100% dead on. There is something exciting about making yourself vulnerable to your spouse and sharing new things with them. Whether they are adventures or life stories, or anything else. Live a little and share your deepest secrets.
3. I am organized and like to stick to a plan. My husband is a fly by the seat kind of guy…never making lists for grocery shopping and usually ending up buying the kids anything/everything they ask for. This past weekend, we went to Sam’s together and I made a list and forced him to stick to it…no DVD’s, no clothes, no extra snacks…and guess what…we saved $100 and he thanked me for keeping him on track.
4. In my first marriage, this was a HUGE problem. We were no longer separate people. With my FF, it is a bit easier because there is a forced separation…called DUTY. It’s in those times that I try to take care of me…getting mani/pedis and spending time on here or crafting my Pure Romance business. It’s so easy to become “that couple” but it’s not where we want to be.
Loving this book and our discussion group.
That’s great Heather! Love these ideas! I try to do the same on my husbands shift day. My husband and I are pretty much opposite too! He’s neat…I’m messy. I am trying to handle it the “screamfree” way and realize as long as I try my best it’s all I can do. I was trying to meet his need by being what I thought he wanted.
I love this book! I think there are some very good ideas in here and love how it offers a fresh perspective. My husband and I were the type of people who never thought they would get married. I was always really independent (hence my screen name!) and so I never wanted to “give” myself to someone because I feared I might grow to need that person. My husband’s parents are divorced and he never wanted to go through that so he didn’t want to get married. Oddly enough, as soon as we met (even though we were just 17 at the time) we both knew that we would end up married to each other. It’s crazy how one person can totally change your viewpoint like that.
1. The one need that I expected my husband to meet was romance. I like getting flowers and love notes and having him dote on me to make me feel special. And when we were dating and engaged he was very good at romance so I just expected it to continue into our marriage. Then life got in the way and the romance dialed way back. I learned to let go of that expectation and find romance in the little things instead, like how he kills all the bugs for me because I hate them. Or how he won’t let me walk on the street side of the sidewalk. Or when he pulls my chair out and opens doors for me. There’s still plenty of romance there! But it isn’t in the grand gestures I was expecting, and that’s ok! I just need to recognize the ways he shows he loves me even if it’s not what I initially expected.
2. We have only been married for almost four years so I don’t think we really have any boring spots yet. I feel like we have always been really good at communicating and being honest with each other, almost to a fault. I fear that if we continue being what we call “brutally honest” with each other about everything resentment will eventually build up and we won’t want to talk to each other anymore because we will feel like nothing we do is ever good enough. We are both guilty of being too harsh in our honesty and we definitely could use to work on being honest with more kindness.
3. There are so many differences! That’s why I thought it was weird when the author started talking about how you shouldn’t complete each other. I feel like my husband and I totally complete each other because whatever areas I struggle in, he is awesome, and vice versa. He is restless and spontaneous, I’m reserved and a control freak. He’s pretty much fearless, I live with fear of a lot of things. I love to read, he loves to watch documentaries, etc, etc. I think we complement each other very nicely, although the spontaneity issue was a hard one for us to work out, but I think we reached a very agreeable solution to where I still get to plan stuff but we also try to just go with the flow sometimes.
4. I think that I did forget who I was a few years ago. I was so focused on being the “perfect” wife for him that I could hardly handle it when he was on shift for 24 hours. A major breakthrough for me was when I started viewing his shift days as “me” time and focusing on things that I want to do instead of viewing it as dreaded time apart. I could definitely use some more shifting in this area. I need to be better about accepting our time apart (especially when he wants time away from me outside of work) and welcoming it instead of trying to avoid it as much as possible.
Wow! All this makes me sound pretty messed up…but I swear it’s really not that bad!
I think we can all agree that we married someone that “completes” our marriage. They make up for areas where we lack but we should not NEED them to complete us. This was a hard concept for me to grasp too. Probably because of the unity candle concept I now see what he means because for so long I looked to my husband to complete me. Almost to the point that it was hard to function without him. What I like to say now is that we compliment each other and I don’t new him for every decision I make. I still feel the unity candle is a biblical concept but also understand where the author is coming from. It’s a balance.
Thank you for clearing that up Michele. That makes a lot more sense to me now. We used the cord of three strands concept at our wedding ceremony. There are three different colored ropes on a brass ring representing God, the husband and the wife. As our unity ceremony my husband held the brass ring and I I braided the three ropes, signifying that “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” Ecclesiastes 4:12. I think that ties into the concept in the book because you can still clearly see that the ropes can stand on their own, but they are stronger when combined into one.
I love that idea! I’m going to tuck that away in case we renew our vows one day. It’s hard to understand where he’s going sometimes and honestly, sometimes I have to clarify and ask him myself! Ha I’m so thankful for you ladies! Love going through this book together. Are you coming to Flame Fest?
I won’t be at Flame Fest, too much family stuff going on this summer. I so wish I was going to be there though!
I love that too. My husband and I had a quick ceremony in a park, so we didn’t do any of those things.
@independentlva…I swear we are sisters. Your number 2 is one of my biggest fears too…we are both brutally honest and at times, it can be hurtful. And you are spot on with the romance…I celebrate the little cups of coffee or the way he twirls my hair. I’d take that anyday over flowers.
I could totally see us being sisters! Your response to #3 made me laugh because I often feel like the bad guy with my husband, making him stick to a budget and all. It’s no fun being the responsible one sometimes…but someone needs to do it! Only kidding. He keeps me grounded as well.
I know, my husband helps keep me centered When I’m struggling…especially with our blended family, he brings me back to my happy place.
I totally agree with Lori. I had to really pray and read through what he says and finally realized they do line up with my Christian beliefs. He has a way of really making you think. I can tell you it only gets better!
http://www.screamfree.com/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=6131&news_iv_ctrl=1441
Article by Hal.
Ok so I will say that this book is definitely taking ideas that have been preached for so long and flipping them on end!! I cant say that I disagree by any means because there are some very good points to things that he is saying. But I am very interested to get further in to it.
I will say that my Lt. and I decided to go to a marriage class last Saturday and it was after he worked one of the longest 24hr shifts he had worked, and I really thought that he would call me and say he wanted to just come home and sleep and was going to cancel (this is what he would normally do) but he surprised me and said he was going. We went and he 1/2 participated but was actually listening evidently as he started “using” the information about 1/2 way through the week on me. This was hard on me as he had just had a blow up and then decided to “calm down and talk, while recording from this point on so we could listen to how we talk to each other” of course i was HOT about the way he had just blown up. Needless to say this “calm communication” did not settle well with me over the first 2 days even though I am reading this book and even though hes trying to work on it…. I’m guessing just the built up emotions were coming out and i was very defensive on everything he was saying… I felt like everything he was saying he was actually “judging me on”. I’ve continued to read the book and I even downloaded a hypnosis for anger management. I’m not sure that it does any good but I figured it could not hurt any.
Usually I’m the one to let go of everything and try a “new” approach I thought Id be excited that he was willing to do this not upset and not able to let go… Its been very hard.
1) The one need I looked to my husband to provide was financial stability, of course with myself as well. I am a penny pincher in ways and I have a need to pay bills first. This stems from having a father that would be alcohol and tobacco first then pay bills last, we went many days or up to a week with out water or electric until either my brother or I would call my grandma and let her know and she would send money to pay the bill. So this is one thing that we have the most arguments about. He believes that you should live for today and pay bills when you have the funds or just after to buy what you want. We have just recently combined checking accounts and giving it a “trial” run because he feels like he is out of the loop and doesnt feel like we are a married couple. It scares me because he spends quite a bit of money without thinking of the consequences.
2) I guess I don’t completely understand where the Safety and Trust is coming from. I do understand the boredom issue, because we have only been married now 1yr and 7 months and my Lt says we are stuck in a rut and only do the same things…. Sexually he says its only at bedtime in bed. Of course I was never one to do in public or in the car out in a park somewhere (yes I know always too afraid to get caught or in trouble with law etc) …. or in a bathroom (that’s just the germ issue!). So not too sure how to spice it up there. I’ve tried the lingerie but he doesn’t seem interested when I do do that.
3) We are too very different people… in activities IE I love to do outdoor stuff i can be outdoors during the day and do activities during the day but as far as sleeping/night I want to be indoors with AC. So he loves to Camp and can do it with a tent and old school…. I’m more of an RV kinda girl! Or atleast I will Redneck it and make a home in a tent with an AC 🙂 I can be very creative!!! 🙂 he appreciates it most of the time unless he wants to be spontaneous! Then its more of a pain in the butt LOL. Maybe I will learn more about this in chapters 3+ when he starts giving examples. I also love arts and crafts, baking cakes (to sell and for family celebrations) so this is a large thing that I do that takes over the house at times!! He loved riding motorcycles but after breaking his back in a riding accident in 2011 we now settled on 4×4’ing in a Jeep which is a little safer and family friendly, now our daughter and I can also join him at times!
4) I feel there definitely are times I have forgotten who I am by myself. Currently I am thought of as wife, caretaker, mom, and research coordinator (my job). I dont think there are many people that see me as Deanna anymore. Everyone tells me I take on too much….. but most of the time like you all its just what is expected. I technically am not a mom yet, my daughter (yes I call her that because in all ways she is mine I have been raising her since she was 6 months old) will be 5 on Aug 20th. We have her 7 out of every 14 days (On 2 off 2 on 3, then off 2, on 2 off 3) and it continues to rotate. Very crazy schedule … So there are times I’m the only one at home with her shes been in Pre-K last yr now to go to Kinder this year always homework, class activities, parties, etc. I am one that tries to attend all of them and be involved. I came from a family that my dad did not attend things and I know what that feels like. So I make an effort to go above and beyond.
My best friend and I have decided to take a basic crochet class starting week after next!! My grandma use to crochet all of us a blanket and I still have mine to this day!! I think it would be great to be able to do the same for my nieces and nephews!! And then eventually my grandchildren!!!
Also hoping to get my baking cakes and candies going more now that as of Sep 1st there are more opportunities to legally sell more home baked items with new laws that passed in Texas!! So that is exciting!!
Can not wait to keeping chapter 3 and past… I’m ready to get into his examples and things!! I’m a visual person!!
Thank you for listening ladies!! I was talking to my hubby yesterday about the group he sounded really interested in it and happy to hear that there is a place to come and talk to people who understand the things that go on!!! I wish that things were a little better around here I’d love to go to the conference!!
@dd59470 You have to realize that your hubby is putting in 10 times more effort than most men would even attempt. It sounds like he truly wants to be there and make sure you are getting what you want from the marriage. Finances are one of the number one causes of divorce and marital strife, so the two of you have to sit down and get on the same page with that. My hubby and I are working through some of the same issues related to finances…he buys his kids a toy every single day he has them. Some days they are cheap dollar store toys, other days they are $20 lego sets…we just don’t have that kind of money…plus, it makes his children think that he expresses his love with physical things…not a good way to be raised.
Stay strong Deanna and find your happy place where you can be you and still fulfill your wifely/motherly duties.
Deanna-how are things going? I realize now that we are on the second go round of the book that somehow I missed a bunch of comments!
1. I think the need to be loved/beautiful in someone’s eyes. For a long time, he used to always wake me up by saying “Hello, beautiful.” I took that for granted and do miss it now. For some crazy reason he has taken to telling me that I’m “hot” which is NOT the same, and he only does that during *$#! Make a girl crazy…. 🙂
2. I can understand this one….I think I’ve vented before about the fact that FF’s ex-girlfriend is a paramedic at the same station. They sometimes have to work together and there is only one sleeping room. Drives me nuts, even though I completely trust him. But it also ensures that I’m gonna be extra good to him around those times when I know he’ll be working with her.. 😉 Kind of a silly example, but I can see how it works.
3. He is always early, needs a plan, needs directions. I like to have a plan, but can go with the flow easily when the plan changes. Being early for ANYTHING is not my strong point. I figure as long as I can find the interstate I’m good. He consistently asks what the next turn will be about 30 seconds before the GPS can tell him. I am more nurturing and consistent in discipline with kiddos. He plays with them more and has more fun. I make the budget, and would prefer any extra money go in the savings for a rainy day. He would rather we spend it on something fun. I rarely buy the kids a toy. Seems that every day he is off, they end up doing something fun and end up with more “stuff” to bring home and find a place for. When we started out, he was more clean and organized. I seem to have taken over that role. Definitely ying and yang going on over here! lol!
4. I have a TON of hobbies, and I own my own business. I feel like we are very good about being individuals. He has his interests, I have mine, and he is great about allowing me the time and space to pursue them. I try to get him to go out with friends more often. I feel like I have a lot of really close female relationships, and he doesn’t spend much time with guy friends.
The toy comment totally makes me laugh @coridiane….my FF is the same way. Every time I come home, his kids (mine go to summer camp during the day) have some new toy. Drives me nuts!!!
I would love to have some close girlfriends IRL…you ladies are great, but I’d love to have a glass of wine with a girlfriend when he’s on shift.
Ok so I totally spaced commenting on Chapter 2 so I’m catching up!!
1. I think the whole romance thing is something that I’ve always thought it’s his responsibility to do for me. We actually just got into a fight before he left for his two week hunt. He’d been keeping to himself all day (he’d just gotten off of shift) and he slept most of the morning, and I just assumed he was tired. He said he wasn’t feeling well so I left him alone and spent the day with our daughter. So we go to bed and all of a sudden he’s better and wants to be intimate. I wasn’t in the mood because I hadn’t felt connected to him all day, and he got mad at me because I didn’t put any effort in and cater to him all day. Obviously I’m still a little PO’ed about it because I felt like I was catering to him by allowing him to sleep and keeping the kiddo busy so it was quiet!
2. To be completely honest, we are very routine in our marriage. And this came up the other night too – I told him that whenever we do anything other than sit around the house, it’s because I’m making the plans, saving the money, and getting everything put together to do DO something. He complains that I never initiate conversations with him – there’s not much to talk about – he’s told me many times that he doesn’t have interest in what I do at work, and other than that… So in the past year, I’m trying to make more of an effort to do things for me so that I’m better fulfilled in that area – if he’s not motivated to make life more interesting, then one of us at least needs to do that, right? I just think it’s sad because he’s perfectly content to sit at home and watch TV.
3. I’m a worrier and a Type A planner; he takes everything day by day & doesn’t make plans too far into the future. I’m a people pleaser and do what I can to preserve the peace; he’s very blunt & says what’s on his mind. I’m very much into telling people how I appreciate them and definitely show my emotion; you’re lucky if you get him to tell you what happened at work that day.
4. I would say in a sense I have forgotten who I am. Prior to being married, I had a LOT of close friendships and spent a lot of time socializing with them. After we got married, it became all about him and the fire department. I’m making the effort now to rekindle some of those old friendships and make new ones, and I’m making it a priority to keep up on my hobbies such as my photography and running. That’s also another reason I’m going back to grad school this fall – I need to do stuff for me. 🙂
Sarah-we have started round 2 of SF Marriage and I noticed where I missed several comments! So I spaced too! How are things going? Glad you are working on yourself! (There might be an update since this is only chapter 2-ha)
Sorry I am so late. I have been reading and working through this in my real life. ANd the working through it part has pretty much taken over my life for the past month. I know perfect timing with Flamefest and Scream Fire and the Love Dare I was trying to plow through. I guess God had a different plan.
!. Well, this was a tough one. I cheated a little because I didn’t want to miss the convos here and read a few of the questions. Before I read the chapter I read Lori’s question. I thought to myself, well duh, he is supposed to make me happy! Then I thougjt… I am not going to like this book.. Bwhahhaah. BUT I do. ANd this is probably has a ton to do with the stress in our lives. Hw can we be responsible for making each other happy?! I relate to this so much, being a mom to 3 young boys, and young myself, having lots of dreams and goals, to decide to be a sahm. I am alone a lot, well, except I am not alone. I have three kids stuck to my side at all times. ;). I pour myself into them. I pour myself into my huby. until there is nothing left for me. Like most moms I have thought about, what about me? Who am I in all this? Just a mom? What about y likes. my talents. yada yada. But I have always felt silly, like a bad drama movie, thinking like this. Lyn, I ‘d say, this is just the way it is. Your a mom. It is normal. When your huby gets home maybe he can give you a back ru and make you fel better for a second. LOL. I always lean on him to make me feel better.ANd the leaning is fine. BUT him being responsible for my happiness, is ridiculous. Just like I can’t be responsibe for him or his crabby attitude, or childish tempers about the house or whatever.
2. Safety and trust. I totally get this. Again, My life is like a bad 90’s movie. I keep thinking of the movie Hook. or any other movie that warns parents to leave time for their kids, and ultimately enough time to know your spouse, and yourself. I can see us, because of life/jobs/family stress changing into exactly who we didn’t want to be. The grown ups who work too much, their kids don’t like them because they choose work over them, and then when the kids grow up, we would be left with 2 people who don’t like or know each other any more., I think there is trust and safety in the familiar. in te routines. that we can get stuck in them , so stuck, that we can’t get out. That we have been in a pattern so long, it doesn’t seem like there can be any other way. When I read this chapter, and really this whole book, I have been thinking about how my husband should be reading this part, or oh this would be good for my Mother in law to read. lol. I have been trying to deal and live next door to a very tough situation for 6 years and trying to get along with them for 6 more. I have spent the last 12 years trying to be a good mom, the daughter in law they wanted, the wife the Bible told me to be sexually and house hold wise, the mom I wanted to be. Only to have the opposite be happening. My husband was so stressed out, prob trying to be so responsible for everything, ya know, being the man of the house, he was so overwhelmed, which I already knew and been trying to help by putting pressure on myself to be the perfect wife. You can see how exhausting this is.SO anyway, After many many years, I had finally given in to his childish ways, and started acting just like him. Which I know made him take a look at himself, but tsill didn’t work as to changing that attitude. It only made him feel like a worse Dad/hubby. Grated I have a 1 yar old, which is partly why I mam so tired and gave in to my emotions. The point was, that there is a pattern here, and I had gotten comfortable with that I guess. It was easir to act like a child, than to deal with the problems. No one else was. Why should I keep trying? It was killing me. Here I was changing and reading n forgiving, over and over and over, trying for all this time, but his family , and he, would just keep doing the same things to bring up all the past al over again.
3.Our differences: This is funny to me because when we first met, I thought we were exactly alike. We had so much in common, it was awesome. Then after we got married, I kept finding myself saying, “Why are you just like my Dad? I on purpose married someone not like my Dad.” Funny is that he isn’t even, like my dad either. At all. He was just doing what guys do. Well, Micah is a super determined, driven guy. He comes from a super strict Catholic military family. Everything has it’s spot, and time and place. I was also raised Catholic, but we were way, way more go with the flow. My mom taught optimism, and the foundation of my “what is more important” view. I like having a clean house, but I would rather spend the time with my kids. The dirt will be there in an hour after we play hide and go seek. If you have ever read Personality Plus, I am a total Sanguine. He is a total Choleric Melancholy. It is pretty much opposite personalities. BUT what makes us work, is we secretly want ad need to be more like the other person. He can be more silly and carefree around me, and I can suck some of the structure right out of his perfectly placed hair. When we met, we were both pretty much drama freaks, into acting and being care free, but then when we hit the real world, the real Micah came out. AND sent me for a loop!!!!! It was hilarious. Well, for me. LOL. but only looking back on it.
He has an awesome sense of humor. I used to be shy, but he has taught me to love crossing the line if you know what I mean. I like to be silly, and have fun, but I am shy. I was always the girl getting picked o in school . I actually never had any real friends still I was 17, about the same time Micah came into my life. He was so confident. Yet silent. It made me nuts!! 🙂 The mysterious confident one. It was like he knew he could have any friend he wanted, but didn’t want any because he was so deep and in pain from being a teenager in angst! BWhahahah flash to a scene in Twilight. Growing up, I was also very shelterd from physical activity because of my severe allergies and eczema. My family camped and fished, but never did sports or anything because of how poor we were. Micah has gotten me to overcome so many of my fears. Without him I would never have found a love for rollercoasters, skiing in the snow, falling, going fast, really being in the woods and getting into being a part of it, I know it sounds dorky, he is a hunter, even things like gardening. Who knows. When we met, we had both even turned our backs on God, we found our way back to him together too. He is pretty aggressie in the sack too, which I was always really shy abut too. Now I can say I am supe rwild and really proud of it! <3
4. I thin you can get the idea that I had lost myself. I ha tried to find myself in different business adventures, thinking that is what that meat. Filling my creative side, the arty part of me I thought that I was ignoring. That I had these talents, I should be using them, and If I could make money doing it I should. So I started making cakes, and then blogging, which helped, and then doing photography, But what I ddn't realize is that though I was being true to myself, it wasn't what I really wanted to do. It is fun, and makes me feel happy for a bit. I do love creating all kinds of things. But What I was missing was my spouse. Who he was. ANd I wasn't going to get that back until I got myself back. That wasn't going to happen until the thing with the in laws changed, because it was seriously ruining my life I couldn't get myself back if I couldn't go outside without feeling like I was being judged for what I was or was not doing. I was so jacked up in my head that I couldn't even stay inside, because I knew they were judging me, thinking, Oh why isn't she spending more time outside with the kids. It is a beautiful day. What a waste. Bla bla. I certainly was not going to find myself, driving 1/2 hour away on gas money we could not afford further putting stress on us, to find a place far enough away for me to breathe and enjoy my kids. Then only for it to take an hour it took before it was too hot and we have to pack it all up anyway. Sounds real fun, huh? My poor kids! 🙁 . So I decided, the only thing I could do, like it or not would be to tell my in laws exactly what I thought, what I have been thinking, this whole time, even if I have to spell it all out for her, even if I had to go back to the very beginnig, with the very first day we met. She was going to understand where I was coming from. Or at least I was going to feel better getting it off my chest. I decided to do it, whether or not my husband liked it, or if I had his support, or even his permission.. It was what this family needed. What I needed. I have known it since we moved in here that we should have set boundaries, that we should have done some preventative maintanence. But no. It was all too hard. It is so funny because I came to this revaltion right before reading this chapter. It was like I wrote my comment on Chapter 1, you guys said you'd pray for me, cause what else can you say to that mess? lol, and the ball started rolling. It was as if I had the revelation, then thebook would say you are going to have this revalation and here is what to do with it. Here is the under lying truth here. THIS is what is going on. SO I removed my self from the pattern. Even if it was more painful than anything I have evre done to this day. I was going to traet every one like an adult. Even myself. <3
It was hysterical when, like I said I was already reading the book , not for myself to learn from, t is as if I already knew what I needed to do, sort of. Then when I read the part that literally said, I am going to teach you even how to apply this to much difficult situations as IN LAWS! I about died laughing. I was like Oh Good one God. GOOD one! He was like Oh you wait, because even though I was ready, I asn’t ready yet. He madeit happen right them and there. I will share on the next chapter what happened there!
I think the new group should have got a new page, I know that it’s probably valid to read everyone else’s comments but I feel like I’m a satellite, like the comments occurred in the past and I’m talking to myself. Ok anyway, Chapter 2. Well how enlightening. Since when my husband met me I was a divorced mother of 3 COMPLETELY independent, like raising 3 kids on my own, working full time, nights as an RN, running kids all over to dance, hockey, baseball, whatever, paying my own bills, making my own mechanic appointments, and now I’ve morphed into…….well the missing piece. And it’s MY fault! I did have the crappiest first marriage ever, and I swore I was never going to get married again. The biggest commitment I was going to make once my kids graduated from high school was MAYBE a dog. LOL But I realize the woman my hubby fell in love with, begged to marry him, is not the woman he is married too. Interesting.
I’m glad you’re participating Karen. Love your reply to number 3. My husband and I are like a symphony too and both gladly and willingly take turns doing everything and anything.
Wow, this book really gets you thinking in a different kind of way. My previous marriage, I guess you can say, messed me up. I had to deal with a lot of negative treatment, infidelity, lies… After finally getting angry, I was enough is enough and developed the attitude that I will take care of myself and I don’t need anyone to do that for me. My ff and I met at work and he saw everything that I had gone through with my ex. He actually was trying to help me save my marriage. After months of trying and months of verbal abuse I left, went to my mom and dads. My thought process changed, I no longer needed to feel loved or needed to be taken care of and it wasn’t my responsibility to always make someone happy. Fast forward a year… My ff and I started spending time together, sharing with each other the things in relationships we liked and didn’t like. Over the next year we grew closer and on the 19th of this month we got married.
1. I’ve always thought or felt as long as I feel loved that’s all I needed. I don’t know if it’s because of growing up with an Asian mother, I’ve always made a point to do whatever I needed to do to make sure he is always taken care of, whatever his need. I am newly remarried and I can honestly say that I don’t feel that way anymore, now it’s I know he loves me, he knows I love him and it’s what can we do to help each other grow.
2. The big “trust and safety”, I believe Runkel hit it right on. Been there done that. I know it is so easy to carry your “luggage” to your next relationship and honestly if you can’t let it go you will be carrying more “luggage”. Having the open line of communication has helped more than anyone can imagine.
3. This is a hard one, we are so much alike it is scary. LOL. I hate washing clothes, he keeps the laundry done. He hates to do dishes (we have a dish washer), I keep the dishes washed. We work together on pretty much everything. This maybe because we are newly weds, I don’t know.
4. Sometimes I feel like I have forgotten who I am, but not because of our marriage but because we stay so busy with work and with Noah. We have to make time with each other almost schedule it because of the way we work. With me working 2nd shift when I get home at 2330, I take some time for myself, soak in a hot tub with lavender candles and the occasional glass of wine. It’s what I call mommy time. It’s really the only time I have to myself. I actually feel bad now because I don’t really see where mommy and daddy have our time.
1. I (wrongly) feel like my husband is responsible for basically stroking my ego. Telling me I’m pretty, I’m a good housekeeper, etc. But I see that all of that has to come from inside of me.
2. Safety and trust. I do need my husband to make me feel safe. Maybe that isn’t exactly the way to say it but I was raised by wolves, I was the primary care giver for my 6 younger brothers and sisters. I had a shitty first marriage the ended in the cops intervening before I ended up dead. So safety is huge. But I guess it’s physical safety. Trust, got a hard time with that one too due to baggage. And I do hear my husband say when I’m being a jerk “don’t you trust me?” Maybe I don’t trust me. ?
3. We actually are like a symphony, that’s how I see it. He makes the coffee, I make the meals, I do the laundry, he dresses the bed, he pays the bills, I spend the money KIDDING, we each have a part to play. But I do feel responsible for his happiness. He got nothing positive growing up and he works in the family business for the people who never made him feel safe and actually made him feel worthless. And although he basically runs the family business by himself he gets no credit. That is why I love he is on the Fire Dept. He gets so much personal satisfaction from that. He climbed up the ranks and is the Assistant Chief, he wasn’t handed any of those promotions, he earned them, applied for them, interviewed for them. And he is super respected on the dept. So all the damage done daily but his family is maybe softened a little with his successes on the dept. I want to be his soft place to fall. Because he’s a wonderful man and he deserves that.
5. I haven’t forgotten myself, I’ve become too lazy to be myself. I am already enlightened.
I am running behind this week……wow. Chapter 2 really shook things up. Lots of myths shattered there. It did really make me rethink my expectations and even definition of marriage. It also made me see some “boringness” in our marriage. My husband started going back to school a few years ago and I saw such a huge difference in him – it was like the fire was lit and he thrived on the new knowledge and change in routine. He is on hold right now from school but will begin again in March and I look forward to him being “more alive” again. Now…. after reading this book… I see that I need that spark too. We have a good life, do not get me wrong – but I can see where the boredom can/could set in and where we need to take some risks to liven things up and keep things fresh. To answer the discussion questions – I fell into the mythical belief of him providing safety and security. I understand the book’s discussion of this how it leads to problems. I don’t see myself as dependent on him. I am almost 10 years older than my husband. I have had a number of careers, owned a house, traveled – all before I met him. I see the trap though where now that I am married, we have a home, and a life together – we need to keep the spark and excitment and the other guessing (just a little) – to keep things fresh and not so unpredictable. Differences – yikes. We are both FF, both paramedics, both from the same state (though we now live in MT) – so there are some common threads where we both like and do the same things. I am encouraged though because we differ pretty dramatically politically, in our upbringing, and with life experiences.; no so much that it is a detriment but it gives us lots to discuss and disagree on! Let’s just say election time is a very heated time in our home!!! We agree where I beleive it matters – faith, raising our son, education, core values, etc. Differences do keep us lively as in politics and skills. I am the cook – him, not so much. I am the hoarder – him, the clean it out person. I am the pet lover – he keeps me in check, else I would have a full fledged rescue farm……I had been seeing the need for self-happiness even before starting this book. We come back refreshed it seems when we have time to ourselves and not just at work or away from the home. He is a new man after time alone to go fishing. If I can have some time to be outside, hike or even read – uninterrupted – I am recharged. I do see where I can do more for myself and bring even more back by doing things on my own and to my own interests.
I was thinking today about how in the back of my mind I know that there is always the distinct possibility my handsome husband, the love of my life, may not come home after that pager goes off. I am 100% focused on NOT having regrets if that, God forbid, happens. We try to spend as much time together as possible, we love to ride our Harley, we love to travel to Mexico too. We cherish our time together. I feel so bad for the fire wives that are “pissing and moaning” and fighting with their husbands. What if those horrible words are the last ones he hears from you? You will never get over the guilt. I am not perfect by NO means. And I am learning so much from this book. I just hope more wives get involved in this book and even just by being in the sisterhood learn to relax, be strong, love the life you have, change the things you can, be a soft place to fall for your firefighter. And in turn, I hope the men step up to the plate and realize what wonderful woman are keeping the home fires burning, and appreciating that soft, safe place to fall.
This is such a wonderful group and I’m so blessed to have found them.
Karen that is exactly why we are here! Thank you for being here!
Beautiful thoughts Karen. It really makes me think about how we say good night, good by before a shift, etc. – never go to bed angry…..always kiss me goodnight (when he can) – old but very true statements.
I am so behind on posting, but I am keeping up with the reading. As for chapter two, I keep going back to it. I always have thought Lt should validate me. To me this means he cares, is proud of me, etc This is also my area of growth or concern in our relationship. I feel without that validation, all I am hearing is criticizing or what I am doing wrong. I have trouble of being told what to do. This is where I need to get the tools to handle it better. As for celebrating our uniqueness: Lt is easy going, spontaneous, very funny. I have to plan everything including back up plans. I am also very funny but Lt makes me laugh at the wrong times (like when he upsets me to defuse the situation I guess). As for not losing me, Lt and I do believe in doing things with our friends, individually. I have been working more on doing things that please me such as facials, going to Canton, crafts, reading. Of course I do them when he is on shift because I want to spend time with him.
Laura-I totally get where you are coming from! Every woman want to hear those things (and should)! I have trouble being told what to do (and my husband usually always tells me in a good way-not the “you should submit to me” way) because all my life I was the leader in my home. My MOm looked to me for answers. I have had to let that go and let him lead and not be so “needy” myself with wanting constant validation. By being secure women, it draws our men closer to us! So glad you are reading!